The fresh green leaves drifted lazily in the humid summer air. The forest was alive, filled with birds and all sorts of friendly creatures. A girl slept soundly on soft green moss. Her hair was as red as fresh strawberries and smelled of vanilla, and her fingers were long and delicate. A pianist's fingers.
The girl's name was Summer, and that's exactly what she was. As she slowly woke up, her eyelids fluttered open and her eyes shone yellow like a wolf's. Summer, in a daze, slowly sat up and began to walk around the forest, marveling at all of the wonder and mystery surrounding her.
The girl explored for some time, giggling as she splashed in shallow pools of clear water and ran with the deer. Her dress was made of flowers and she traveled barefoot, already as much a part of the forest as it was of her.
She was frolicking the whole morning, but around midday she stopped cold. Summer had remembered something. Oh, if only she had remembered sooner!
Every day, Summer would wake up, only to find one of her friends, Spring, smiling lazily as she laid down to sleep. Spring was largely Summer's confidant, and messenger to learn what precious little she could about Winter. That is, of course, when she could get Spring to stay awake long enough for Summer to get in a decent conversation. Their overlap was often small, smaller than the overlap between Summer and Autumn, who she fondly refers to as Leaf-boy. However, Spring was the only girl for Summer to talk to.
Throughout the day, Summer would then do what she pleased, going to Leaf-boy at the end of the day and then going to sleep herself. They were friends, and that was fine. That wasn't what was bothering Summer.
Summer realized that now was the time to act. She shook herself from her stupor, dropped the flowers she was holding and ran.
She sprinted through the forest, hurtling over fallen trees and dodging thorny bushes. Still, the faster she ran, the faster the day went. I must go faster! she thought. She needed to.
Summer came to the edge of the forest just as the sun was setting. Yes, she thought victoriously, I have made it! Finally.
Just then, the girl's foot caught on a root and she was sent flying. Her vision began to get dark and blurry as she fell asleep. The last thing she saw was Leaf-boy grinning mischievously and giving a little wave. Then Summer collapsed entirely.
Would she never meet the cold and mysterious Winter? Would she only ever be able to hear and learn of him from her friends? Would she ever enter the silver realm and run with the wolves and dance in the light of the white moon?
Summer didn't know. All she knew was that she could never give up. The day repeated itself over and over again. She would find Winter, or die trying. However, Summer couldn't die, so that left only one option: Chasing Winter.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
*hops in*
Ah, another review!
As with before, I didn't notice any grammatical errors or misspellings (though I may have missed some).
Your story here was quite something. I really like the personification of things that aren't normally personified and, while personifying the seasons isn't completely unheard of, I still very much enjoyed this story.
Summer's frantic dash to reach Winter... I don't want to say that I could feel her need for haste
as that's not something I saybut I could definitely understand and, well, "feel" her worry that she would miss Winter again.I like the idea of the seasons being people and slowly drifting off to sleep as the next season awakes and hefts up the mantle of care-taking for the day.
I'm not really sure what else to say other than I enjoyed this story. Keep up the great work and...
Keep writing!
-Jules
Alas, 'tis I gokubrother. Let's go right into the review, shall we?
First off, I liked your short story because I love it when people personify seasons. Also, I liked the plot; Summer's inquisitiveness and the like.
In your first paragraph, second sentence, you say "birds, animals, and all sorts of friendly creatures." Saying birds and animals sounds a bit redundant because, well, birds are animals. Also, "all sorts of friendly creatures" sounds a bit like saying "and everyone else." So for that ending of your second sentence it'd be "animals, animals, and everyone else." Maybe remove the "animals" from the middle which causes redundancy and just leave "birds and all sorts of friendly creatures."
Whenever you write that Summers calls Autumn "leaf-boy," it's a proper noun because it's a nickname replacing a name. The proper spelling would be "Leaf-Boy" or "Leaf-boy," but not all lowercase as seen in the text. "Beavis and Butt-head" weren't "Beavis and butt-head."
