a month has passed since the wedding. The couples lived a great time together full of luxury.
“Hello Cortez, are you going out?” asked Shayene as softly as possible.
“Ahem. Ahem…” the sound came from the adjacent room. The couples went there to see what’s happening. They saw Cortez’s father coughing loudly.
“Father, is anything wrong with you? Are you feeling ill?” Cortez asked
“No. no. I am all right.” Cortez’s father answered coughing more vigorously.
“No Papa, I think something is wrong. You are coughing s loudly. Shall I call a doctor?”
“No, I am completely fine.”
“Cortez, you call a doctor. I don’t think everything is okay.” Shayene said worriedly.
“Yes. I am calling.” Answered Cortez taking up the phone and dialling the number.
“Papa,” he continued, “Don’t worry. The doctor will arrive soon.”
“No need to call the doctor.” His father said
Suddenly, they saw blood was coming out of Cortez’s father mouth- He was vomiting blood!
“Papa, papa. Don’t talk. The doctor will arrive soon. Shayene please see if the doctor is arriving.” Said Cortez putting her hand over his father’s head.
Within a few minutes, the doctor arrived. By that time, Cortez’s father has stopped vomiting and was almost senseless.
“Doctor! Please see. My father isn’t responding.” Said Cortez taking the bag from him.
“Yes, yes. I am seeing. Don’t worry.” Said the doctor nearing Cortez’s father. The doctor checked the pulse and looked tensely at the watch. Cortez’s father was lying like a dead person. His hands were hanging from the bed. the bed was almost wet of the blood.
“WE don’t have much time. Call ambulance as fast as possible. His pulse rate is decreasing.” Said the hopeless doctor.
“What!” Shayene exclaimed almost fainting in the floor.
“Yes, I am calling. Nothing will happen to my father.” Said Cortez dialling the ambulance number in one hand and supporting Shayene in the other.
The ambulance arrived and they went to the hospital. The doctor checked the pulse and turned his face away from Cortez. “Doctor, be quick! Why are you so lazy?” Yelled Cortez at the doctor.
“We are sorry! He is no more!” replied the doctor.
“What! Shut up, don’t tell lies.”
“I am not.”
By then, press, media, many famous personalities, thousand and lakhs of citizens have gathered there only to witness the death of one of the greatest businessmen of the country.
End of chapter
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140,115 Literary Works • 673,019 Reviews
Hi Forever,
Mailice back with another review!
You managed to turn a wonderful time in the first chapter into a real tragedy. That it would escalate so quickly I find very surprising and interesting, especially in view of the chapters to come. So Cortez's father is dead. There's the question of how relevant that will be for the sequel. Did he now inherit all the money and assets? How will the relationship between his wife and him develop as a result? These are some questions that are going through my mind right now. I'm still curious about how it will continue.
You keep the upper hand here in your writing to some extent. A few spelling mistakes here and there but generally you manage to make the chapter flow quite quickly. It seems almost too fast and from one second to the next Cortez's father is dead. I found the ending in the hospital a bit rushed. You've been working towards that point for most of the chapter, but you end it in a rather abrupt and quick ending, so you can't really see or notice Cortez's feelings. How does he feel about his father's death? What did he feel when he started coughing? Since I assume from the blood vomiting that it has something to do with the lungs, it would have to be some time ago that he had this cough. Or was he poisoned? In any case, you've created a little mystery here, and I'm looking forward to seeing what happens in the next chapter.
Some other points that I caught:
Right at the beginning, a small a.
"a couple" means a pair. If you write it in the plural it is several couples and as far as I know Cortez has no twin as well as Shayene.
Apart from the capital "A" here (say it did swap places with the "a" at the beginning)
Please take a look, would fit better.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Hi Dossereana back with another review as promised, so let's get right into it.
great start to the chapter I'm happy the couples have been in luxury.
My first thought is I wonder who did the Ahem. second because there is only one couple I think if you say couples it's like there's more then one couple in the room, so just a suggestion, maybe take the s out. other then that this paragraph is great.
Oh dear I hope his father is okay, it doesn't sound like his doing so well.
Now on to why lonely s is in bold down there, it is because I think you meant to say so, if not then I'm not quite sure why it's there.
Oh dear I'm getting really worried about his father right now, I really hope he's alright.
I feel like he has Cancer because his Vomiting blood, other wise I don't no, oh dear shame I hope he'll make it.
Oh my gosh this is getting so much more intense, also dialling is in bold because it's spelled dialing without the double l.
First aww so sorry for Cortez right now pure thing, just lost his dad in a real hard way. second, I feel like this death didn't really mean anything because we didn't really no his father very well, so we weren't as attached as we could have been. I feel like you could have done more character development on him before his death happens. also next thing we don't even no what is wrong with him, even by the end of the chapter. Third and last, I also feel like you could make your chapters longer then they are, there a bit short.
Now that is all that I can say, I no I had a lot to say, so I'm so sorry if I was to harsh, if I was please forgive me, I'm just trying to help, not bring your writing spirit down. Your story's really good so far.
I hope you have a great day/night witch ever side of the world your on.
@Dossereana Flying Over The Green Room And Spreading Shards Of Encouragement
Hey! MapleWay here with a quick review!
This was so sad. Especially how Cortez refuses to believe it. For example, in the end, he says,
You did a good job sharing his emotions as if you were there. When it came to the chapter as a whole I liked the dialogue! There was a lot of it but in my opinion, all that did was add to the story Anyways great next chapter! I will try to review chapter three later today!
Thanks for the review
What's wrong?
Wrote a review but it was too short so I deleted it and rewrote it.
Oo. I understand
Oo. I understand
Heyy, I'm finally gonna review this
and thanks for tagging me btw
Oh god this line:
“Ahem. Ahem…” the sound came from the adjacent room. The couples went there to see what’s happening. They saw Cortez’s father coughing loudly.
I just started laughing aloud in my room when I read this xD
Basically, saying "Ahem ahem" in writing, it's usually meant ironically. so I thought he was like saying "ahem ahem this is awkward" 😂
so maybe use something like "they heard a cough coming from the room" or something like that, because "ahem ahem" is basically sarcasm.
I don't have anything else to say really, this is a tad too short for me to fully review this as a chapter. There were a few typos I saw here and there, but nothing too big. So yeah.
Tag me for the next chapter <3
I uploaded chapter 3. You can check it out. And thanks for that. Actually I got that sound from the internet. Internet is wrong...
Thanks for the review.
It definitely is xD
and I'll go check it out right away
'Ello again!
I'd still like to point out that there is a lot more telling than showing, especially in dialogue scenes. You have a lot of dialogue, but it's all a bit flat. If your father was sick, I doubt you would say something like "Father. Are you sick?"
This is my main example, and if you showed instead of telling, you wouldn't have to restate the coughing idea several times because it would already be fleshed out enough for a reader to understand everything completely.
This just wouldn't happen. Maybe something else that isn't plain rude. If you are rude to someone, they might not do what you want, so probably not the best action to do when a family member is pretty sick.
This is one of the best things I've read because it's so poetically comical in this situation, which I guess isn't that great.
Ah I'd hate this so much if I was there. When someone close to you is dying, you want to ugly cry and be sad in peace. Having hundreds of people be there to witness that would just ruin a moment that is meant to be something private.
This has some great potential! Keep up the work, and you'll get there. Just try showing what happens more than explaining it because that will help so much!
Good job!
lum
Thank you so much. I will of course work on it. I just need some time