Viper felt his heart stop in his chest as Venom called out his name to the crowd. He was going to be one of the dragons to go on the mission! But why not send a much more qualified warrior instead of a plain soldier that only just came out of training?
He felt Nuddia tense up next to him, her mouth agape and her eyes were wide. “M- me?” She asked herself her voice only just loud enough for him to hear her.
“I believe they will be the right dragons for the job.” Venom looked over at the two stunned dragons. “The elders have agreed, and they believe it would be the best choice. They will be leaving tomorrow.”
“But they only just came out of training!” One of the older dragons in the crowd snarled. “Wouldn’t it be better to send one of your warriors instead?”
Venoms eyes swooped over to the dragon that had spoken. “Do you doubt the elder’s decision?”
The older dragon on Venoms right placed a wing on Venoms back. “It's fine brother. We need more Sand Wyverns like him. Allow him to speak his mind.”
Venom sighed. “If you insist Senzue.” He let out a low snarl and stepped back. Allowing his brother to speak.
Nodding gratefully at Venom Senzue looked over to the dragon that had just spoken. “I understand they are young and inexperienced in your eyes, but they trained with Venom for many years, learning all they can form him, I’ve never seen such potential in two dragons before. Being that they are young they will have the energy to do what needs to be done. I believe in them, I think it’s only fair you do too.” He hissed out the last part, his teeth as white as newly fallen snow.
Shrinking back into the crowd the dragon that had spoken before didn’t say a word.
“Hey Viper.” A dragon whispered in Viper's ear.
Jumping Viper looked in the detraction the sound came from. He was then met with another’s familiar dark pools. “Nukas!” He hissed quietly.
“Hehe, sorry.” Nukas apologized, he then let out a sigh. “You and Nuddia doing on a mission together, and one of the top-ranked missions.” He looked over at Viper. “How do you feel about it? I mean knowing you you’ve probably thought about all the outcomes.”
Viper rolled his eyes. “Not really, I will say it’s a little scary, it’s not something I thought I would be doing so soon that is. But I…” He let out a large breath. “But I believe Nuddia and I can get the mission done, no matter how hard it is.”
Placing a wing on Viper’s back Nukas gave him a large grin. “I’m sure you will.”
“I will go over the mission with Viper and Nuddia, to make sure they know what they are doing. And while they are gone we will get ready for the possible outcomes! Dismissed!” Venom hissed his tail like a cats flicking to and fro.
Viper watched all the dragons file out the room. He watched as Nukas followed, his friend glanced over his shoulder and gave Viper a wink, before turning into a dark shadow down the hall.
Once everyone was out the room Viper looked to the five dragons still standing on the platform, their shadows casting over the room.
“Come over to the map you two,” Senzue ordered, his eyes fixed on them.
Casting a nerves look at Nuddia they both slowly walked over to the table the map was on. Viper looked over the map of Lavvania, all the kingdoms were they are supposed to be. Looking up he asked. “So what’s our mission?”
Venom stepped up next to Senzue his face as hard as stone. “You will be infiltrating the Onyx Wyvern fort.”
“What?” Nuddia yelled. “Are you series?” Her eyes went wide with worry.
Viper gasped. That’s a mission for a dragon that knows all the tricks. Venom shouldn’t be sending them on a mission like this. Even if he believed they could do it.
“Forgive me sir, but you really should send someone else on this mission, we aren’t ready to infiltrate the Onyx Wyvern fort.” Nuddia hissed, fear in her voice.
A dragoness that was standing behind Venom walked over to Viper and Nuddia. “We understand, but we need you to do this mission, only you two can do it.” She looked over at Nuddia. “And you know it.” She said the last words to Nuddia as if telling her something in code. She dipped her head a little and walked back onto the platform.
Letting out a sigh Nuddia nodded. “I understand.”
“Good.” Venom growled, he lifted a talon and pointed to the map. “Now listen closely, this is what you will need to do. You will leave before sunrise tomorrow-”
“Before sunrise?” Viper’s eyes went wide with worry, “But the Doomtors aren’t even in their caves by then.”
Venom looked over at Viper, a scowl on his face. “Let me finish Viper.” Letting out a sigh he continues. “You two will have to travel done south towards Whispering Forest, then you will have to make your way through Twisted Cave, some were in the caves is a small forest, there you will be able to stock up on energy.” Venom paused for a moment the eye to two then looked back to the map. “Once you make it through the caves they will open up onto Grass Plains, after that you will be in Onyx Valley. From there it is up to you to take the next move.”
