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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hello! I am Emoti. I try to review systematically so I'll start with an Overall, then move to things within the poem, then to things like flow and organization.
Overall: I like the concept but it seems to have no direction. You move in no designated pattern, which would enhance the concept of your poem so much more. It jumps around quite a bit, more like a letter than a poem.
1. "For not being able to save you like you did me?"
There should be a comma after "you"
2. "Can I live knowing I left you behind?
My friend, the one who saved me,
I left you behind"
You repeat the line "I left you behind" within 3 lines. Sometimes repitition works but in certain circumstances. In this situation it seems as though a change in wording would have been better
3. "I couldn't bare to watch you go down,"
This is a dependant clause and should end in a period. Adding the "Believe me" makes it seem like a run-on.
Flow: It doesn't seem to have much flow. The sentences seem to work out, length-wise, but thats about it.
Organization: I can see things that seem like they should go together. It would be nicely made into stanzas. Things like where it says "I hope..." could be its own section.
It's a good poem and if you make any changes let me know.
Happy review day, keep writing:
Emoti
Thank you.
Well the way I wrote it was like a letter. And after I write something I hardly like to change it so I don't see me changing it any time soon.