This is the last chapter and I think there are many rooms of improvement in it. Especially, I need help with the pace and details.
Jacob Miller, who had started the Charity trust, was on the peak of popularity. The poor could eat two times a day and some even got a shelter by the munificent old man. If anyone would ask him who he was, he would say that he had no identity except that of an aged whose heart always cried fir the needy. Once, the president too came to meet him for his deeds.
On the other hand, the cake company in which Cortez worked was becoming suspicious. Many people reported delusions after eating their products. Eventually their cakes were tested which made the dark secret behind their popularity as clear as sunlight– their cakes contained drugs.
Without getting any way to escape, most of the workers cloaked as beggars. Despite the concern, Cortez was relaxed. How could he be caught? He was a famous figure. Shayene's eyes became wide and tears fell down as she saw the news on the television. Shayene had earlier thought that Cortez was innocent and was not a part of it but her misunderstanding broke when Cortez was missing for two days.
The police were disgusted for they couldn't find a single culprit. That is when Shayene provided them with evidence which were hidden inside a wall safe in Cortez's room.
The police targeted the famous figures. Jacob Miller, being one of them, was also intrigued. This unveiled a truth for which his rest of the life turned into a hell. One police officer said, “Cortez aka Jacob Miller, you are arrested. No way of escaping.”
Shayene couldn't tolerate any more. She divorced him without being forced by her father and eventually married Alvaro Fabiano whose present personality impressed Shayene beyond expression. Both of them left Cortez in a world of loneliness which finally ended in a fire accident inside the jail leading to the decline of each and every living and non-living particle of the jail.
THE END
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139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hi Forever,
Mailice here with the final review for your novel!
With the conclusion of this story, I have to say that its structure is much more developed than Marie's (sorry, can't remember the name.) The performance you showed with Cortez Shivick is an extreme example of a person's fall, rise and fall again. Almost in a fairy tale manner, the story felt like a modern fable that you showed here. That's definitely a great point that I liked here.
In a review I once mentioned that I'm not so good with social media, probably also because I don't have any of these everyday eaters. But I still found it comprehensible how you built up the story, because it was obvious that you had dealt with the topic. I don't know your opinion about social media and I would guess from the text that you are not a big fan of it, especially when it comes to such big influencers where you don't know what to believe.
I was surprised when I started reading the story and also very pleased to see that your characters were very fleshed out. You couldn't exactly tell Cortez was looking for attention at the beginning, but that became more apparent the further you read. I also liked Shayene, but as the chapters went on I felt that she was pushed more into the background and also had constant swings in emotions, sometimes helping Cortez and sometimes not. It would be important to make that clearer in any case.
One of the main problems is probably the pacing of the story. It started with a new "theme" with almost every chapter, which you built up well until the point where it was heading towards the end. I would have liked you to have given the reader more information there to make it clearer that the reaction of Cortez's action is better developed. Sometimes you just left out the whole point and it seemed as if everything had been forgotten.
Another problem with the pacing was that it always seemed like we were only looking at snippets that you were showing. Each time it was enough to get familiar with the characters, but as soon as you thought enough was shown, the sequel came. I guess it's important to expand on something in the process. One tip I would advise you to do is to write more than you show. Just like in a film where not all the scenes make it into the final film, you can also write more, add other scenes and thus build up the depth of the characters even more. In the end, you can always take them out or change them, but that also gives you more information for yourself.
Finally, I would like to say that there were some chapters that still suffered a bit much from typos. As I think I've already advised, just let the text rest. Since this is less the case with your most recent story, I can already see a good improvement. In the end, I have to say that I actually liked the story. It was modern and contemporary and yet interesting to read without being too clichéd.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Hi! Rida here for a review!
Ahh congratulations on ending such a great novel!!!!
The ending was really sad, but I felt you rushed it.
Also, maybe you could elongate this chapter by placing all information you are telling us into scenes...
For example, here:
“Shayene couldn't tolerate any more. She divorced him without being forced by her father and eventually married Alvaro Fabiano whose present personality impressed Shayene beyond expression. Both of them left Cortez in a world of loneliness which finally ended in a fire accident inside the jail leading to the decline of each and every living and non-living particle of the jail.”
You could maybe show how Shayene was impressed, like you could show that Shayene had just sent divorce papers to Cortez, and maybe because she still felt really broken-hearted so she went to a park which was more like a forest, and she found Alvaro taking pictures of birds and they talked and there you show the change in Alvaro...
Anyway, I loved the chapters.
I’ll be snooping around your portfolio for another novel.....
Congrats again!
~rida
Thanks for the review. Yes, I agree it was a bit rushed. Okay, I will try to make the pace slower
Well that was depressing
Everyone has talked about pace and typos and character development- so I won't dwell on that. Instead I'll talk about that ending.
Finally ! That dude got what he deserved !!
I just feel like his downfall was a bit rushed. Like his arc really. He starts off as this nice person, but him being controlled by greed until he dies because of it was pretty rushed. But that's more something you need to work on in previous chapters.
Cortez's death was also rushed. I feel like one of the main character's death shouldn't be so simply put. His death also could've tied more into the theme of greed, like he literally dies because of his greed, or Shayene divorces him, but he doesn't die in prison. He goes on to live his life, rich but alone, and dies as the loneliest man on earth. It still keeps your depressing tone, but ties in better with your themes.
I had a fun time reading this novel, and can't wait for you to write more
Hey there! MapleWay here with a review!
Wow. This was quite an ending. Cortez finally got what he deserved. What's funny is that if this happened in the first couple of chapters I wouldn't have been sad for him. But since you developed his character so well I felt like he was a distant cousin of mine. And even if he made some bad mistakes. He was like family. I could continue on how ell you developed his character but instead I will break it up into a full-fledged review!
I liked how you made his identity a type of figurative language like that! It is true that people really don't seem to question you with an excuse like that! Also, in the part where you said, "whose heart always cried fir the needy." I believe you were righting a bit fast because it should've been for not fir.
Wow. The first time I read this I was so surprised. Drugs? IN CAKE! I only hope no little five-year-olds got one of these on their birthday. If they did. That's just messed up. Also, there should be a comma after the word, "Eventually".
I feel so bad for Shayene here. She has been through so much with Cortez and doesn't seem to get a break. She is so sure that all he needs is one more shot but every time he lets her down.
Great ending! It's a little dark but definitely sets a mood. Shayene moves on to someone who helped Cortez while Cortez rotted in jail. Like I said in the beginning I feel bad for him but at the same time, he deserved it. He was given second, third, and even fourth chances. He knew they would get him eventually. He figured he had to make his dream come true. And where you said any more you should combine them so it is anymore.
Anyways great last chapter! Besides what I said I wouldn't change a thing. It was a little short but I couldn't think of anyways to make it longer. (I would usually say could you tag me but this time you can't because there aren't any more chapters!)
- MapleWay
Thank you so much for the review. And I will change those.
No problem! Also, thank you for writing this novel! I really enjoyed it!
You are welcome. You really helped me a lot in writing this one.
Bruhhhhhhh goes out with a bang
Ending is kinda depressing though