SenZue nodded his head. “There are going to be many dangers on this mission. When you two get to Twisted Caves you must be careful, those used to be the old homes to a panther-like animal we call HighDrose. They are ruthless creatures, it is said they were killed off in the last war but we don’t know if it is true.”
Viper and Nuddia nodded their heads, paying close attention to the thing they were being told. This was a life-changing mission, nothing must go wrong, and many lives depend on it.
“Do you understand your ordure’s?” The dragoness from before asked, her voice raspy with age.
Both Nuddia and Viper nodded. “We understand.” They both said. The rush of adrenalin rushing through their veins.
“You two are now dismissed,” Senzue said his voice soft and warm. His eyes held the worry of a father watching his dragonet be sent to war.
Viper turned around and walked towards the exit to the cave he was in, he could feel Nuddia behind him. They both didn’t say a word as they walked through the halls. A sick feeling filled Viper as he thought over what he needed to do. Will he be able to do this mission?
“Viper! “Viper!” A shrill voice yelled through the halls.
Viper looked up to see Ndutu rushing towards him. The dragonet almost fell over his tail a few times just to reach him as quickly as he could. Viper let loose a small chuckle.
“Viper can we train now?” Ndutu asked when he reached Viper, his eyes shining.
Looking over at Nuddia Viper’s eyes pleaded for help.
She just shook her head and said quietly. “You should train with him, teach him a few things before you leave.” She looked down at Ndutu and gave him a small smile. “I’ll see you guys later.” She turned away from the two and turned down another hall.
“Yeah let’s do some training.” Viper sighed, he knew Nuddia was right, he was going to be gone for maybe a whole moon.
…
Ndutu looked at Viper with intense eyes, not letting his guard down when Viper began to walk around him, his steps light and quiet.
Lifting a talon Viper made a swipe for Ndutu’s legs.
Thinking fast Ndutu jumped into the air, fanning out his wing and flew away from Viper.
Opening his own wings Viper flew after Ndutu. Sucking in a deep breath he shot a stream of fire at the dragonet who dived to the right just missing the fires hot grip. Looking between his legs Ndutu shot his fire at Viper.
Beating his wings Viper shot upward and hovered above Ndutu. “Don’t be so tense.” He instructed as he eyed Ndutu’s muscles. “You won’t be able to react fast enough then.”
Ndutu nodded in understanding, then dived away from Viper, his body like a diving bird, his wings fanned out as he made his way to land.
Viper lunged after him, tucking his wings in at his sides, the warm afternoon wind zipping past his face and to the tip of his tail, at the very last second he fanned his wings out around him catching the wind in time to swoop up just before touching the ground. Tucking in his right-wing he spun around in the direction Ndutu had flown in.
Fanning his wing out again Viper flew after Ndutu. It didn’t take him long to be side by side with the dragonet.
With a hasty escape, Ndutu turned to the right, diving away from Viper. But he was suddenly jerked back next to the older dragon. With a startled look he glanced down at his tail that had a talon wrapped around it.
“You should be more aware of what is going on when you are in a battle.” Viper instructed, curling his tail inward underneath him.
…
Hours passed and Viper finally glided down to the sandy ground, the soft dry sand made its way between his talons as he landed. Ndutu was right behind him, his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath, his eyes became droopy as he flopped onto the floor.
“Th…at… was…to…to…much!” He said in-between pants, his tong lolling out his mouth.
Viper let out a small laugh, “Pushing yourself is the only way you’re going to learn, it’s also the best way.” Viper said his goodbyes to Ndutu and walked back into the cave, his head suddenly being filled with the worries of the mission ahead.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Moving past the halfway point. I might take a small break soon.
First Impression: This is a nice bit of slow paced preparation here. Good moment to allow the readers to process all of what's happened and then focus on what promises to be a pretty epic quest to come.
Nice touch there to see that the people do question that decision instead of accepting the chief's word as the law. Also good to see the elders are not forcing people to agree but are taking the time to explain themselves. So far that seems like a great system.
Okay this part is not very good. It sounds like Nukas is a reporter and he came over to ask questions about Viper. Its very sudden and it intrudes on the flow of what's going on at that moment. So this part should be removed and mentioned sometime later or you should try to portray this through Viper's thoughts in the coming chapters.
I think you mean serious.
If she's give in that quickly it feels pointless to have her say no in the first place. You need to either prolong her refusal or just cut it out altogether.
Nice little plan to lay out there. Gives us a sense of what's up ahead so it does a pretty good job there.
That should be orders.
This is not phrased properly here. Its a bit of a fragment.
