People often claim to have rude awakenings, though this morning mine was particularly rude. I had slammed my hand down on the sleep button when my alarm first went off. Ten minutes later, I heard a ripping sound.
Groggily, I peeled my eyes open to a horrific sight. My younger sister was systematically ripping up every one of my short stories and writing ideas. I shot up and bolted across the room.
"Ky!" I screamed, shoving her away from my precious papers. I flipped through the scrappy remains until I found it. A piece of paper that read, "My Novel- Soon to be publis". The rest of the word was cut off.
I began to sob, clutching the paper to my chest. Kylie had shredded my novel, the one I was sending in to an editor later that day. We didn't have very much money, and that was the only copy. "Why..." I whispered mournfully.
"It's for your own good," Ky said coldly, emotionless. "Our parents are gone. You are responsible for our family now. You, Ella. You need to stop dreaming and get a job. Today."
Glaring at my sister, I got dressed and sprinted to school. Ever since our parents had died, I was left in charge of my sister. My older brother was in college, but he apparently did not care for us enough to give us any money. I was holding off on getting a job, waiting to publish my novel. I was sure that it would bring in enough money to sustain us. Kylie didn't understand. She wouldn't even give me a chance, going out of her way to destroy my dreams.
Soon, unfortunately soon, I arrived at the school. Before I walked in, I wiped away my tears, composing myself and clearing my face of all feelings.
Lit class was awful today. Why couldn't we ever do any creative writing? I was sitting in the row of desks by the window, completely zoned out. Ms. Olsen was droning on about some obscure author-lady who I did not care one whit about. What I did care about, what I was truly passionate about, was a pile of shredded papers at the bottom of my bag.
Drawing circles on my desk with my finger, I stared out the window at the green landscape. Trees were swaying in the wind- well, if the trees are swaying, there must be wind, right? Do trees just... sway? Simply because they can or wish to? Do trees actually think about that?
Suddenly, the Flicker occurred. I had no other name for it, it just seemed like a flicker of light on a huge scale. It was like a power surge, except bigger. It was almost as if... as if the sun had had a power surge. In less then a second, everything was normal again. I blinked and sat up straighter.
Everyone around me was still the same: slacking off, chatting, making paper creatures. However, in the next row over Conner was looking at me and the windows.
Leaning over, he said, "Did you see it too? The flash?"
Conner had been my rival for years. We hated each other because he had bullied me when I was younger. In a normal situation, I would not hesitate to turn away from him angrily without saying a word. Somehow, I felt like I needed to say something this time.
"Yes," I said breathlessly. "It was almost like..." I trailed off, pondering what I wanted to say here.
"Look," Connor said, pointing towards the windows. "It's snowing." I rotated my head to see what on earth the idiot was talking about. Snow. The ground was covered in white snow, at least three feet of it.
"I-I could have sworn it was May just a moment ago!" I stuttered, staring in horror at the scene before me. Something was off. I could feel it, and it terrified me.
"Exactly," Conner said. "Come on, Ella." I could hear Conner stand up behind me, but I was too concerned to look back at him.
"Come on?" I repeated. "Where?" Finally tearing my eyes from the drastically changed landscape, I turned to meet Conner's steady gaze.
"We need to find out what's going on," he replied. I stood up and began to walk towards the door, Conner following closely. We would have to put the past behind us for now. No one even noticed as we left the class.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,826 Reviews
Hi there, Falc. A rattlesnake (as you call me) here for a review.
Well, I am sure you are having fun reviewing a lot of stuff on this awesome day.
Let's not waste any further time and start reviewing this chapter.
A semicolon would better than a comma here. It technically makes the sentence wrong.
There's no need of a period here. Instead, use the word "but" to connect both the sentences. That way, it'd sound better (at least to me).
Now, this, grammatically seems incorrect. I really didn't understand what you meant here
I am not going to assume anythingotherwise I would have tried to correct it the way I think it should have been.You mean "Literature", right? Try not to use abbreviations in your novel.
Now, that's what I call an amazing story. Snow in May! Well, that's what our next poem is all about.
Anyway, it was pretty neat and awesome. Lovely stuff.
The ending could have been a little better. Try leaving some suspense in the end - even a fake one can do the job! It's not too tough, I suppose.
Overall, it was amazing. I can't wait to read chapter 2!!!
