Cortez Shivick(Chapter 4)

Hi Forever,

Mailice here with another short review!

Again, the story takes an interesting turn and it looks like things are going uphill again. But that leaves me with the open question, what happened to the strike? In any case, this chapter has shown me that your characters are much more interesting and polished than they looked at the beginning. They are far deeper and more detailed with the character traits as assumed at the beginning. I think that is very good.

I liked the conversation between Shayene and her father. You could clearly feel the love she has for her husband there, and think you did a really great job of portraying that. The subsequent shouting at him definitely did something to bring him out of his brief depressive phase. I liked the concept of CU (probably a pun from See you) and that they made it into something quickly. With that said, you can see very clearly that Cortez is someone who is strongly striving for that popularity you hinted at in the beginning of the chapter.

But also, as you have the trend of opening the chapters with a kind of timeskip, I find that the endings are a bit too abrupt and I would recommend lengthening it. Since a chapter of yours is usually structured in a way that one is on a path and is contesting it, and the result comes at the end, it would be better to present this result better. You don't just bake the cake, you also eat it with the family afterwards, don't you? That's what I'm getting at. The reaction of the action must be as important as the action itself.

Otherwise, it was a really great chapter. Compared to your previous story, this is already a great improvisation.

Some other points that caught my eye:

Shayene suggested him a number of jobs such as accountancy and stockbroker but none would bring him popularity that he desires.

“Papa! I want to give him a chance! Every business has its ups and downs, surely his will rise too!” Shayene protested, surprised at her father’s words.

I don’t want to give up just yet. I don’t want to loose him.

You can make me videos there.”

The way you introduce your story sounds more like a documentary or a retelling of an actual event you'd find in a newspaper. It's a bit dry, but that can be fixed by stirring up some emotion. It's one of those show, don't tell situations. Capture what you think they're feeling and describe it. Varying sentence structure helps too, such as making a longer sentence that's more in-depth and emotional in a paragraph with more regular sentences to mix it up a bit. The first sentence is your hook, so you can delve into your own way of making the reader truly experience how long those months must have felt. Example: The months dragged by without distinction; each minute more painful than the next, and the clock couldn't have ticked any slower.

Add some dramatic effect when things aren't moving as fast in your story. Heighten the stakes, even if it feels like there isn't much action going on. "Cortez and Shayene couldn't find any way of income that could meet Cortez's demand." You could add some more detail to Cortez's demand. The reader can infer how impactful his demand by the way the characters feel about it. Example: Cortez and Shayene hit a dead end. All the roads open to them had already been explored. The pot of gold and its shiny gold became fainter by the second.

Shayene went to her father for a few suggestions of job but there something more was in store for her.

Don't tell the reader directly that something unexpected is about to happen. Foreshadowing is good in some cases, but I think a conversation with her father doesn't need to be foreshadowed since it follow right after.

"“Why don’t you just divorce him? His business is ruined, he barely has money to eat and he’ll drag you down too!” Her father said one evening, a concerned yet slightly angry expression conquering his face."

The reader already knows the father is speaking, and writing that he said that one evening sounds a bit awkward. Also the wording of anger conquering his face doesn't really seem to fit. I recommend looking up or having a bunch of synonyms available(https://describingwords.io/for/anger).

“Papa! I want to give him a chance! Every business has its ups and downs, surely his will rise too!” Shayene protested, surprised at her father’s words."
Here's another case of needing to show and not tell. Surprise can be shown by adding a sentence saying that in all of her childhood, she had never seen her father so serious. Or that his words felt like a stake going through her heart.

"I don’t want to loose him."
Lose instead of loose. Loose means that something is not very tight, such as a loose fitting shirt.

"Her father sighed."
Only a couple sentences ago you broke the paragraph to write that Shayene sighed. Be careful of repetition.

"She said, happiness glistening on her face."
You have a pattern of flat out naming the emotion rather than conveying it. Using body language instead can be helpful.

"Her father smiled. He loved his daughter very much. He was happy as long as she was happy. He smiled, patting his daughter’s hand."
More repetition here. You already said once that her father smiled.

"Shayene went back to Cortez's house. There, Cortez was scrolling through his phone sitting on the sofa. He stood up when Shayene's suitcase flew past him which was thrown by her."
You also don't seem to explain the scenery much and the story feels more like a retelling of an event in a documentary rather than an actual story. You could describe the weather outside, how he was lounging on the couch, his clothes, etc.

“ Why are you always immersed in the sea of popularity?”

Asked Shayene sitting on the sofa."

You don't need to add that she asked this after because the reader already knows that. Also make sure to put it right after the dialogue without a line break. Overall, you jump to scenes way too quickly and don't involve the reader directly into the feelings the character is experiencing. Ultimately, the reader won't care or be invested when time goes by this quickly and things are suddenly thrown into the plot without explaining, such as the Chroma Key.

My main thought on the novel thus far is that you skipped over a lot of details. For instance, what was Cortez and Shayene's marriage like at the beginning? How did it feel for Cortez to lose his father? How did the pandemic affect Cortez personally? What did reaching 50k subscribers feel like? I want to know how these characters feel, not just what happened to them.
That being said, I do like your characters. Cortez is determined, Shayene is supportive, their relationship works.
As for your prose, I think a spelling and grammar checker could help it seem more polished. Other than that, prose is something that has to be developed over a long period of time. Practice will help you learn how you want to say things, and there's not much advice I can give you other than that.
I look forward to seeing what you write in the future! Good luck!

Hey there! Ryu here to give you a review on this work <3

I’ve got a few main points for you.

1) I really like the community you made here. I like how all the characters interact sophisticatedly, you did a great job with that.

2) One thing that I really am not a fan of is your word choice. I would say in order to have your work be more attractive, use vivid details and word choice. You used simple words like “look” and “turned” and “said” a lot. Instead, try using things like “glanced” and “responded.” Thesauruses would help you out a lot here.

That’s all I’ve got! Keep up the great work! <3

Hey! MapleWay here with a quick review!

I liked this chapter a lot! I did a great job furthering both Cortez's and Shayene's personalities and goals.

“I don’t want to give up just yet. I don’t want to loose him. Please, don’t make it harder than it already is.”

Shayene shuddered, “You don't have to imagine also. I will not allow any type of dishonest works.”

“What! Shut up! I will do it.” Cortez said smiling at Alvaro as if he needed help.