This is another really well written training sequence but, it feels a little like it breaks the flow here. Here should be more on the planning for the actual mission. This feels like a bit too much of a detour to have the training mentioned in such detail.
And not a bad piece of advice there to end things.
And that is it for this chapter.
Overall: This chapter seems to be mostly planning followed by a training scene that felt a bit like a filler to extend the word count. But it was still really well written and the plot itself is going fine so far. And the characters though are a bit too underdeveloped. We need to have learned a bit more on Nuddia by now. Viper and Ndutar however, are developing quite well and the relationship between the two is also progressing well.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
thanks for the review.
I told you this story isn't so good. XD Its really bad now I look back on it.
Your Welcome!!
Honestly its not that bad. It just has to be ironed out a bit.
A lot! XD though this isn't even the worst.
Well not that much. Ha you should read my worse ones.
Ok I'm back. Regarding the plot, this chapter sounds more like a preparation for the next parts rather than a real chapter. I like the relation between Viper and his trainee, but I would love to read maybe more about his preparation for the actual mission, like getting ready, his thoughts, things like that. They would fit nicely here.
Now, I understand they have to do it, but at least an older dragon could accompany them. Would make sense.
For the rest, some typos and repetitions here and there, I will list them here:
Looked at
Repetition of "map" twice
"Are you serious?"
I would specify the reason for why only they can do it - we know it's because they were there, but these dragons here seem to constantly hide the details while speaking
Repetition of "Viper" three times too closely
Repetition of "cave/caves" as well
Hope I don't sound too harsh though! I don't have the same ability to critique literary work in deepness like others so I mostly give a help with the grammar style.
Next chapter now!
Thank you so much for the review, please keep reviewing like you are it helps me a lot!
Oh and with the elders seeming to be keeping things hidden and stuff, why it is like that will be reviled later, I can't tell you but I have a feeling it will blow you away! XD
Wait - do I detect a hint of shipping from Nukas? (shakes her head) I'm only dreaming it (she tells herself and waits for further evidence).
What was that exchange between Nuddia and the older dragoness? I'm dying to know the secret! What's going on? Does Nuddia possess a secret power? Or just a secret? What is it? Sorry, sorry. No need to answer any of these. I'm just excited and now you have to post the next chapter soon, soon, soon.
Poor Ndutu. Gets a great teacher and loses him a day later. Perhaps forever considering how risky this mission is in the first place. However, if you killed off Viper, I'm sure the story will be over before it has even begun. And we can't have that!!! Unless this story takes a twist and is actually about Nuddia, I think the main character lives for a while longer. I only hope you are not devious like some of my friends (cough's *Honora) who plan terrible ends for their characters.
Looking forward to the next chapter! Keep writing!
-Shield
This review sure had me laughing!! XD You will find out more of Nuddia in the chapters soon to come, and that is as far as I'm going other wise I'm going to tell you the entire PLOT and I really don't want that, even though I'm dying too!
Anyway I'm sorry I had to send Viper on the mission other wise it will get a little boring. Though I don't plan on killing him off...or do I, just kidding, I'm not killing him!! That would be to mean!
Oh!! Viper dont be scared i will accompany you through the whole. I promise, Cross my heart and hope to die. And despite its a very proud moment for Viper and Nuddia but i still due to my over suspicious nature thought theres gotta be a catch to this. Venom and Senzue's body language was clearly giving good vibes but still.
3 hers!!! In last phrase how bout just for Viper to hear
I don't mostly care about punctuation but a comma after Venom
Heavy breath
Thats confusing!!
What type of dragon are u?ehh! Homo Wyvern
No i am serious. But seriously elder dudes r u fricking serious!!
Wuutt!! Nuddia has got a special power*faints*
As if Raptors weren't cuddly enough
I don't know why this reminded me sooooo much of "Dora the Explorer" when the map tells the way. I haven't seen that show in ages. But i am not sure if thats a good thing or a bad one the para giving dora vibes that is.
Anything thats high is dangerous dude.
This dude is the complete opposite of his bro. But i still like Venom u can depend on him i a way.
I melted into a goey mess after reading this. Nudutu is sa damn adorable. I am experiencing gigli bcz of him(its the urge to eat it when sth is tooo cute for your mind to absorb)
And with wings fanning out he....
I feel like you used the term fanning a lot after the above lines. It got monotonous and begin to feel Haa..*whispers* boring. Maybe replace the fanning of wings or don't use it at all. We know they are flying in the air. And thats for today.
Keep Up the Excellent Work
peace out
Thanks for the review!!! It's go read over this chapter and edit it up a little more!