Cortez Shivick (Chapter 1)

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Hi Forever,

Mailice here with a short review!

It was a very interesting and exciting start to a story. I liked the perspective you chose and I especially liked that you gave an introduction before going into the actual plot. It's definitely a very good point you've created and I like how Cortez's "life story" connects to the actual plot and moves the plot forward.

So we get to know two important characters, Cortez, who despite the wealth is not directly dazzled but rather uncomfortable with all the money and Shayene, who probably wants more money than she can spend. Since the wedding is coming up, I strongly assume that Shayene is just as wealthy through her family as Cortez. You've already done a good job of making the characters appear, and that the reader can get a view of them.

I didn't directly find a hectic pace in the story here, as you usually see, but a structure that was also well reflected. I liked that this first chapter gave you the opportunity to familiarise yourself with the characters, but also to move the plot forward. Compared to the previous novel, I find it much more fleshed out and better structured. I also didn't immediately find many spelling mistakes or the like, which I also find very good.

It is only towards the end that the plot starts to move a little faster, but as I assume the whole of the first chapter is still part, "introducing Cortez" with some glimpses into his life where highlights are highlighted, I don't think that is so bad.

Other points that caught my eye:

Shayene Shivick.

When these two future couples were goggling each other wide-eyed,

Hi Dossereana here to do a review on your work, I don't have very much to say so will make this a quick one. First off sorry it took so long to read this, I was going to get to it after you review my prologue but I guess it slipped my mind, so sorry.

Cortez Shivick was just a mere student of ATU, the famous university when he married a rich lady of 25. This lady had a beautiful name- Shayene Shivick. She was the daughter of the owner of the major contributor in Cortez Shivick's father's business.

Cortez's father had a spice business. It was the largest spice company in the whole country. The main reason behind it was that the quality of the products were the best in the country. Although reluctantly, Cortez had to use a $50 worth toothbrush, $300 worth towel and many more costly things. On the other hand, Shayene felt irritated when she was given a $1000 worth dress instead of a $1500 worth one.

When they first met each other in a grand party arranged by Cortez's father, Cortez couldn't stop staring at Shayene who was wearing a gown stitched with gold strings. In her neck, there was diamond necklace and her hair was dressed with some hair pins made of silver. She blushed when Cortez looked at her. Cortez had a handsome look wearing a gorgeously stitched white shirt with a black coat over it which made it quite difficult for Shayene to take her eyes off him.

When these two future couples were goggling each other wide-eyed, Cortez's father beckoned Shayene's father to look at them. All the four people were amazed. Cortez and Shayene were amazed for each other and their fathers were amazed for them. This continued for a fee moments until Cortez was called by one of his friend.

Cortez's father asked Shayene's father, “What are you thinking?”

Shayene's father answered, “The same as what you are thinking.”

“Really? So can we–”

“Yes. Yes. Of course, we can. I just have to take her consent.”

“Okay. Then, we will–”

“Yes. Now, let's concentrate on the party.”

I would run this through grammarly, but it’s good.

Hey! MapleWay here with a quick review!

This was a great beginning! It did a good job setting the stage for the novel.


Negatives-

All the four people were amazed. Cortez and Shayene were amazed for each other and their fathers were amazed for them.

Although reluctantly, Cortez had to use a $50 worth toothbrush, $300 worth towel and many more costly things. On the other hand, Shayene felt irritated when she was given a $1000 worth dress instead of a $1500 worth one.

Heyy there, stygianmoon17 here for a review

I really enjoyed reading this chapter and I'll stay tuned for those who come along, this sounds so interesting !!

MINUsES

There's this one famous rule in writing, "Show don't tell". It's usually not told to beginner writers to not confuse them as they write and to not totally unmotivated them, but as you seem faaaar from being a beginner writer, this could really help your future writings.
In your first chapter, you describe your characters, and the first thing you say about them is that they're richly dressed.
With the show don't tell rule, your story would've gone something like:
you describe how they dress, and IMPLY that they're richly dressed, without actually saying it.
For example saying, "she had a beautiful gown with sapphires embroidered in it"

Same for when they start staring at each other. You say something like "both were attracted towards each other because of their meretricious appearance."
Maybe instead of first saying that, you could say how the guy steals glances towards the woman whenever she isn't looking, while the woman reddens and found herself at loss of words when seeing him.

You see, actually SHOWING how a person is well dressed, or how two people like each other, is actually better than just saying "she loves him" "she's well dressed". It makes the writing more airy and realistic as well as having the reader more able to visualise the scene.

PLUSES

Everything about this story is so sweet, it feels like a fairy tale. I loved the little dialogue between Cortez and Shayene's father. The descriptions of their clothing was also very rich and you have an unique style of writing I absolutely love reading.

Please tag me when the new chapters come out <3

Hi! Thanks for tagging me!
I enjoyed this chapter! Though, you could’ve extended it into a bigger chapter, but even so, it’s amazing!

Glows
This chapter was sweet and I especially liked the little conversation between Cortez and Shayene’s father. It was precise and I like the little details you put like Shayene’s clothing…
I also think you had the pace done just perfectly! No scene felt like it was too short or too long!
The chapter was written in a unique way, and I am looking forward to the next!


Grows

#1
Cortez Shivick had no fascination for wealth but then also he had to lead a luxurious lifestyle only to show that he was the son of one of the greatest business man in the country.

‘Then also’ sounds a bit awkward, so you could change it to ‘even so’.

#2
Cortez and Shayene were amazed for each other and their fathers were amazed for them. This continued for a fee moments until Cortez was called by one of his friend.

I found two mistakes here:
a) ‘Cortez and Shayene were amazed for each other and their fathers were amazed for them’
Using ‘for’ is grammatically incorrect, and it should instead be: ‘by’.

b) Just a typo: ‘this continued for a fee moments…’
I think you meant ‘few’.


Lastly,
I loved this and look forward to the next chapter! Please tag me when you release it!


Keep writing!
~rida

'Ello there! Thank you for the review request!

She was the daughter of the owner of the major contributor in Cortez Shivick's father's business.

It was the largest spice company in the whole country. The main reason behind it was that the quality of the products were the best in the country.

When they first met each other in a grand party arranged by Cortez's father, both were attracted towards each other because of their meretricious appearance.

“Yes. Yes. Of course, we can. I just have to take her consent.”

It was no more a surprise and would be a welcomed reality within a few upcoming days.