Viper was jerked awake when a sharp talon was jabbed into his side, the slight pain rippling along his body. Viper groaned as he flapped one of his wings at the door to try and shoo away what as bugging him so early in the morning.
Another sharp pain could soon be felt again on his side. The pain a little more intense than the last one.
“Are you awake?” A hushed voice spoke, their breath tickling Viper's black horns.
“I am now.” Viper grumbled, slowly lifting his head to be met with another’s eager gaze.
The other Sand Wyvern looked back at him, his eyes seemed to have a spark to them. “I want to get training!” Ndutu whispered, poking Viper again.
Letting out a groan Viper slowly sat up, stretching his wings out around him, his bones cracking back into place. Once he stood to his full height he looked down at Ndutu, who was giving him an eager look.
Letting out a yearn Viper asked. “Why so early?” He arched an eye crest.
Ndutu shrugged his shoulders. “I wanted to get as much training in before you get sent out on a mission,” He said haply, his dark mood from yesterday now gone. “Also what you said yesterday, really got me thinking.” He paused to take a breath. “The thing you said about how I’m going to take years to even get to the level you’re at? Well, I’m going to prove you wrong!” He said triumphantly.
“Oh, and how so?” Viper questioned with a grin, happy to see Ndutu come out of his shell, and ask him to train, he was really worried it was too soon for him to train a dragonet. He was afraid he didn’t give Ndutu what he needed yesterday. But things seem to have worked out.
Ndutu looked up at Viper his face shining. “Well I practically stayed up all night thinking about it, and I came to two solutions!” He put one talon in the air while closing his eyes. “The first one is that I train double-time with you! Which with work, but then another better idea came to me. I could train double time and you show me all your cool tricks and moves!”
Nodding his head Viper let out a chuckle. “Sorry Ndutu but you have already gone wrong with two things.”
“What!?” Ndutu shouted, a look of devastation upon his face.
“Ssshhh!” Viper hissed his eyes narrowed. “Listen, your intentions are good, there is nothing wrong with a plan to become the best soldier you can be, or in your case future chief. But you mustn’t stay up all night thinking about it, a good soldier always s gets their rest when they can.”
“Oh.” Ndutu’s face fell, a dark cloud seemed to come upon him. “What was the other mistake?”
“Well, we can’t call it a mistake it’s just something all us soldiers had to learn at one point in our lives.” Viper paused to think over what he’s going to say. “You see I may be able to teach you all the tricks and moves, but I won’t be able to teach you the things that I have come up with.”
Cocking his head Ndutu asked. “Why not?” The newly lit fires dancing along his scales.
Letting out a chuckle Viper began to explain. “Well let’s say you have the ability to mix venom with your bite. That ability is unique, because you are the only one that can do it, and it’s very unlikely anyone else can do it.” Letting out a sigh Viper continued. “But I will be able to teach you all the basic skills of fighting, but from there you need to expand and make your own attacks.”
“Oh, I get it now!” Ndutu yelled, jumping up from where he had sat down. Then his eyes turned stern again. “So is that what you did yesterday with the Onyx Wyvern? Was that an attack you came up with?”
Walking out the sleeping cave and into the halls Viper gave Ndutu a small nod, the memories of yesterday coming back to him, he had hoped it was a nightmare. But that wasn’t the case. “Yes that was a move I came up with more ales, I will teach you how to spin in the air that is something you can do.”
Viper frowned when he looked into the empty sleeping caves, normally everyone was still asleep, and it wasn’t even past sunrise yet. What was going on? With hurried steps, Viper walked into the busy halls of the underground caves. Ndutu just behind him.
“What is going on?” Ndutu asked his eyes wide with wonder as he watched other dragons run too and fro.
“I don’t know.” Viper looked behind him at Ndutu he sighed. “Look I need to find out what is going on, it could be important. You go train or something. I will try and train with you later.”
Seaming to understand Ndutu nodded his head and ran in the direction of the exit to the caves.
Looking from the crowd of dragons running through the halls to the roof Viper reckoned there was about two dragons worth of space between the ceiling and the dragons. Spreading his wings out Viper took to the air flying over the other dragons, he knew this was forbidden but he had to find out what was going on, and quickly.
His coal eyes scanned over the dragons in the hall in search of a dragon he knew would know what was going on.
It felt like hours had passed when he finally found a lean body pushing her way through the crowd. Their scales like lava as the firelight on their scales were distorted by all the shadows. Swooping down Viper hooked his talons around their waist.
The dragoness he was carrying through the halls let out a growl. “Viper put me down!” She barked.
