You filled your silences with music,
I filled my silences with you
We would sit together in silence;
Late in the evening when your music
Had faded.
The air thrums softly,
More feeling than sound
Like the vibrating of harpsichord strings
Long after a note was played
You read something befitting you;
Perhaps a book on music theory,
Engineering,
Science and the mechanics of life
While I am settled
With a romance book I care
Too much,
Too much about-
Crying over fiction never helped me
When the silence came
We sat and sat without a word
And the silence settled on us,
Around us,
Like a blanket, a comfort we could
Wrap around us, holding us together
As well as apart
A sigh might escape your lips,
And you would hold out your hand to me
As we went upstairs
And the stars came out
You would hold me in silence
As the world falls asleep
under its spell
Even when you wouldn't speak to me
The creaks and clicks
Of your tired bones
Were a comforting sound
My mind would invent sounds
to fill the blank space
When you fall asleep
While broken song lyrics
filter through my head
In tune with your steady breath
And eventually it takes more than music
Though it never took more than you
So you find yourself unsatisfied
And when you leave,
I find that too.
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139,436 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
Hello there! LadyShadows here for a review!
This may or may not be a little short, but I will put my initial thoughts in this first. I really liked the poem. To me it kind of gave silence a bit more of a description other than itself being a settling down in the void. I liked that. The poem was sweet too. All I have to say though, in my opinion you repeated the word 'silence' too much, and sometimes, that word was too close together in the poem. It was extremely repetitive. It's okay to be repetitive, but sometimes an editor, for example, will think it's tedious. And it's too much of that word all for the fact that the title does not match the description of silence and its themes. Also I did not like the ending. In my opinion it could have ended better than that, considering this piece is not a bad piece at all. I liked it. However these are my thoughts for this piece. Keep writing
Hi,
I certainly like this poem. I like the messages inside of this poem dearly much although obviously, I don't really like the ending, but that's a personal preference.
***
The whole poem coated with words I found really enchanting. The things you relating are very creative and good. The repetition of some words especially "silence" in the beginning made this poem provoking like you're stressing it, trying to tell us it is something you're highlighting in the poem.
The only thing here is I'm not a fan of wordy. You can keep the meaning the same with lesser words used because wordy is just a distraction and doesn't help with the flow. It ruins most of the time. In context with poem, wordy is a sign that the poet is lazy to revise--to cut up useless words--I don't mean you specifically, but unfortunately, I can.
***
I hope this review helps you. I can relate the tale with me and it takes a lot of works to make your poems connected with your readers, so good job. Keep writing. I love this work.
~memo
Shhhh it's not actually over :p
*nods
I will be waiting. XD
Hey Falconer! Here's a small review.
I very much like this work but I have a few things to say. The first thing and pretty much the only thing that I didn't like about this poem is the fact that you repeated the word silence very close to each other in the beginning of the poem. That just stuck out to me and distracted me. Also I thought I'd help you with formatting your poems in the publishing center. You don't have to but this way it makes your poem look nicer and you don't have to put anything in the space between stanzas.
first click the </> button (this will show a black page and your poetry will be in a code font)
then at the end of every line and where you want a space to be put </br>
like this:
i love cats</br>
cats are great</br>
</br>
dogs are cool too</br>
but cats are great</br>
marmalade
(this review was short and not that full of critique but that's because I genuinely loved this poem and found pretty much nothing wrong)
Awe thank you!! <3 And thanks especially for the line break thing, I totally didn't know that.
Man the silence in the first two lines is what I built the whole thing on, so I'm reluctant to replace it, but I'll see what I can do. If I publish the other three there will be even more mentions of silence.
No problem!
Hey Falconer,
Ok so the thing I don't really like is the repetitive use of the word silence. Try not to repeat a word with a couple of lines because then it just feels over used and gets rather tedious to read. For the second line you could say something like "I filled mine with you" or something along that. As for the third line you should come up with a strong synonym for silence.Myjaspercat here for a review
Here you change tense from past to present. Notice how you go from 'had' to 'thrums'? The rest of the poem pretty much follows the past tense narration so I would suggest messing with the few lines to fit the rest of the poem.
Repetition of the phrase 'around us'
Ok so those are all my nitpicks... on with the overall feeling.
First of all the format of this poem was rather odd, I don't know if you had trouble with that but if you did just ask me and I could give you a few pointers. Just try and fix that issue.
Second, you seemed to repeat quite a few words in which I felt it would have made the poem stronger if you found some better synonyms for them. As well you word choice itself was rather weak, you also used a lot of clichés in your poem. That's ok though since it's hard to write a poem revolving around love (or at least I felt it was about love) without being a little cliché.
Finally the poem's flow was a little odd, try to reread this out loud and see how the flow works then. Overall good job. Good luck and continue writing.
Thanks for the tips. I wrote this quite in pieces and out it together later, so that probably accounts for the tense issues. I meant to repeat the word silence, because it's kind of the theme of this mini series I have, it kind of follows a story. I'll see what I can do about the other repetitions though. What did you think was weird about my formatting?
Each line in your stanzas are pretty spaced apart, until you get to the last few then there are a few that are closer then the others and that felt rather odd to me. And I get the whole 'silence' is the theme, just be careful how many times you use it as it could end up hurting your piece.
Oh you're right about that spacing. O.o No idea how that happened, it certainly want intentional. When I get to a laptop I'll try to sort it out.