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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hello.
I understand this is a very personal poem, and I know where you're coming from with this. I was bullied a lot in school and it hurt a fair bit.
However, I am going to treat this as a poem that you are posting for improvement, with the assumption you are detached enough from this to take criticism.
First things first, it'd be nice if we could feel the emotions ourselves instead of being told what the emotions were. It'd be much more painful if we were actually taken through a school day in this poem, so we could see for ourselves what goes on and make our own opinions. This tends to be a much more powerful form of poetry than anything else, because then the reader gets to experience what the author is going through.
Next, I find that you remove a bit too much context from this piece for us to truly understand it all. Is the narrator mute? Have a very rough voice? If we knew what the teasing issue was, then it'd be a lot easier to slip into the narrator's shoes to understand what's going on.
You also use a lot of really standard imagery in here: school as a jail, hell, stuck till grad, ect. While these are true, they're also easy to reach for. Dig a bit deeper to find something interesting.
In this poem, you have a lot of punctuation and each line ends with a piece of it. This makes every line disconnected from the other, instead of having a flow between lines that could help carry the reader along for a more enjoyable ride when reading. You line lengths are a bit all over the place, mostly because of how you're isolating one idea per line (which you don't have to do).
Overall, I think this has promise, but your telling and lack of flow is hurting.
Hope this helps, and PM me if you have any questions.
~Rosey
Hello there, IwillNOTbow2741! ^^
I am here to review this poem of yours for you! I am glad I came across it when looking for a poem to review. =) I will try to write a good review for this and hopefully it will be helpful! I will do my best!
I want to start off with saying that I enjoyed reading this piece. The way it starts pulled me in and made me read till the end. Your message and story came across perfectly. I think a lot of people are able to relate to this. It must be really awful to not feel comfortable somewhere you have to be most of the time. I hope you're not going through this at the moment. If you ever need someone to rant to, you can come crash my inbox. =)
Alright, now let's get to the nitpicks!
"Rembers" should be "remembers" and you should capitalize the "i".
I think it should be "tortured".
The bold part should be "in".
I think it would sound better if you changed "unwanted" into something else, because you already used it in a sentence before this one.
*torture.
There shouldn't be a space between "every" and "one". =)
*hopeless.
*remembers.
You should go back to look at your grammatical errors but they are easy to fix! =D
Thank you for sharing this with us. It's a good piece and I am honored to have read it!
Keep writing, you have talent.
-qaralynn-
Aw sad :/ I'm sorry you feel like this but mmmm...
It should be tortured
Also, fit in
It's as nice as a sad poem can be if that makes sense.