Hi Forever,
Mailice back with another review!
You managed to turn a wonderful time in the first chapter into a real tragedy. That it would escalate so quickly I find very surprising and interesting, especially in view of the chapters to come. So Cortez's father is dead. There's the question of how relevant that will be for the sequel. Did he now inherit all the money and assets? How will the relationship between his wife and him develop as a result? These are some questions that are going through my mind right now. I'm still curious about how it will continue.
You keep the upper hand here in your writing to some extent. A few spelling mistakes here and there but generally you manage to make the chapter flow quite quickly. It seems almost too fast and from one second to the next Cortez's father is dead. I found the ending in the hospital a bit rushed. You've been working towards that point for most of the chapter, but you end it in a rather abrupt and quick ending, so you can't really see or notice Cortez's feelings. How does he feel about his father's death? What did he feel when he started coughing? Since I assume from the blood vomiting that it has something to do with the lungs, it would have to be some time ago that he had this cough. Or was he poisoned? In any case, you've created a little mystery here, and I'm looking forward to seeing what happens in the next chapter.
Some other points that I caught:
a month has passed since the wedding.
Right at the beginning, a small a.
The couples lived a great time together full of luxury.
"a couple" means a pair. If you write it in the plural it is several couples and as far as I know Cortez has no twin as well as Shayene.
“Yes. I am calling.” Answered Cortez
Apart from the capital "A" here (say it did swap places with the "a" at the beginning) you would only need to write a "Yes". The second sentence sounds like Cortez isn't calling but is saying it so that everyone thinks he is calling.
Please see.
Please take a look, would fit better.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Points: 0
Reviews: 1232
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