Published July 4, 2019
Viper’s eyes widened. An apprentice! So soon. He wasn’t ready for something like this. Why can’t one of the older and more experienced dragons do it?
“Forgive me, sir. But I believe I’m not ready for something like this. It takes a great talent to teach a dragonet.” Viper uttered, his wings shaking at his sides.
Venom nodded. “Yes, that may be true. But answer something for me Viper. How do you become a great teacher?” He looked over at Viper questioningly.
‘He's right, you have to become a teacher to become a good one. I guess I should take this job before it’s too late.’ Viper thought, all worry he had before now gone.
Sucking in a breath Viper nodded. “I’ll take on an apprentice.”
Venom just grinned. “Marvelous.” He looked down at the table again, looking over a few things written down one of the papers. “I think I have the perfect dragonet for you.”
‘All ready? I thought I would have some time to think about what I would teach them! Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.’ Viper thought, his worries getting the best of him.
“Umm, sir I need time to think over some of the things I’m going to teach them. I can’t do it off the top of my head!” Viper hissed, his worry coming back.
Venom scoffed. “Viper you will never know what to teach them until you find out their strengths, and weaknesses. Then you know what to focus on.” He pointed out, walking out from behind the table. “Besides I have a perfect dragonet for you.”
Viper looked at his chief questioningly. ‘He's already picked a dragonet for me to train. Don’t I, as the teacher pick?’
Viper followed Venom out of the room into the cold halls. Viper knew where they were going, he just wasn’t sure if he is ready for something like this. He only just completed his training, how could he be ready for something like this?
“The dragonet you are meant to train in there.” Venom said jolting Viper out of his thoughts.
Viper slowly stepped into the training room. The dragonets from before still fighting, but Viper could see their moves were getting sloppy, probably from exhaustion.
“I’ll go get him for you.” Venom told Viper before he walked into the crowd of dragonets, slithering between them.
Viper sucked in a nerves breath, he could do this. If Venom believed he could, then why should he doubt himself?
Viper didn’t have to wait long before he saw Venom walking up to him. His face was still grim like it had been ever since Viper had come to the fort. His coal eyes moved to the dragonet walking a little bit behind Venom. He had a lean golden body that would give him the ability of speed on the battlefield.
“Viper this is Ndutu. He's been at the fort for about a year now.” Venom pronounced. “I believe he will be the right dragonet for you.”
Looking the dragonet over again, Viper could see the small mussels that were on the dragonets body. A few more good years of training and he will be strong enough to go to battle. Viper’s eyes drifted up to look at Venom again, who met his gaze and gave him a small nod.
“Ndutu, this is Viper, he will be your teacher from now on.” With that said Venom turned around and headed out the door into the fire lit halls.
“It’s a pleaser to meet you, sir.” Ndutu greeted, spreading his wings and giving him a small bow.
Not knowing what to do Viper just nodded his head. This dragonet was at the top of his class, how could Venom give him the job of teaching such a skilled dragonet? “Follow me.” Viper said turning around and heading for the exit. He had to keep calm around his new apprentice, otherwise, how would Ndutu act if he knew he didn’t know anything about teaching. Viper could feel Ndutu walking behind him. His small talons not making a sound against the stone floor.
“Are you going to teach me anything today sir?” Ndutu asked, his voice quiet and calm
“No, not today maybe tomorrow. I have patrol to do.” Viper told Ndutu turning his head around to face the dragonet. “You can come along if you want, it would be good training for you.”
Ndutu looked at him his eyes bright with excitement. “I would be honored, sir.”
Viper smiled. “Wonderful.” Maybe there was hope he could teach this dragonet something after all. But what if Ndutu isn’t allowed out the fort for a few more years, would he be putting him in danger? Well, he is now the one looking after him, so he could take him on patrol with him if he wanted to.
Flicking his tail Viper began to walk down the large hall. He could feel Ndutu walking just behind him, making sure to keep his distance.
When Viper and Ndutu reached the exit to the caves they both stopped. Viper looked out into the rain, the down poor now harder than it was before. It was going to be hard for Ndutu to fly through.
Viper looked down at the dragonet his dark eyes catching a look of determination in the dragonets eyes. Viper shook his head and smiled. He shouldn’t baby Ndutu like he was a hatchling, his old enough to start doing things that were hard.
“It’s a rather rough storm out there, so if you don’t want to come that is fine, or if you do want to still come along and things get too hard then you tell me and we can head back.” Viper told Ndutu worried the pouring rain would be too much.
Nodding his head Ndutu spread his wings and flew out the exit turning into a small dot in the rain. Shaking his head Viper spread his wing to their full extent and jumped into the air and flew out the exit following Ndutu. He could feel the small droplets falling onto his scales, the water sliding down his back to the ground below.