Again, I like your short story because the plot was quaint and whimsical, but that alone doesn't make a masterpiece.
Keep writing!
-Goku
Thank you for the tips! I will change those things.
Heya! Gravity here for a review!
Okay so this sentence was just thrown in there. First you introduce me to Summer and then without really telling me anything else about her other than she's a season and I'm supposed to assume she has traits like that season, you throw in that sentence about Winter. How does the messenger work? Why doesn't Spring let her meet Winter? What is the nature between she and Winter? Why does he send messages to her at all? When was the first message? Are they love notes? I think you get the point. You just sort of throw this relationship in there without giving us any details. I think this is because you were going for this light folk/myth very light and airy tone. Sort of like how warm the day is.So I love short stories but I found yours to be confusing. I think because of the tone and the way it was so short? I liked what you did with personifying the seasons, I think that was a really creative idea. But there were definitely some parts that could use a little tweaking.
But to be frank, the tone you are trying to use is like sheer fabric and the tone you could be adapting is like a sponge. The details I need from you are the water. I can't get many details out of sheer fabric, but sponge gives me a whole lot. However, sometimes sponge can seem too dark and complicated so maybe instead go for wool. It holds water but not too much. (I'm taking this analogy way too far aren't I?) my point is, I need more details. You don't have to compromise your tone for me to get those details, not completely, but you could do with some changes.
What is the deal with this girl? If she is supposedly receiving messages from this mysterious Winter the way it says she is a few paragraphs down, why is she so carefree? More importantly, why is she acting like a Disney princess? I'm not trying to be mean but your MC seems very shallow and very ditzy, very distracted by the things around her. She doesn't have much depth and I need that. I need an internal conflict to keep me interested. Or SOME kind of conflict instead of la di dah laughing and running in the woods barefoot.
What? This is sudden. Summer goes from acting like a ditzy princess with Spring to being friends with Autumn or "leaf boy" and then suddenly she has to take action. What turn of events led her to take this action? Take action about what? What is the conflict here?
How did she know she needed to make it out of the forest? I'm so confused. Is she looking for Winter?
Okay. I'm so confused. I have literally heard one sentence about this Winter and two sentences about this Autumn. I know Autumn better than Winter so I'm more worried about him. You didn't go very in depth on their friendship. You could've turned this into a big betrayal, a major plot twist. It took me forever to figure out it was Autumn who pushed her because there weren't many details provided. Why is she so hung up on this Winter who she has never met when her best friend literally just betrayed her?
Okay so I love a good title clincher but here I thought it was just sort of redundant. And I'm not trying to be mean, I'm really really not, but it sounds a bit cliche. I got the theme of "Chasing Winter" as soon as you randomly brought him up and then again when she started running out of the forest for reasons unknown.
Overall you had pretty good imagery and a great story concept. But you really need to take a look at your plot and conflict and make it clear to the reader as to what you're intentions really are.
XOXO,
Gravity
PS. WHAT HAPPENS TO SPRING? WHAT ABOUT AUTUMN AND SUMMER? DOES SHE EVER CONFRONT HIM?
Ehhhhh yeah there are evidently there are mistakes, I was planning on expanding it but am planning it out a bit more first.
Thank you so much for your suggestions and the good points you brought up!
I will keep those in mind while I continue working on this.
Falcon, that was beautiful... I truly have no words. Thanks for sharing this.
You are quickly becomming one of my favourite YWS authors. Everything is perfect; the imagery, wording, thoughts, everything! Shall I try and review this? I don't know how. Let's post my favourite parts...
The fresh green leaves drifted lazily in the humid summer air. The forest was alive, filled with birds and animals and all sorts of friendly creatures. A girl slept soundly on soft green moss. Her hair was as red as fresh strawberries and smelled of vanilla, and her fingers were long and delicate. A pianist's fingers.
