A cold silence filled the room, as Venom’s dark gaze was fixed upon Viper. The fire's quite burning was the only thing that could be heard throughout the room as Viper looked back at Venom awaiting permission to proceed.
Eyes narrowing Venom stepped out from behind the stone table. He slowly walked up towards Viper, his tail slithering along the floor, his wings close to his sides.
The silence was intense as Viper stood there watching Venom’s every move. ‘What could he be thinking? Has something happened he didn’t know about?’ Viper thought worried his news would mean more than he thought.
Venom sighed deeply. “And what news do you bring Viper?” He asked as he sat down, his tail wrapping around his talons. His eyes like two dark pools looking into Viper’s soul.
Viper sucked in a breath, slowly he let it out again, all the stress leaving his body with it. “I went on patrol like I’m supposed to, but I encountered a problem.” Viper stopped, he looked next to him at Vesirrion who was giving him a sideways look.
“Go on.” Venom said, his voice was full of interest, his eyes never leaving Viper.
“Well as I was flying I saw a shadow in the rain, they had just crossed the border.” Viper hissed, hatred in his voice as he spoke, “So I wanted to take a closer look, because of the downpour I wouldn’t see what dragon they were, for all I knew they could have been one of our own. Once I was close enough I saw it was an Onyx Wyvern.” Viper spat the name out like it had a foul taste on his tong.
“An Onyx Wyvern?” Vesirrion hissed, “What would they be doing on our side of the border?” Vesirrion’s eyes narrowed.
Venom quickly stood up and walked over to the stone table. “That’s not even it. According to the map they aren’t even next to our kingdom. They are all the way down South.”
Vesirrion stepped up towards the map. “He's right, if we were to get anyone sneaking into our kingdom it would be the Ice Wyverns. But the weather here is way too hot for them.”
“There is always the Phantom Wyverns. They can live in any weather. But having an Onyx Wyvern coming into our kingdom is just unheard of.” Venom hissed out, his eyes narrowing and turning into slits. “I feared this day would come.” Venom sighed as he turned away from the map.
Viper looked at him questioningly. “What do you mean sir?”
Vesirrion turned to face Viper his face stern. “Throughout time the Onyx Wyverns have fought other tribes and drove them out of their kingdoms. That is why their land is rather large compared to most.” He stopped talking and let out a breath. “They have always been a greedy tribe, always wanting more.”
Viper nodded. “Do you think they could be looking for more land?” His body stiffened with the question. What if they were, are they strong enough to fight such a strong tribe?
Venom shook his head. “I don’t know. We have been keeping a close eye on their tribe for some time now. And the news we are getting isn’t so great. Vesirrion and I have discussed it, and we fear there might be a war on the horizon.”
Viper nodded. “What do you plan to do about it?” If there was a war on the way, they needed to be ready for it. From what he has read from the books, they aren’t a tribe to be taken lightly.
“Vesirrion and I will have to talk about it with the elders, until that, we don’t know what the best caws of action are.” Venom said gravely. He stood up and walk over to Viper. “I will do whatever it takes to keep our tribe safe. So for the meantime, the best thing you can do is train Ndutu and get him ready for war.”
Viper nodded. He knew what came with war, though he has never gone to war, he read many books on the past three. And they never ended well. Bowing his head slightly her turned and walked out of the room. He had to get Ndutu ready, if it came to war, the dragonets that are skilled will be forced to go.
When he was out of view he ran down the hall, his talons drumming against the stone, his heart thumping against his rib cage so hard he thought it would break. He quickly turned a right, going into the hall where the sleeping chambers were. He ran right to the end of the passage then turned left. Here he scanned the walls where he could see all the dragonets names had been carved in near the doors.
When his eyes landed on the name Ndutu he turned into the room, his eyes landed on the Golden Dragonet fast asleep, clearly worn out from the long flight. But in battle, you won’t get a chance to rest, with his talon he shook Ndutu awake.
Letting out a groan Ndutu opened one of his eyes to look up at Viper. Slowly he stood up, stretching his body as he did so. “What’s going on?” He asked, a scowl on his face.
“I am very sorry about this Ndutu, but something has come up, and we need to do some more training.” Viper whispered, not wanting to worry Ndutu.
Ndutu let out a groan and followed Viper out of the room. Viper turned lefts and rights until he was faced with a flight of stairs. Slowly he made his way up them. He could hear Ndutu following him, his talons making small clacking sounds.
When they reached the top, Viper stopped and looked out at the pouring rain, waiting for Ndutu to catch up. When Ndutu made it to the top of the stairs, his face fell when his eyes landed on the rain.
“Do we really have to train in the rain?” Ndutu asked, his eyes never leaving the water.
Viper just nodded, as he stepped out into the downpour. The cold raindrops cooling off his warm scales. “We will be training here today. In battle you will have to fight in many types of weather, it’s not going to be sunny just because you want it to be.”
With slight hesitation Ndutu stepped out into the rain, his face scrunching up when the wet sand made its way between his scales. “I know.” He mumbled.