Heyo Falconer, happy review day, Flite here for a review. I saw the second part of this and I thought I'd start from the beginning. This is an interesting idea you have here, definitely worth exploring but whilst I was reading this I also picked up several issues that could be fixed. The one on the forefront of my mind is your character interactions and how believable they are, the first one was between Ky and Ella. Ella appears to the older sibling here but judging from Ky's personality, I get the feeling that it's the exact opposite. Ky's personality is extremely apathetic and to tear up her sister's writing, well, isn't that a bit extreme? On that note, I would also like to say more interaction between the two of them before Ella rushed out the door and her reaction too I feel felt somewhat flat. She got angry, but that was it. I was expecting a confrontation between the two, and I say confrontation because you could use that confrontation to your advantage to show us what happened to her parents and a better insight into their relationship.
How old is Ella? If her parents had died, then the legal system (assuming we're still talking about Earth in the 21st century) would take them in and not just let them dwell on their own.
Hmmm, then the interaction between Conner and Ella. So does Conner have to be Ella's childhood enemy, I'm just asking this because I'm wondering whether that will make a difference. Since they don't really act like childhood enemies, despite the Flash and all. Just classmates who don't know each other that well.
I'm sure they need to find out what's going on, being the curiosity characters they are. But a more realistic reaction I think, would be freaking out, seeing if others are freaking out, see if the authority in charge is freaking out before taking matters into their own hands. Right now, it's like they see this sort of thing every once in a while. Now, I'm getting the impression that the rest of the population is immune to this flash, or the snowing outside otherwise there would be chaos. But I'll hold my tongue and find out soon.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask me.
-Flite
Hi Falco!
Interesting beginning you have here, and I'm interested in seeing what the flicker was all about/what it means. Shall we get to the grammar part now?
For some reason I tend to start with correcting parts closer to the end than the beginning...
Rather than bold-en "must" why not italicize it? It makes much more sense and bold words don't seem right in the middle of a story (unless it's used to display the large words on a sign or something).
I don't really see any other grammatical errors but there might be a couple, you'll want to keep an eye out for them.
But once again, interesting start. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for any future installments to this work.
Keep writing!
-Jules
Thanks Hatt, I appreciate it. Happy reviewing!
It was a really good story overall. But I think putting supernatural in the genre at least for this chapter would be a good idea. Fantasy can work with three feet of snow out of nowhere, but supernatural would be an easier explanation because then anything is possible. My other nitpick was the length, for a novel/chapter story, it's extremely short, just my opinion anyway. Could be because books I read are typically about 30 to 40 pages a chapter and near a thousand pages or more.
Other than those couple nitpicks at your settings genre and story type I saw no problem with this. It was really good and am looking forward to your next chapter.
Hi Falconer,
This is a compelling start to a novel. It's sure to pull readers right in! The dialogue flows smoothly and feels completely natural, like I can hear them talking. The words glide with ease and your sentence structure is done amazingly well. There was only one typo I saw: in the paragraph three from the end "here" should be "hear." Also, for clarification reasons explain how Ella knows about the "Flicker." If she doesn't know about it explain how she knows what it's called. Additionally, explain Kylie's actions. Why would Kylie just randomly tear up Ella's papers? Overall, that little part didn't make much sense to me, but maybe that's my fault.
This piece was written with remarkable fluidity and incredible imagery. I especially like the part where Ella remarked that her passion was "a pile of shredded up papers at the bottom of my bag."
Keep writing,
Joy
P.S. Eagerly awaiting Chapter 2!!!
Thanks for the review! I will be sure to fix the here to hear, and also clean up the Kylie part a little bit. I'm glad you like it, and I'll let you know when I make chapter 2! (It will take a little while, I'm traveling)
Thanks! I'll be sure to read it when it's ready!
It was pretty clear the way it's written. She tore up the novel because she thought it was an unrealistic goal and wanted him to move on. He also stated that calling it the flicker was the only thing he had come to mind. Don't see how that was unclear.
It was pretty clear the way it's written. She tore up the novel because she thought it was an unrealistic goal and wanted him to move on. He also stated that calling it the flicker was the only thing he had come to mind. Don't see how that was unclear.
@JoytheBrave it's fine, I understand that it can be confusing. I changed it a little bit and gave some more background information on Ella in the process. Should be better now!