**Note: This is still flashback, I am so sorry in advance, it's almost over.**
“You’ve been breaking minor laws for quite some time now.” The voice came from the shadows, and Elliott snapped her head over to see. There was something in the tone… it was both familiar and alien. It made her shiver. Her mother stepped back from her protective embrace. She caught a glimpse of her sister staring out from the shadows defiantly. “You’ve left your house, ‘accidentally’ stolen things, wandered onto government property, and now, now you’ve broken our most sacred law. You’ve gone into the ocean.”
“She was dreaming,” the woman had said dismissively, though her eyes stayed pinned on Elliott. Elliott knew that she had not been dreaming, and she knew that this woman knew it as well, but her mother was nodding along.
“Elliott, darling, this is General Evelyn Marq,” her mother said, trying to smile. But Elliott knew that she only ever called her darling when she was worried. She watched as her mother pulled Gwendolyn to her side and held her hand. Why wasn’t she holding Elliott’s? Goodness knew she needed it more. “She’s going to take care of you for a while, then you’ll be joining the military.”
Questions whirled in her head, but all she asked was, “For how long?” She felt the eyes of everyone on her back, staring at her.
“For as long as it takes,” her mother said simply. It sounded as if she was holding back tears. “When General Marq decides you’re alright to be in society and obey the laws outside of the military, you may return. Other than that, the military lasts until you’re forty years old.” Forty years! Forty years of prison. It didn’t look as if this General Marq would just let her go. Frantic, she looked around for an escape. Evelyn stood conveniently in front of the exit.
“Oh, don’t worry Elliott!” her mother cried, reaching for her at last. “This is good. You’ll be able to obey the law. And Evelyn is doing you a favor simply by not locking you up or discontinuing your education!” But don’t you see, Elliott wanted to scream, You are locking me up! She forced herself to nod, forced herself to smile.
“You have five minutes to pack what you need,” General Marq said crisply, examining her nails with disinterest. Her snowy white wings were folded up neatly behind her. Elliott moved as if underwater again. She was drowning, drowning, drowning. But still she went to her room, packed what she could not live without in a small travel bag. She came back into the main room and hugged her sister goodbye.
“Don’t forget me,” she whispered, and Gwendolyn’s eyes said she was sorry. She hugged her mother as well, trying to memorize her scent. Then General Marq took hold of her arm with a steel grip and marched her to the exit.
They flew out into the night in forced tandem, and Elliott didn’t know where they went because her mental compass was all askew in the light of what was happening. All was quiet, as if no one knew what was happening, and in that moment, she knew that no one would save her. This wasn’t like the stories.
An imposing building loomed up before them, dark in the ragged night. Elliott cringed as they flew towards a wall, but the General steered them miraculously in through an opening. For the first time, Elliott stumbled when she landed, and her hands hit the floor with a jolt that spread through her arms. She had half a mind to just lay down on the cool wood, but Marq was there, heaving her up in that steel trap of a grip once more. With her other arm, she opened a small door and ushered Elliott inside. It was a tiny, empty pantry. She stared out of it with big eyes.
“Tomorrow,” the general said with indifference, “I will be taking you to the military training camp. I will visit every two months to ensure your compliance. Do well enough, and l might let you go on a mission. You can go home once you’ve done fifty.”
Fifty! Elliott could do fifty. She knew she could try hard if it meant getting her freedom back. But the icy glint in General Marq’s eyes made her certain that her fifty missions would be no ordinary fifty.
Elliott swallowed, gathering her courage to speak up against this injustice. “I thought that no one could be forced to join the military until they were fourteen.” She was, after all, four years younger than that.
The general’s eyes narrowed, closing in on Elliott as if she were merely an insect that could be crushed underfoot at any moment. “I have informed them that you are very much a volunteer. They made an exception due to your enormous enthusiasm. Because of this, you have requested to focus solely on your military training, and will not be receiving any letters from home. Nevertheless, they will come, but never fear. Someone else will be... taking care of them for you.”
This wasn’t legal. None of this was. It couldn’t be. And what was worse, it would never be known because of the high position in power that General Marq possessed. Fear swallowed Elliott, and as General Marq closed the door, darkness enveloped her.
