Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Okay time for the rapid review phase. Let's see how far we get.
First Impression: Okay you've started by setting the scene a bit here in the first chapter. Nothing wrong with that. It's done quite well.
And getting right to it,
Talons clashed and teeth flared. The cold rain beat down against Viper, the water running down his back and snout, but he never took his eyes off his opponent. He watched their every move. As quickly as a striking snake Viper ducked and dived to the sandy ground. He could feel his opponent right on his tail, just in time he opened his wings and flipped so his back was facing the ground. With a growl of satisfaction, he hooked his talons with the other dragon, flipping again so the other dragon was below him. Just before they crashed into the ground.
First of all what an opening!! Great scene right there.
Now a couple of errors. That should be his I think.
And that sentence is a fragment. It should be added to the previous one with a comma.
Just in time, Viper lifted his barbed tail and placed it at the neck of his attacker.
Comma there.
They both stayed like that when the dragon below Viper kicked his feet out from under him, sending Viper falling to the floor. Sending more mud flying.
Another fragment there.
But they both knew there were many more things that needed to be learned.
I think that should be because for the meaning that you want to convey there or else it sounds like the exact opposite of what you want to say.
Besides ever since Viper first came to the fort, Nukas as one of the first friends he made. And they had trained together ever since.
That part can be safely removed. With it there the sentence doesn't quite have a meaning.
The winds icy tendrils stinging his face as he plummeted. A whoop of joy escaped his jaws when he flung his wings outward catching the air, slowing his fall. Stretching out his legs he landed on the wet ground, the wet sand finding it’s way between his scales.
This whole description is amazing. Great imagery conjured up there.
The sounds like a rumble.
This part feels like it was said by some narrator. You have to rephrase it a little.
The cave was filled with the sound of weapons crashing into one another, the metal sending orange sparks into the air as it grinded against each other.
That isn't a great word to use there. It sounds like their rubbing the weapons against each other. It should be something like clashed.
One of the dragonets court his attention right away. Their eyes were closed as they flicked their ears in the direction the other dragonet was getting ready to attack. With one swift move of his leg, he kicked the other dragonets feet out from under him, sending him to the ground.
Nice bit of description there again.
"I don’t understand.” Viper said, frowning as he looked at the older dragon.
Wait a minute here. He is supposed to be Venom's apprentice. So why doesn't he know about the other apprentices and at least a bit about their background. This whole part feels like something he should know but is being recited for the benefit of the readers. But then maybe there's something I don't know so correct me if I'm wrong there.
Viper new very well what he was talking about, if there were no wars and fighting between the tribes there would be no need to train young dragonets.
So that's interesting. There are regular wars.
When he arrived in front of a large room that was light by burning torches, that cast their warm glow over the dark shadows that hung by the doors wanting to enter the room. Viper could see a dark shadow hanging over the table in the center of the room. Their tail flicking against the floor, a quiet tapping sound echoing on the cave walls.
That's a nice entrance there.
Venom just shook his head. “No there is nothing wrong. But I want to talk to you about the next step in your training.” The older dragon looked up from his work and looked at Viper.
“Training?” Viper asked, walking up to Venom, so he stood before the stone table Venom was standing behind.
Venom grinned, “Yes, It is time for you to take on an apprentice.”
This is a nice little bit of scare before its revealed to actually be something nice. Pretty well done there.
And that's it for this one.
Overall: Great first chapter. We get some knowledge on what's going on in the world. We learn a few more things about our protagonist and we meet a couple of new characters. So far this sounds like it would be a pretty interesting story.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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