Young Writers Society

Hi Forever,

Mailice back with another short review!

You can see very well this change in Cortez, that he is now completely forgotten in the world and retreats to his room. It shows the loss and the urge to do something, and how much he pushed to achieve something, achieved it, only to fall. It also clearly shows that there is more to life than this kind of work. I think you did a great job of tying that into the story, how he withdraws and wants to be completely isolated in his mind and finds a new little interest where he can distract himself.

I liked that chapter. It stood out because you showed a change here again, which can be observed indirectly. Psychologically, Cortez has lost part of his identity and is now in a crisis where he is looking for a new identity. This is very well portrayed by Mrs Brown, how he tries to present this problem with this kind of solution. I especially like how quickly he seems to know how to solve this problem, but his wife has no idea about it. I liked how you made it so that this chapter is presented like a new short low but also a rise.

Just one thing I noticed that now makes me wonder where he's gone, but where's Alvaro? He's no longer with Cortez, of course, that's clear, but his departure is not described at all in a way as if he never existed.

Some points I noticed while reading:

Many moons passed- one day seemed like the beginning and ending of one epoch.

This is really a very nice way to start the chapter. I like it when you try something new and this went really well.

Cortez said throwing the phone towards the door in disgust. Maybe, due to fate, Shayene was not hurt.

I don't understand here how the two sentences complement each other. With the second sentence it seems like Cortez was going to hit Shayene with the phone, but it's described that he hit the door. Where was Shayene at that point? Not yet in the room or just about to come in? I would specify.

No, he didn't want to.

Is there a specific reason here that the "No" is in bold?

This in turn influenced Cortez to do something bigger which was out of Shayene's imagination.

Oh, that's great forshadowing. I like how this chapter builds from beginning to end with such an effect.

Have fun writing!

Mailice

Hey there! Plume here, with a review! I noticed your piece has been in the green room for a bit, so I thought I'd bump it out!

I've been enjoying the story so far! I think your plot is very interesting and I'm interested to see how you continue it! Tracing the sort of up and down path Cortez has taken throughout this work as a whole has been very cool to see.

One thing I really enjoyed about this section was the way you incorporate both action and dialogue simultaneously. It gives your scenes this sort of multilayered, 3-d effect. It's incredibly realistic, because most of the time, people aren't just talking or just doing actions. They're doing both at the same time, and you write it in a very clear way that creates perfect visuals in the mind of the reader. Nice work!

One thing I wondered about was the consistency. I feel like your writing voice could use some work. It fluctuates between formal and informal. I also feel like there are points where your dialogue is a little stiff, and it doesn't sound naturalistic at all. It's something that can be honed, though. Just pay attention to how people sound either in your life, or on TV/in media, and translate that into your writing.

Specifics

I noticed a few grammar errors as I was reading this piece.

Cortez was literally ransacking his head for an effortless yet an important post that will return back his monumental position in the society.

"Literally" is misused there. And "will" should be "would."

"Yes! I will bring you back." Cortez said throwing the phone towards the door in disgust.

That period after the dialogue should be a comma, since you have a dialogue tag after it. Also, there should be a comma before the phrase "throwing the phone towards the door in disgust."

No, he didn't want to.

I wondered why the no was bolded. Usually, bolding in prose is used to emphasize a title or a part that is supposed to be different from the rest. Using it on just a single word to me feels a little out of place. If you want to emphasize it, I'd suggest using italics instead.

"Nothing" Cortez replied taking up the phone and moving out of the room.

To me, "taking up" is kind of a weird phrasing. I don't think I've ever heard anyone use it like that before. I think "taking" should suffice, or you could say "picking up." Also, you need a comma after "nothing."

Overall: nice work! I'm looking forward to reading more of this piece. Until next time!

Hey there! MapleWay here with a review!

This was a very interesting next chapter. We learn more about life for Cortez and even life for Shayene. Cortez can't even go outside or stones will be thrown at him. He is like a dog chasing a big treat of popularity whie on an tremill. Even if he runs fast enough to get his treat when he stops for even a second he is back where he started. I'm not sure why I just thought of this but feel free to use it.

"Charity! I see, that Olivia Brown inspired you na? I am returning all these things." she said, taking up Cortez's phone from beside the pillow.

This in turn influenced Cortez to do something bigger which was out of Shayene's imagination.

Great cliffhanger! I can't wait to see what happens next! What is this crazy new idea he has? Is it a good one? Or is it just going to do the exact opposite of what he wants? Coul you please tag me on the next chapter so I can find out?

- MapleWay