Viper turned down into a dark hall, he then put the dragoness down then landed next to her. “What is going on Nuddia?” He asked casing a look out into the lighter hall.
Shrugging she said. “I don’t know, Venom has called a meeting…” She paused looking at Viper. “I think it has something to do with what happened yesterday.”
…
Viper and Nuddia pushed their way through the crowd as they tried to get to the front. Viper could see Venom standing on the platform in front of his throne, with four other dragons standing next to him, two on each side. Spreading his wings out so the firelight behind him seemed to burn through his wings he looked over the dragons before him, who quickly went silent.
‘This doesn’t look good! What if I was right and we are going to war. Are we ready for something like that? What about all the dragonets, and the villagers? What will happen to them?’ Viper thought his body going tense with worry.
A soft wing brushed against his, the touch almost soothing, but it wasn’t enough to stop his heart from racing. What if he was right, had Venom thought it through?
“What will happen if we do go to war?” Viper whispered to Nuddia, his voice seeping worry.
She just sighed, “I don’t know. Many things will change, and once the war is over nothing will be the same, just like the last three.” She looked over at him, her eyes holding the same worry he felt.
‘That’s if it ever ends.’ Viper thought, his eyes falling to the floor.
“Thank you for gathering here today!” Venom bellowed, his voice traveling throughout the room, his face holding no emotion, just like the day Viper met him. “Yesterday Viper saw something on patrol…” He paused. “Something I thought wouldn’t even cross our borders.”
“What was it?!” a dragoness called from the back of the room, you could hear to faint worry in her voice.
Razing a talon Venom continued. “An Onyx Wyvern!” he hissed, his voice dripping with venom.
The whole room let out a gasp as all the dragons looked around at one another and began to whisper among themselves.
A dark figure on the right side of Venom stepped forward his snout covered in many scars from the previous wars. His eyes were as hard as stone as he looked over the crowd of dragons. “We have lived through many other wars, I’m sure this one will be the same!” He shouted, his voice raspy with age.
Viper looked over to the aged dragon, coal eyes meeting another’s empty soul, feeling uneasy Viper quickly looked away. He then saw Vesirrion on the platform on Venoms left. The older dragon looked doubtful but he remained quiet.
“Are you saying we are going to be going to war again?” Another dragon hissed, his voice holding the fear of an inexperienced fighter.
Stepping forward quickly Vesirrion shook his head. “That is unknown to us still, we don’t know if they mean us any harm. Besides, we know nothing about this tribe.”
“So what do you plan to do about it?” The same dragon from before shouted.
Venom sighed. “We are going to send two of our most qualified soldiers to do a spying mission. They will hopefully be back in a month with the information we need, that is if all goes to plan, and while they're gone I want the rest of you to take on an apprentice, get them ready for war. That is if it comes to that.”
A young dragoness stepped forward out of the crowd, “Who will you be sending sir?” Her voice was soft and quiet as she spoke.
Looking over the dragons before him Venom's eyes held a light spark of pride. “Two dragons I trained as my apprentices. Viper and Nuddia will be going on the mission!”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
And that is the halfway point officially reached.
First Impression: Here the story gets a touch rushed in that first segment. The whole Ndutu waking Viper up and vomiting a lot of exposition scene feels like it just doesn't belong. Especially when it is placed against he rest of it. The rest of flows pretty well and sets up what is potentially the whole quest of this story. So that part is great. This first section just feels rushed and totally out of place in the grand scope of the story. If you were going to put that part, it would have better to put it in its own chapter spread out among about twice the words and the whole conflict that's introduced later could have been put to the next chapter.
Also nice bit of revenge for the rude awakening that Viper did earlier.
Despite all the things I said above, this is a really great bit of information no the world and the dragons in general. So the stuff that's written isn't the problem. The problem is the place that it has been placed in.
I have no idea what that word is supposed to mean. I think that was misspelled.
Wait so why does no one even like ask him why he is breaking the rules? Someone had to have noticed. Not even Nuddia asks him about it.
That should be raising. Razing means something totally different.
And the mission begins.
And that's it for this chapter.
Overall: I think this is meant to be that main catalyst for the plot. It does that job really well so good on you for that. If this could be split like I mentioned earlier, this would work pretty good. Besides Ndutu's development not much else happened on the whole character front so that's that.
Sorry if this one was a little shorter than the rest. I didn't have much else to point out. As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks for the review. Its okay if its short, there isn't really much exciting going on right now. Lol
Your Welcome!!
I just felt like I had to say it though.
That's fine, I too say my review is short when it is.
Yep. You just feel like saying it don't you?
