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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
GOOD STUFF;
Wow, that was very deep and emotional, a very good piece. I also liked the simplicity of your title; it conveys your message perfectly.
BAD STUFF:
I noticed a few spelling mistakes:
1.throgh should be through
2.shaders should be shatters
3.shes should be she's
Overall it was a very good piece.
keep it up!
w&w
thank you
i didn't catch those errors until you said something.
By golly, this is depressing. I surely hope this is not how you feel or are acting.....
well, that's how i felt that day. i'm a little better now i'm out of school haha
You have chosen an intense and deeply personal, deeply emotional and thought provoking topic to write about. I admire that. With a subject like this-suicide-there is so much potential for expression, powerful imagery, and feeling. Although this poem moved me, it needs improvement. First of all, there are technical errors (*fading, shatters, through...) Second of all, the words and phrases are often vague, and not specific, not intriguing or powerful enough to leave an impact. If you fix this, you can make your poem stand out more. It will have more of an effect on the reader and they will be able to relate to it more. Revise this and try to involve the senses so we can feel and understand the message and theme you are portraying. So we can sense the pain and agony and helplessness this girl is feeling. Currently, you seem removed from the subject. Practice on capturing the mood and emotions of what you are writing about. If you are willing to improve on this, if you are dedicated, you will be able to write a masterpiece. There is a lot of potential here. Embrace it. Come back to this poem with a drive to make it better.
I really like this one, and I can relate to it too. This is a topic that not many people write about and that's what makes you a good writer. Writing about what people don't really even think about too much. There are a couple of spelling errors, and there was one part where I felt the lines repeated themselves. "She lost her voice to you, She can't take back her voice." The word "voice" is repeated and it kind of throws the flow off a bit. I would try something like "She lost her voice to you, And she can never gain it back" it sounds a bit more poetic, but that's just my opinion. Overall, it is a really great piece and I loved it
Hey! Pix here to review!
This is amazing, actually. Very, very good.
I think this is emotional and very touching. The girl commited suicide, most people don't write about that. I like how you used lots of emtotion and at the end you put- "She's gone"
Very nice. Keep writing!
~Katie