She had then spent the next ten years of her life in military training. Though, the first few years her “training” was essentially the duties of a cleaning person, with the occasional run too far for a child or sparring with someone much older than she. She looked upon it brightly in comparison to her other options, and, as promised, General Marq checked in every two months. Sometimes her young son came with her, peaking out from behind her protective wings. Elliott had gotten in trouble numerous times over the years, and her first mission had been pushed back and back and back. There was only one perk of having been in the military so long- everyone had a grudge against General Marq, and they knew her story. She had good friends to support and defend her.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
I get the feeling trying to catch up to this on one review a day might not work, at least not to try and catch it in the green room, but oh well we'll see.
I have literally zero nit-picks which is excellent! Only thing that occurred to me while I was reading was SHE'S TEN YEARS OLD????? I, er, didn't quite get that
Okay, you're clearly aware that this is not the best structure for a story. I think a prologue would be a decent idea, which would mean the whole thing wouldn't have to be in italics. I also think the bits at either end are neither necessary nor helpful. I don't even remember what the first sentence was and it would have to be a much more significant setup for it to be worth doing. The bit at the end is definitely just an infodump full of things I'd much rather learn in the next couple of chapters through watching characters interact. It also takes away from the cliffhanger end of the flashback, which I was actually pretty in love with.
For the most part your characters react exactly as they should, there were only a couple that felt slightly jarring:
- The fact that she was thinking that her mum didn't understand this was actually bad for her. Somehow I get the feeling her mum knows she isn't happy about this and is just trying to put a good spin on things, so this kinda lacks impact.
- The announcement of military training was just a teensy bit too sudden. I think it would have helped to have some dramatic build-up along the lines of "there is only one thing for it: military school" except maybe less cliché than my example.
But onto compliments! I love the pace at which your plot is advancing, adore your main character, love your hook, love your flow and style. Will be here for the next chapter whether I can snag it before it's out the GR or not!
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Hello Querencia!
First of all, I really like your writing style. It's very clear and for the most part, I could understand everything that was happening. I've read your other parts, but I haven't finished the beginning it might just be my perception.
Also I really like the name Elliott, and I've never heard it used for a female character and I think that's awesome
That Y should be lowercase. I don't think you need to emphasise that those are Elliott's thoughts, but if you feel you need to, you could un-italicise those two sentence or put apostrophes in.
This is probably just me, but I feel like, as a trained military leader, Marq wouldn't be examining her nails so casually? Again, it's probably just me, but she doesn't feel as much like a leader by examining her nails like that. Makes her appear snobby, sure, but not in the right way.
I also agree somewhat with WyvrynScribe about the ending feeling forced, but to me it just feels rushed. There's also the part where they arrive at the (military base?) that feels rushed as well. They fly towards the building, Elliott lands and stumbles and they're off again. Maybe it's just me, but that part also felt rushed.
That's all the little things I noticed, but otherwise your writing is smooth and consistent. I'll go back and finish the first part and maybe that will help clear up some confusion for me.
I hope you found this review helpful (and that I didn't offend you)! Have a great day
-inky
The story here progresses nicely from the first part. The motives behind the antagonist are sound, and the grammar in this is nearly perfect(but a proofread never hurts!). However, the general then blank happened feels a bit forced, and I think it should be more elaborated on, with more examples. Also, if Marq is so disliked, why is she still in power? It's clear she has abused this, and if so many military people have a grudge, I'm surprised there's not been an uprising. In general, it's very good, but certain things should be elaborated on. I would especially like to congratulate you on your descriptions and use of figurative language. Keep up the good work, and get better on the 'bad'!
Hi! Thanks for the review.
Could you be a little more specific on the forced part? Where exactly is it, and aby suggestions for making the flow better?
Mm also, Marq has a pretty high up position. It's like trying to overthrow a bad teacher- you may not like the teacher, but they do their job well, and you'd have to face the school and principle to do something about it. Since most of their country is kind of based on the military, it would mean something huge to try and oversthrow General Marq, and since she technically does her job, no ones willing to go that far and challenge authority that much. I don't know, something like that.
Glad you liked the descriptions!
I'm sorry if it was a bit confusing, but the summary at the end is what I was talking about
Like I said, little examples and more details would help the flow, giving us more foreknowledge. I know you want to finish up the prolougue but they're important things to have if you need one, and I think that it makes sense here.