It didn’t take Viper very long to catch up with Ndutu. Once they were flying side by side he slowed his wing beats to keep at the dragonets speed.
“How long will it take us the reach the border?” Ndutu asked, yelling over the sound of the rain.
Looking over at the dragonet Viper said. “It will only be a half hour flight.” Looking up at the churning clouds above, he sighed. “But with this weather, it will probably be a little less than an hour.” Viper looked over at Ndutu worried the dragonet won’t make it.
The sound of rain drummed against Vipers ears as he flew without uttering another word to Ndutu. ‘What had happened to the dragonet to make him so quiet and reserved? It was like he had no emotion, no that wasn’t right he got all excited when I asked him to join me, it was like he kept it under lock and key. You only see that in dragons that are at the warrior level.’
Viper looked over at Ndutu who was now flying ahead of him just by a wings length. Beating his wings a little faster so he was once again next to the quiet dragonet. Viper looked at Ndutu and a thought came to him.
“Why don’t you tell me about your brother? I hear his quiet skilled.” Viper asked, hoping to strike up some conversation.
Ndutu just smiled his eyes having a small spark to them. “Yes, he is the best. Though that’s what I have heard, I hadn’t hatched yet, so I never met him.”
Viper looked away, he knew what that must feel like, he could have had siblings, but he would never get to meet them. But there was no point in getting upset about that.
Ndutu sighed next to him. “I don’t even know his name, no one has ever told me. Do you know who he is?” he asked his eyes getting a hopeful glint in them.
“I’m afraid not.” Viper said shaking his head sadly. “I’ve only just come out of training.”
“And you’re already a teacher?” Ndutu asked, frowning at the ground below them.
Viper just nodded. His eyes scanned the murky ground below. They were getting close to the border. “Keep a lookout, the border is just up ahead.” Viper instructed as he began to float down to the ground. When he was about to land he spread his wings out so he could hover in the air, his dark shadow gliding over the murky pools of water.
Viper flicked his tail at Ndutu to signal him to keep quiet. Viper’s dark eyes scanned the landscape ahead of him, the rain still pored, distorting his vision. Slowly he landed on the wet ground, the sand like ants getting between his scales.
There was a quit splash behind him, as Ndutu landed. They both crept through the rain, as quiet as mice. When Viper saw a dark shadow in the rain ahead of them.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world)
And that's one fifth of the way done.
First Impression: Well moving along I see. Going in a pretty good direction so far. And more worldbuilding being done as well.
Anyway getting right to it,
Why would it be too late?
Here this emotion moves much too fast. He says he's worried, then the worry vanished and it comes back all in like three paragraphs. That's a bit too sudden.
That should be were still fighting. Also if they are exhausted how does Ndutu have the power to fly in that huge rainstorm? Viper has to be really irresponsible to take out not just a dragonet but an exhausted dragonet coming from a demanding fight. You might want to think on that.
Okay second time I saw this in your writing. Even Thunder had mussels when they both should have muscles.
That word has to be added.
Well that's a very interesting development right there.
That should be he's
If he knew this already then why did he ask Ndutu about it?
Lovely cliffhanger there to end. Small problem, that should be either that's when or then.
Overall: I like this premise so far. We're not seeing much of any sort of conflict but we're building a nice little world and a plot is slowly forming. The characters are coming through fairly well although Ndutu is a tad underdeveloped. Overall it is working out okay especially the dialogue between Venom and Viper was pretty well done.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thank you again for the review! Lots of things to keep in mind!
One thing I think I didn't bring across in chapter one, is that Viper is a lot older now, there was been a few years between the prologue and chapter 1. Its not your fault, I should have mentioned the time skip.
Right, probably should have realized that with that being a prologue and all.
Thats okay, I should have made it more clear.
What's that? On the Horisun? It's a... It's a... Review incoming!
So, let me start off by saying that this was a really nice chapter, Ndutu is adorable already, and I love adorable characters, and get really sad when they die, looking at you, J.K Rowling! And you too, Tui Sutherland! Why do you guys have to shatter my heart into twenty billion tiny pieces the size of a finger nail?
Sorry, what was I saying?
Oh yeah, Venom seems like an interesting character, I hope to see more of him. I am very curious about his motivations to assign Viper a student so soon. We'll just have to see.
There were a few things that I'd noticed well reading this. Just a few nitpicks.
““Viper you will never know what to teach them until you find out their strengths,”” Comma after Viper.
“Don’t I, as the teacher pick?’” Comma after teacher.
