The storm was only getting thicker above the two training dragons, the sound of rumbling thunder echoed through the dark sky. Flashes of lightning sliced through the clouds like newly sharpened knives.
Ndutu stood a few dragon wings away from Viper, his eyes scanning him. His tail twitched as he stood there, waiting. He dug his claws deep into the sand, his eyes fixed on Viper.
Viper’s eyes narrowed, just because Ndutu was a dragonet doesn’t mean he should go easy on him, in battle if you are the weaker one, then so sorry for you. That is why he's going to make it his job to make him as strong as he could in as little time as possible.
Viper’s wings shot open, casting a long shadow along the ground. With one beat of his wings he shot into the air, his speed so great.
Ndutu watched him as he flew above him. His wings casing a dark moving shadow over the ground. Spreading his wings Ndutu shot up towards Viper.
Viper tucked his wings in at his sides, allowing him to turn and dive way from Ndutu. He shot right past the dragonet, flipping onto his back he shot a stream of fire at Ndutu. It just missed the dragonet who tucked his wings in and dived away from the fire.
Viper nodded in approval. ‘Good he’s learning some of my simple attacks’ Viper thought before flipping again to face the ground, he shot his wings out from his sides allowing him to shoot up again. His eyes never left Ndutu who was hovering in the air his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath.
Without warning Ndutu shot forward towards Viper his wings close to his sides, his speed as fast as an arrow flying through the air. His black eyes narrowed his front talons shot out in front of him, his claws ready to grab hold of Viper.
Only able to react fast enough Viper locked his claws with Ndutu’s, the dragonets eyes filled with a new light, it looked like excitement. Viper grinned at him before flipping the two of them, both of them began to fall to the floor Ndutu below Viper. The dragonet thrashed under Viper trying to get loose of his death grip. Not being able to get loose fast enough they both fell to the floor, at the last second Viper fanned his wings out allowing him to glide to the ground with Ndutu still in his talons.
He placed the dragonet gently onto the ground then landed next to him. “You impressed me Ndutu! I didn’t think you would do this well.”
Ndutu jumped up and smiled. “I plan to be the next chief of the Sand Wyverns, I have to train hard if I want to accomplish that goal!” He announced, his face taking on a determined look.
Viper laughed. “Well at the rate you’re going I’m sure you will be a fine chief one day. But…” his face turned stern as he looked down at Ndutu. “But it will take you years to even reach the level I’m at, even at the rate you’re going.”
“Why?” Ndutu asked, shaking his head to be rid of the raindrops.
Sighing Viper began to walk towards the staircase that goes back into the caves. “Well it’s not just skills you need to know, you have to be smart enough to make the right decisions, and that’s a big responsibility, one that not many dragons get a chance at.” He looked down at Ndutu again. “But if you put your mind towards your goal I’m sure you will become the next chief.”
Viper quickly leaned down and touched his nose with Ndutu’s, then ran down the flight of stairs back into the caves and away from the thunderstorm. Maybe there was a chance he could train Ndutu the right way. He made his way down the steps with Ndutu following behind him. The two parted ways as they went to their separate parts of the mountain.
“Viper!” A voice called from behind him. The sound of talons against the stone floor drummed through the halls.
Turning to face the dragoness who was running towards him, he nodded his head in greeting. “Nuddia?” He asked worry flashing across his face. Had something happened on her patrol? “Has something happened?”
Nuddia let out a giggle of laughter. “No, everything went well. No sign of trouble.” She glared at him and poked him with her talon. “You know I am a fully trained solder just like you, you don’t always have to worry about me.” She said playfully.
Viper snorted and looked down the hall his eyes fixed on nothing but empty space.
Frowning Nuddia asked. “Viper? Has something happened?” A look of concern could be seen in her vibrant brown eyes.
Sucking in a deep breath Viper explained everything, about what he saw on patrol, and it being an Onyx Wyvern. Then the way Venom reacted to the news. Also, him having to train Ndutu.
Nuddia’s eyes widened as Viper explained everything. “There was an Onyx Wyvern in our kingdom?”
Viper nodded. “Yeah, but it looked like he had just crossed the border, and their clearly up to something, otherwise why else would he be this for up North?”
Nuddia nodded, “Yeah. Are you going to see if the chief has come to a decision?” She asked looking up at him, her eyes scanning his face.
“No.” Viper said plainly before he kept walking. “I don’t think he would have come to a decision yet, he said he had to talk to the elders about it.” He gritted his teeth, his eyes narrowing at the floor.
“He's never called for the elders before, except for the past three wars.” Nuddia’s eyes widened, as she walked alongside Viper. “Do you think we will have another war?”
Viper ruffled his large wings at his sides as he shrugged. “I don’t know, but I’m sure Venom will try to stay away from war, so he will make the best decision he can.” Letting out a sigh Viper turned left into a gloomy hall. The shadows encasing his body in darkness.
