Young Writers Society

Hi Forever,

Mailice back with another review!

You managed to turn a wonderful time in the first chapter into a real tragedy. That it would escalate so quickly I find very surprising and interesting, especially in view of the chapters to come. So Cortez's father is dead. There's the question of how relevant that will be for the sequel. Did he now inherit all the money and assets? How will the relationship between his wife and him develop as a result? These are some questions that are going through my mind right now. I'm still curious about how it will continue.

You keep the upper hand here in your writing to some extent. A few spelling mistakes here and there but generally you manage to make the chapter flow quite quickly. It seems almost too fast and from one second to the next Cortez's father is dead. I found the ending in the hospital a bit rushed. You've been working towards that point for most of the chapter, but you end it in a rather abrupt and quick ending, so you can't really see or notice Cortez's feelings. How does he feel about his father's death? What did he feel when he started coughing? Since I assume from the blood vomiting that it has something to do with the lungs, it would have to be some time ago that he had this cough. Or was he poisoned? In any case, you've created a little mystery here, and I'm looking forward to seeing what happens in the next chapter.

Some other points that I caught:

a month has passed since the wedding.

The couples lived a great time together full of luxury.

“Yes. I am calling.” Answered Cortez

Please see.

Hi Dossereana back with another review as promised, so let's get right into it.

a month has passed since the wedding. The couples lived a great time together full of luxury.

“Ahem. Ahem…” the sound came from the adjacent room. The couples went there to see what’s happening. They saw Cortez’s father coughing loudly.

“Father, is anything wrong with you? Are you feeling ill?” Cortez asked

“No. no. I am all right.” Cortez’s father answered coughing more vigorously.

“No Papa, I think something is wrong. You are coughing s loudly. Shall I call a doctor?”

“No, I am completely fine.”

“Cortez, you call a doctor. I don’t think everything is okay.” Shayene said worriedly.

“Yes. I am calling.” Answered Cortez taking up the phone and dialling the number.

“Papa,” he continued, “Don’t worry. The doctor will arrive soon.”

“No need to call the doctor.” His father said

Suddenly, they saw blood was coming out of Cortez’s father mouth- He was vomiting blood!

“Papa, papa. Don’t talk. The doctor will arrive soon. Shayene please see if the doctor is arriving.” Said Cortez putting her hand over his father’s head.

Within a few minutes, the doctor arrived. By that time, Cortez’s father has stopped vomiting and was almost senseless.

“WE don’t have much time. Call ambulance as fast as possible. His pulse rate is decreasing.” Said the hopeless doctor.

“What!” Shayene exclaimed almost fainting in the floor.

“Yes, I am calling. Nothing will happen to my father.” Said Cortez dialling the ambulance number in one hand and supporting Shayene in the other.

The ambulance arrived and they went to the hospital. The doctor checked the pulse and turned his face away from Cortez. “Doctor, be quick! Why are you so lazy?” Yelled Cortez at the doctor.

“We are sorry! He is no more!” replied the doctor.

“What! Shut up, don’t tell lies.”

“I am not.”

By then, press, media, many famous personalities, thousand and lakhs of citizens have gathered there only to witness the death of one of the greatest businessmen of the country.

Hey! MapleWay here with a quick review!

This was so sad. Especially how Cortez refuses to believe it. For example, in the end, he says,

“What! Shut up, don’t tell lies.”

Heyy, I'm finally gonna review this and thanks for tagging me btw

Oh god this line:
“Ahem. Ahem…” the sound came from the adjacent room. The couples went there to see what’s happening. They saw Cortez’s father coughing loudly.

I just started laughing aloud in my room when I read this xD
Basically, saying "Ahem ahem" in writing, it's usually meant ironically. so I thought he was like saying "ahem ahem this is awkward" 😂
so maybe use something like "they heard a cough coming from the room" or something like that, because "ahem ahem" is basically sarcasm.

I don't have anything else to say really, this is a tad too short for me to fully review this as a chapter. There were a few typos I saw here and there, but nothing too big. So yeah.

Tag me for the next chapter <3

'Ello again!

I'd still like to point out that there is a lot more telling than showing, especially in dialogue scenes. You have a lot of dialogue, but it's all a bit flat. If your father was sick, I doubt you would say something like "Father. Are you sick?"

“No Papa, I think something is wrong. You are coughing s loudly. Shall I call a doctor?”

“Doctor, be quick! Why are you so lazy?”

He is no more!

By then, press, media, many famous personalities, thousand and lakhs of citizens have gathered there only to witness the death of one of the greatest businessmen of the country.