“he just wasn’t sure if he is ready for something like this. He only just completed his training, how could he be ready for something like this?” You said "something like this" twice. It feels a bit repetitive. Might want to play with the wording a bit.
“Viper could see the small mussels that were on the dragonets body.” "Mussle" Should be "Muscle"
“no that wasn’t right he got all excited when I asked him to join me,” Comma after right.
Other than that, I really liked this chapter, and look forward to reading the next one! Have a good day!
Thanks for the review! I'll go ahead and fix the mistakes when I get the chance.
No Problem!
What's that? On the Horisun? It's a... It's a... Review incoming!
So, let me start off by saying that this was a really nice chapter, Ndutu is adorable already, and I love adorable characters, and get really sad when they die, looking at you, J.K Rowling! And you too, Tui Sutherland! Why do you guys have to shatter my heart into twenty billion tiny pieces the size of a finger nail?
Sorry, what was I saying?
Oh yeah, Venom seems like an interesting character, I hope to see more of him. I am very curious about his motivations to assign Viper a student so soon. We'll just have to see.
There were a few things that I'd noticed well reading this. Just a few nitpicks.
““Viper you will never know what to teach them until you find out their strengths,”” Comma after Viper.
“Don’t I, as the teacher pick?’” Comma after teacher.
“he just wasn’t sure if he is ready for something like this. He only just completed his training, how could he be ready for something like this?” You said "something like this" twice. It feels a bit repetitive. Might want to play with the wording a bit.
“Viper could see the small mussels that were on the dragonets body.” "Mussle" Should be "Muscle"
“no that wasn’t right he got all excited when I asked him to join me,” Comma after right.
Other than that, I really liked this chapter, and look forward to reading the next one! Have a good day!
So, Ndutu is his apprentice. He seems very nice and respectful. However, I couldn't help but smile when Viper slipped up and mentioned that he just got out of training. That could have ended badly. But Ndutu seemed only to have deeper admiration for his new teacher. Another question I have though - do these dragons have a weakness against rain. I understand flying through a storm is quite rough and tiring. But it seems as if your hunting that these sand dragons thrive in heat and that water dampens their strength. Don't worry about it if this is not the case. There was nothing obvious in what u wrote. I'm just trying to read between the lines to get a better understanding of this world u are creating.
Keep writing!
-Sheildmaiden
That's a very good point to be honest I never thought of them not being used to flying in the rain, I'll try and make things like that more clear later on, because what you have said here does make sens.
Oh and again thank you for the review it helps a lot!
First, sorry for the late review! It's hard to manage all the websites I'm in and my real life.
Now for the third chapter review! Let's begin.
A little too obvious to be a memorable quote...
I would maybe have put some more doubts on himself here...after all, he was clearly nervous and I bet he still is. Like emphasizing that he is trying to tell himself he can do it but is not convinced of himself still
Yes, this is what I like to read, inner thoughts
Some grammar problems here: a comma is missing ("looked down at the dragonet, his dark eyes catching...") and "he was" old enough instead of "his" old enough
The grammar construction feels strange here starting from "if you do want to still come"...but it could also be that right now I'm in my grandma's house and my mother and aunt started arguing while I was reading
There's one unnecessary "and" ("...to their full extent, jumped into the air and flew out...")
Decent one, I'm not fan of "he could feel" because it's excessively used universally by all amateur writers
This instead is an excellent description of sensations. Good job!
At first I had thought it was a normal description and not a conversation...doesn't sound natural
"I hear he's quite skilled"
That's what I found. The rhythm generally still feels a little slow, I can't say more because I'm in a hurry...I promise a more detailed review next time. See ya!
Thanks for the review, I'm busy going through my chapters at the moment and fixing all the things you are pointing out, again thank you for the review, I look forward to the next one!
Hiya!!Am here for a review again.So this chapter was also very good.I really enjoyed the smoothness Of the story.And yeahh i was right Ndutu is his student.This sparked up my interest real good.Now i am really excited to know more about Ndutu and warrior dragons.This chap had reallly less mistakes.E.g
A typo here its downpour
And like the previous chap few mistakes like these but these mistakes are not problamatic.The problem when the story plot and characters are distorted or the there are certain plot holes but this novel is in good hands so it is safe from these misfortunes.*wink*
Hope to see the next chap soon.Keep it up
Peace Out
Thank you so much! I just love your reviews they make me so happy when I read them.
Also if there is ever a plot hole I would love it if you can tell me, because there is bound to be one in the future.
Again thank you so much for the review! It came so quickly too! O.O
It was a pleasure.I am really glad to help.
Lol!I know I AM SPEED
Awesome!