Spoiler
The girl's name was Summer, and that's exactly what she was. As she slowly woke up, her eyelids fluttered open and her eyes shone yellow like a wolf's. Summer, in a daze, slowly sat up and began to walk around the forest, marvelling at all of the wonder and mystery surrounding her.
The girl explored for some time, giggling as she splashed in shallow pools of clear water and ran with the deer. Her dress was made of flowers and she traveled barefoot, already as much a part of the forest as it was of her.
She was frolicking the whole morning, but around midday she stopped cold. Summer had remembered something. Oh, if only she had remembered sooner!
Every day, Summer would wake up, only to find one of her friends, Spring, smiling lazily as she laid down to sleep. Spring was largely Summer's confident, and messenger to learn what precious little she could about Winter. That is, of course, when she could get Spring to stay awake long enough for Summer to get in a decent conversation. Their overlap was often small, smaller than the overlap between Summer and Autumn, who she fondly refers to as leaf-boy. However, Spring was the only girl for Summer to talk to.
Throughout the day, Summer would then do what she pleased, going to the leaf-boy at the end of the day and then going to sleep herself. They were friends, and that was fine. That wasn't what was bothering Summer.
Summer realised that now was the time to act. She shook herself from her stupor, dropped the flowers she was holding and ran.
She sprinted through the forest, hurtling over fallen trees and dodging thorny bushes. Still, the faster she ran, the faster the day went. I must go faster! she thought. She needed to.
Summer came to the edge of the forest just as the sun was setting. Yes, she thought victoriously, I have made it! Finally.
Just then, the girl's foot caught on a root and she was sent flying. Her vision began to get dark and blurry as she fell asleep. The last thing she saw was the leaf-boy grinning mischievously and giving a little wave. Then Summer collapsed entirely.
Would she never meet the cold and mysterious Winter? Would she only ever be able to hear and learn of him from her friends? Would she ever enter the silver realm and run with the wolves and dance in the light of the white moon?
Summer didn't know. All she knew was that she could never give up. The day repeated itself over and over again. She would find Winter, or die trying. However, Summer couldn't die, so that left only one option: Chasing Winter.
Please keep writing, and let me know when you do.
I am honored! I'm glad you like it, I try my best. ^.^
I don't know if you like reading novels, but I'm working on a fantasy one now.
Wow. I have to say, this was spectacular. I love the idea of using seasons as characters!
Your description of the forest was also beautifully written, and I love the description of Summer's strawberry colored hair and long fingers. Very well done.
The end, oh my! It was enough to leave me sitting there in shock, then realizing it was just a story. Now, I really want to know what happens between Summer and Winter.
I'm only wondering - are they all in the same world, just characters? That left me a little confused. And I'm guessing she's trying to chase Winter because he's not one of her 'neighbors' (like Spring and Autumn-next other in a way). So could Autumn and Spring not be together? Just a few things that I'm curious about. I don't know if you could neccasarily fit it in.
It is a fabulous short story!
Great job
~ EternalRain ^.^
Thanks for the nice review! I left it a little open ended on purpose, but yes, Spring and Autumn wouldn't be together either. Summer wants to meet Winter, to find out who he is and be his friend. She only knows a bit about him so he is super mysterious to her.
You're welcome!
thanks for the explanation ^.^
Okay
I thought this was a great story. The imagery in your story was fantastic! Throughout the piece, I was "there." It felt like I was transported into the forest. The detail that you put into the imagery, made it really engaging. I could almost smell the vanilla! I do have one question though, what about spring?
I'm being really picky here, but in a couple of sentences, you put a comma before the and. E.g,
"Every day, Summer would wake up, do what she pleased ,and then go to the leaf-boy and then sleep." This is easy to fix up though...
Keep up the good work!
Tennishead
Ah, thank you! And thanks for catching those little mistakes. I will probably add in a little bit about spring, too.
You're welcome! I look forward to hearing spring's part in this tale!