Nuddia exhaled. “Yeah, let’s hope he has come to a decision tomorrow.”
Nodding in agreement, Viper and Nuddia parted ways turning into their sleeping caves. Letting out a much-needed sigh from the long day’s work, turning around in a circle Viper lay down in the soft sand that was to the far side of the room. His eyes drooping with sleep, Viper blew small bursts of fire into the sand to heat it.
‘I wonder what tomorrow will hold?’ Viper thought to himself as the need of sleep slowly overtook his body, allowing him to fall into a light slumber.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
And we are moving on.
First Impression: Okay not bad at all. Maybe you're usage of Viper's thoughts is a little too much. It feels a little bit obtrusive like you're reading a story and someone in the background is jumping out and giving comments on it. Besides that well it sounded like Viper has a pretty good friend and Ndutu has some big dreams. Should be interesting in the coming chapters.
Beautiful description to start things off right there.
That part right there doesn't fit the flow of the rest of the sentence. You've gotta rephrase that.
This is some great action so far. It comes off real nice. You've had some amazing action pieces in both the books I've read so far.
Well that was a nice little moment between the two of them.
Okay this friendship sounds okay. The conversation seems a touch scripted like they aren't a hundred percent natural but it sounds good enough. And we get a little bit of insight into Nuddia's character.
Well that's an interesting development. Now I really need to know who these elders are.
Pretty good ending to cap it off
And that's it for this chapter.
Overal: Plot: Acquiring some complexity and holding strong. Characters: Developing nicely enough. Maybe a bit slow but it definitely is happening. So far I am enjoying this story. Some of those Viper thought moments might need to be rewritten to sound less like comments by some outsider but overall it's okay.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Again thanks for the review!
Yes this story needs some fixing up, I agree.
Your Welcome!!!
Yay!!! A girl dragon! So, if males are dragons, and younglings are dragonets, what are females called? Just a question that occurred to me. I already like Nuddia very much and am looking forward to see what you have planned for her. I notice that usually you stay away from romance and focus on action in these series, so perhaps I should expect a more platonic friendship between Viper and Nuddia. Anyways, that's what I shall think when going into this. Whatever you have planned in store will be fantastic. I really was surprised when Ndutu gave that surprise attack on Viper. I definitely grinned at the older dragon's reaction. So funny! Boy, that poor young dragon - such big dreams, but such little time if there really is a war on the horizon! Keep writing and I shall keep reading (and reviewing).
-Shield
Thank you so much for the review again Shield, And a female dragon is called a Dragoness. I tell you that as the story goes on.
Yes I wanted Ndutu to have big dream it gives the reader another reason to stick by and see what happens.
After a while I'm ready to take some time and make my review too.
Parts like this show that you really know how to make passionated descriptions. Mine don't reach such figures of speech.
I like the use of internal thought integrated into the narration, but you should keep the time at the past for keeping the flux.
That "his speed so great" to me is a little style downfall. How about something like "his speed letting him easily escape the upcoming thunderstorm"?
Here I see you repeated Ndutu in two near phrases. For better flow, consider using another term for indicating him, in the second time. Apply this later also because I see this happens extremely often in this chapter.
Better say "looking like excitement", or "looking excited".
There's no need to repeat "has something happened" when the narration already said it. In fact, it is quite ugly. Remove one of them.
For a moment I thought I would love to see him a little more tormented and think a lot about the future before falling asleep, but I guess he's too tired for that
This is what I found for this chapter! Moving on next.
[QUOTE]
Hello FlamingPhoenix, (literally wrote it phoniex)
So of course you are not the first one to make a story with dragons in it. And by far the last. But it's more of a dragon tale, and less of a human-to-dragon story. Which is exactly why I like this better.
From what I know, you used that Game Of Thrones term of wyverns, but there's something quite itching about your clans.. this is inspired, at least a bit; by WingsOfFire, right? I mean: "SandWyverns" and "SandWings." Only one word of a difference.. but for all I know this might be the first time someone ever talked to you about the WingsOfFire series. But really, it’s not plagiarism- no, it’s definitely not- it’s actually enjoyable.
So the first thing I noticed, with the vocab at least; is this
*“No.” Viper said planinly before he kept walking. “I don’t think he would have come to decision yet, he said he had to talk to the elders about it.” He gritted his teeth, his eyes narrowing the floor.* so you see, this sentence in itself is not WRONG. What’s noticeable though, is that it’s in a dialogue. You see, when you add text between the things they say, it’s usually for exposition or for other things- but it’s used to break the static impression of a scene. Imagine a story with a whole chapter of people talking about exposition. With no action. Without any, “”that’s the way it is,’ he said. Dusting off the blood on his wings.” Without that last part. It would be god awful boring. But in action, it does the opposite. Doing that multiple times GIVES a sense of staticity. (If that’s even an English word..) I mean they’re talking of a war right, exposition; okay. But they’re not just sitting and talking; they’re walking (or flying) to that cave. One or two is fine. But literally I see those things after every line they speak. That’s why this works
“He’s never called for the elders before, except for the past three wars.” her eyes widened. “Do you think we’re having another war?”