Viper looked around him as the memories of him and Venom training here flooded into his head. The rock walls surrounding them made it good for training just in case someone slipped. The ground was mostly stone than sand now because over the years all the sand had blown away and thrown over the edge because of the training. But when a sandstorm came in the sand was always renewed.
“I want you to give me your best, don’t hold back.” Viper instructed. “Let out that killing instinct.”
Ndutu nodded his head, his eyes narrowing and turning into thin black slits. Digging his two back talons into the ground he jumped into the air, letting out a roar his dived down towards Viper, his talons outstretched and ready to grip and lock onto Viper.
Viper stood in the same place watching Ndutu’s every move. To his attack and to his speed. At the very last second, he rolled to the right, hitting Ndutu with his tail in the proses, knocking the dragonet to the ground.
Ndutu went flying and landed in one of the piles of sand. He rolled over and looked at Viper. He sighed as he tucked his wings close to his body.
Viper jumped to his feet and walked over to Ndutu. “We have some work to do” Sitting down Viper lay a wing over Ndutu. “Don’t just go rushing in like that. You don’t know anything about your opponent, you want to inspect them first, see if there is a weak spot. But you can use your speed to your advantage.”
Ndutu nodded his head and got to his feet, letting out a groan as he did. “Again!” He demanded, a new light in his eyes.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world)
And I think that's one third of the way done.
First Impression: That last bit was a little too fast paced. You need to slow that part down a titch. The first part was pretty good. Fairly smooth exposition. It was a little bit like a dump but it flowed well enough. A bit more ironing out of the flow would be appreciated but it isn't totally necessary.
Venom would be a great reality show host. Builds up the tension before asking the question really well.
So this is a great little bit of development here. The plot is definitely forming.
These books are being mentioned a little too much. Just show that he know it instead of repeating that he know A because he read B.
I feel sorry for this poor dragonet now. He has had an exhausting battle, a long flight in a rainstorm, exposed to be his first hands on battle even if it was only to watch, a long flight back and now he's been woken for training. I feel this moves too fast. Viper should've at least waited till the next morning.
Okay we are finally seen some development for Ndutu.
That's a bit too much detail. Here the exposition feels forced and breaks up the overall flow of the story. This is one place you don't want to exposit in.
And insert training montage. Anyway great little fight scene there to end. It's pretty good.
And that's it.
Overall: Besides the clunky exposition in some areas it was another good chapter. So far the plot is holding strong. The characters are okay. So so far this is a story I would definitely keep reading.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Glad yo hear that Harry! I know this story is very chunky, but it will be better when I rewrite!
Your Welcome!!
It definitely will be if your other story is anything to go by.
I have to agree, my writing as gotten a bit better in my other story.
Yeah definitely.
Seeing that always makes me feel good!
Glad to hear that!!
Before I start my review I must say. All I have read is this Chapter
From what I read I am drawn in. Even in a mid chapter, you have a hook that got my attention. The small details (ex the sand in the scales, the names on the wall) add to the imagination and paint a clear picture of your intended surroundings.
The tense you use put me off a bit just because that isnt my style, but it works. You have to be careful because I feel as if you jumped tenses a few times. You have a few minor spelling mistakes.
As far as my overall view, I see Venom becoming a villain or minor antagonist.
All and all I enjoy this so far and keep it up. Give your chapter a look over before posting. (That is my greatest issue. I finish and get excited and post right away)
Thank you for the review and the tips!
Great scene. I really enjoyed the exchange between Venom and Viper. Venom seems like a great leader. But I see the potential for him becoming an extremist and even a minor villain. Or the main villain. Right now, I can only guess what you have in store for these characters. And for now I think you want your readers to like Venom, at least a little, Viper, a lot, and Ndutu, a ton!
I wonder if the Onx dragons are as bad as they seem. Perhaps they are on the whole, but the individuals aren't? I'm excited to read on and see what you have planned next. Cheerio mate!
-Shield
Thank you so much for the review, each time I read them I just get a huge smile on my face!
Visserion -_- hmmm.. I wonder where that comes from.. I wonder where you GOT that from..
Anyways, to the review.