*Sheepish* Yeah.
We're in the same boat I guess.
Oooh! So excited! I get to see more of Nuddia as you promised. I really do like her. And what was with Ndutu waking Viper up so dang early in the morning. Does that dragon have a death wish?! I'm surprised Viper had the self-control not to burn that dragonet on the spot pulling something like that. People have died for less! And yet, Viper was in extreme good humor (considering the circumstances). Bravo for him - I couldn't have reacted like that if I had been in his shoes (talons).
Thanks for answering my question in the previous review. So females are dragonesses. I should have known. It was pretty obvious. Just like empresses. Sounds incredibly royal and majestic!
I liked how you described that experienced dragons develop their own technique and strategy, personal only to themselves. Very thought-provoking and smart. Poor Viper must have seen lots of combat to develop that level of expertise at his young age.
Great job as always! Keep writing!
-Shield
Another review! Wow you are on a roll!
I want Viper to become more of a teacher the more he trains with Ndutu, because he was afraid he wouldn't do it write he wont snap at Ndutu.
I'm really glad you like Nuddia, I really like her too, and yes I do have big things for her later, but I'm not telling you any of that.
Thanks for the review!
Let's just get to the point
Wait, so is it a normal scene? The references to pain at first made me think something had happened and you had jumped ahead of time. But of course, I was distracted so nevermind
This dragonlet is very very clever. If he gets everything he's been told so quickly he'll become president of the world!
Maybe you should make him more uncertain once in a while
You repeated "what's going on" twice too closely
Ok this phrase - sorry I have to say it - is quite terrible.
- Once again, the same problem of repetition, this time with "dragons".
- "Viper reckoned there was about two dragons" makes it sound like he has to admit there are two dragons. Better "Viper reckoned two dragons".
- There were about two dragons, not was.
- In general, what does the phrase mean really?
You need to work on the use of words on this. The way they talk almost makes it sound like a comedic opera. Here is how I would write it:
"Thank you for gathering here today. I called this assembly in the event of recent news brought by our Viper while on patrol yesterday."
"What was it?" a dragoness called from the back of the room.
"I am arriving there," Venom patiently explained, "according to what Venom reported, we have reason to believe an onyx wyvern has crossed our borders."
So he has reason to believe there is a risk of another war against their enemies and he sends an apprentice to do such a dangerous spying mission? Relying only on his mentor? Wouldn't it be better have a team of experienced dragons to do this? Besides, how did he already decide it, didn't he discuss it with others, with a council or Viper himself?
This is a big credibility problem, you need to think hard on adjusting it.
Hallu!!Lets get it out of the green room shall we!!
First off i am really glad u r trying to add funny bits.It sparks up the whole story really well.
Ehh!!Wut now?
I think this part was soo cute both Viper and Nudutu were adorable.Especially Nudutu's eagerness and compassion is so admirable.I wish i was this compassionate about my life goals.
This pain
This sentence seems a bit off-key.I dunno the grammar seems a bit weird here.If ya know what i mean.
And asking
Again the grammar is giving the feels that sth is missing!!
Whats ales???A typo or a wut
Why did u use their??I don't get it
And
So these were sths i noticed.I would like to mention that the use of could here was probably overlooked by you and at some places feels quite uncomfortable.Other than that i loved it.I am so proud of Viper.My little sugar plum is going on a mission!!
Keep Up the Excellent Work:smt023
peace out
]Thank you so much for the review! I'll try and fix up this chapter when I get the chance!
No prob.I consider it my duty
XD well keep doing it, because you're doing an amazing job, and you're helping me A LOT!!
I am Gladd
%uD83D%uDE01
Hi @FlamingPhoenix I am here to do a review I loved this hole chapter. There was a lot going on in it to me. I love the description to your getting really good at that.
I thought that this hole bit was really really funny, I just think that if you wanted this bit to be funny then you really did a great job as coming out as that because it was. I really think that Ndutu is a very funny character. I also feel like you should keep some funny bits in but after a wile it can get a bit childish and so your readers don't read it any more. But hey you can ignore that if you want I am just saying what I think.so I still think that Venom is really scary and intimidating. I just think that he is one that is going to get the reader cringing a bit the way you have described him and every thing. Also I really think this is a great place to leave the chapter nice work. I am just going to be waiting for the next chapter to see what Viper and Nuddia's reaction is.
So nice work I really think that you are great at writing Flames.
So that is all that I can say, I hope you like the review as much as all the others that I did for you.
I hope you have a great Day/Night
@Dossereana In The Sky Of Reviews
Thanks for the review Doss!
Your welcome.