(Because they’re two, so specifying “her” as being Nuddia is unnecessary)
And not really
“He’s never called for the elders before, except for the past three wars.’ Nuddia’s eyes widened as she walked alongside Viper. “Do you think we’re having another war?”
You see, adding the “as she walked alongside Viper, takes us out of the drama of this scene. Description prolongs, remember that.
Hello again.
Sorry but I haven't seen Game of Thrones. Though I have read Wings Of Fire, it is what inspired me to write, well that and How to train your dragon.
Anyway I under stand what you mean by the description, I'm normally really good with that, but I've been trying really hard to improve me speech so I guess I forget to add those sort of details in. XD I'll try add more in as I go, thanks for pointing that out.
Where did you get Visserion, then?
Oh it doesn't matter really, but don%u2019t watch game of thrones before you read it. Be warned. Oh and what I pointed out is barely visible, just needed some text for my review
Oh I don't watch a lot of movies. Anyway I should work on my description a little more.
Hello, I'm here for the review again!
Soo the fight scene in the beginning was totally rad! I can see Ndutu turning into a quite awesome soldier. And speaking of Ndutu, I have a really weird (I'm really dumb, pardon me) question to ask. What is the actual pronounciation of Ndutu? Is the ‘N’ silent? Or is it the ‘d’. I've been wondering about it since he was first introduced.
I'm delighted to see Nuddia in this chapter. She's the first ever female character to be introduced in the story, and I already started to like her. She seems to be quite humorous and light hearted, which I really loved because the other characters are very serious all the time, haha. I can't wait to see some of Nuddia's fighting skills!
Oh, and here:
Soldier. This is the only thing I noticed in the whole chapter.
I found it interesting when you used Dragon wings for the unit of measure of length. It's really unique. But don't you think the wing length varies depending on which kind of dragon it is? I mean there are sand Wyverns, Onyx Wyverns, phantom Wyverns etc? Just saying.
I'm happy for both Ndutu and Viper, cuz they finally got some rest after so much training. Looking forward to the next chapter! Post soon please! There are so many questions in my head now. When will Venom contact the Elders? What are they like? Will there be an exception this time or is the war really inevitable? Will Ndutu be good enough to be a chief? Will we see his brother in battle?
The questions are endless, but only you can provide the answers!! Pleeease post soon!
Have a good day/night and happy writing!
Hello again! I want to thank you for the review! It was very sweet and helpful.
Now how to pronounce Ndutu's name, well the N and the D aren't silent. it's an African name so it's not the normal kind. XD though I guess the N can be silent if it makes it easier for you to read it.
I also under stand what you meant by the different wing lengths, I'll try and come up with a different way of saying that.
I also love Nuddia, she is based on me a little.
Anyway thanks for the fast review and I will post again soon, and I hope some of your answers will be well answered.
Until next time!
Hallu!!As usual i am here to rescue my fav dragons(though Zoltar and others tug my heartstrings too)from the green room.So lets begin U know u r awesome.I am incredibly happy to see Nuudddiiaa Yayyy!!.You r a real pro at writing action scenes. The training fight btw Viper and Nudutu was spot on I mean Spot On.Nudutu has got quite the big dreams and also the potential(i love his moves) to fullfill them i believe in you ma'dear.I liked how Viper encouraged him but also told him of the certain consequences just what a good teacher would have done.I must mention the Sand Wyvern name drop off was cool my brain was like Oh thats why they had got melting hot weather.Now lets get into the real stuff
I have no idea why i wrote real stuff here its completely dumbThis was a tad confusing rumbling should come before thunder.It could have been like thisThe sound of rumbling thunder echoed through the dark skyor sth more descriptive.
So sorry or no sorry
Dragon Wings???Thats cheesy;)
Shouldn't it be in as much less time since they don't really have much time
Do u mean dive away??
Huh!!Two vipers??I guess you mean Nudutu in the second sentence.
Nudutu watched as he flew above him
What da ya mean grind as in following:
reduce (something) to small particles or powder by crushing it.
rub or cause to rub together gratingly
a crushing or grating sound or motion
hard dull work.
Loose grl loooossee
And some other such mistakes i am gonna leave for others cuz mam i am getting tired.Though i must mention Flame this chap had quite a bunch of mistakes in it more then any other.*narrows eyes*
Keep up the Excellent work
peace out
Oh gosh so many mistakes what was I doing! O.O I will try and find time to fix it all up. Thank you so much for the review, I'm sorry about all the mistakes, I didn't have a lot of time to write this chapter, anyway I will fix it!
Thats Ok
Okay I've gone ahead and fixed some of the mistakes and changed some of the sentences that didn't sound right!
Ahhh!!Much Better