I think the structure is fine, there is a coherent story, a plot that moves forwards and, even though it’s a generic type, “oh invaders are cominggg!” type, it’s still fun to read. But but but, there’s just something that ticks me off about those characters. I mean, clearly; Ndutu is the weak dragon that becomes stronger with training and determination (or at least he will) and the people at the head of Viper’s clan (the SandWyverns, right?) have the doubtful, the cold and the supportive guy. I mean, sure; there’s nothing wrong about that. But sometimes readers need characters you can relate to. Here’s the person I related to the most in your story- that OnyxWyvern you mentioned once. Invaders are so cool for me. No seriously. Okay, assuming you read WingsOfFire, remember the mother of Peril? Or even DarkStalker, really. They are not main characters, but as a fact; I like DarkStalker more than I do with either of the dragonnets. That’s because he’s not like Gloria, which is the least relatable character; because everything is given to her. She has a powerful poison. Oh she can fight very well. And she also destroys a queen’s face and proceeds into becoming queen. And she also defeats the strongest clan with a clan of sloths and untrained fighters. Mhm. Completely relatable. But you see, that book gives personalities to each character. Venom is not just there because your Viper needs a firm and cold leader, no one can feel anything for Venom- because he is no one. He leads the clan, and that’s all he does. No backstory, no goal, no debt no nothing. Just a plain, crystal clear character. Maybe make a character that isn’t so lucky, and who stays that way- not the type of Ndutu (impossible name to write..) who will probably become Viper 2. Like Moon in the series. She doesn’t rise as far as Gloria, but even with awesome powers she stays with her friends. (I haven’t gone past the seventh book tho, so maybe she HAS become Gloria) so here is what I’m asking for: relatable characters.
Since Viper is very good at fighting, the best on the world really “- there are no stakes when he fights. Make him lose some of his own pride, maybe that’ll make him relatable.
Ahh the name Vesirrion a friend listed a whole lot of names for me and that was one of them. So maybe it has come form somewhere, but I don't know where.
Any way this review it helpful, and I understand what you mean, and I don't want Viper to be perfect he will make mistakes later. I'll try harder with making Venom a little more relatable.
Thanks for the review.
It%u2019s from game of thrones. Viserion is the name of one of the main characters dragons. That%u2019s why I said GOT. (For Game Of Thrones.)
Phew the way you ended your comment is almost as though you%u2019re kinda mad at me, I just thought they were things I should point out; I%u2019m not saying you%u2019re writing is terrible xd
Oh okay I now understand! XD I'm not mad at you don't worry!
And now for this chapter's review.
Why such cold silence? He still hasn't delivered the news. Not saying it is bad though, it is written very well and the description of the environment fits is perfectly.
Yes. This is the plot motivation I was waiting for. Of course I hope there will be, in the future, a further motivation to the Onyx Wyverns' actions.
I feel like this is a wasted opportunity...if he has read about war, certainly his mind is starting worrying heavily. Some inner thoughts would have been really great
The "But in battle, you won't get a chance to rest," feels alien comparing to the rest, likely because of the comma and the use of "you". I would write:
'But in battle, he won't get a chance to rest', he thought while gently shaking Ndutu with his talon.
Isn't it better to give him full rest though, since the situation is still unclear? There is still nothing so urgent
That's all for now. My impression is that things sound to start getting rushed considering we don't still have a full understanding of the situation. But the descriptions are well done and very figurative.
See you next chapter!
Thank you again for the review, I will think over all you have said and try and fix it when I edit.
I will be posting the next chapter soon.
Hello there! I'm here for the review again.
You did a great job on this! I love how every character here has a distinguished voice. I especially liked Ndutu's reaction when Viper woke him up from sleep. Like, at the previous chapter, we saw him acting in a formal and respectful manner towards his teacher. But he scowls at Viper when he woke him up - so relatable. Getting not enough sleep sure makes us grumpy, haha.
I can see Ndutu's character already developing, and he has a strong determination within him, which I find admirable. I can't wait to see how Viper and Ndutu are gonna fight together in a battle! It's getting really interesting. I'm curious to know what kind of people the ‘Elders’ are.
Honestly, I didn't see any error in it except maybe a couple of typos. But I must admit, I'm in LOVE with your descriptive style, like I've mentioned earlier in the previous review.
Please post soon! I can feel an epic battle coming. Can you please tag me in the next post?
Keep writing!!
Thank you so much for the review, it was very motivating. I'm glad you like Ndutu! His really funny sometimes! I'll keep tagging you.
Hallu!!At your service AGAIN.Like always you have out did yourself.Smoothness is there,stillness is there,calmness is there,humour is there OH WAIT!!humour is not here.Yes i think you need to add a tad bit of humour in this novel.The age group you r targeting for this novel is a bunch of teens with wild hormones(but maybe only my hormones are wild u never know)So these teens need to laugh,they like to laugh,they have to laugh.Now u might be thinking rolling your eyes what the heck is this crazy gal saying Helllooo this is a drago story.But even dragoo stories should have their fair share of sass.Now how r you going to do that??Well i have no idea thats kinda your prob but maybe we need a sassy,pretty drago chick hmmmm.
I liked how you dropped all the names of different dragon types and the fact they have a kingdom but maybe you could have adjusted the name of the kingdom there too and also what type of dragon our hero Viper is.
Now its time for some insignificant mistakes:
How bout only looked at VenomI mean he wasnt behind him Was he??
Thats fine too but what boutWith narrowed eyes
He had
Walked
And thats that sista
Keep Up the Excellent Work
peace out
Thank you so much for the review! It was very sweet, and thank you for pointing out the mistakes. I will fix them soon.
I'll try and add some more funny moments, and I will try and tel you what type of Dragon Viper is, I forgot to do that! XD