The leaves fluttered in the wind like fiery embers, landing in the boy's rust colored hair and on the ground beside him. The leaves were curled and crinkled, the kind that turned to dust under your fingertips, despite the golden color giving the appearance of luster.
The yellowy light of the full harvest moon illuminated the boy's face and the sheaves of paper in his lap. Remnants of summer lay at his feet: a dead dragonfly, a corroded pitcher long emptied, shattered eggshells. Autumnal winds tugged at his reddish-brown locks and the hem of his torn amber shirt.
But the boy ignored his surroundings, and the only sound to be heard was the frantic scribbling of the boy's pen. He was transferring his soul into words, words for people to remember for generations to come, to remember the last autumn night before the eternal winter.
They had all died out before him; this boy was the last of his kind. It was a strange feeling indeed, but then again, it was a strange world in which he lived. He was a strange boy, after all.
His writing was most important to him, his one goal. By writing of the past, he prevented similar disasters in the future. And by looking into the future, by seeing what they would need to know to survive, he could prevent unrecorded horrors from happening the again.
The creatures of winter were very different from this boy and his kin, but that didn't mean that he couldn't use his talents and try to save them from the fate that his own people had suffered.
Dust and bits of hay flew up from the ground and swirled around the boy before settling again. The tree above him creaked and groaned in the wind, and then fell silent. The leaves no longer fell. The wind had died like a snuffed out candle. Time itself stood still.
The boy knew it was time. He stopped writing, and looked up as he held the papers aloft, the moon reflected in the endless depths of his blue eyes. With his last breath, the papers became encased in silver ice. As the boy died, his eyes faded to a dull amber color and he sank into the dirt, falling deep into the earth.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
"a dead dragonfly, a corroded pitcher long emptied, and shattered eggshells.' Would be the correct way to say this. Other than this, I have no critics. This story was a classic example of short but sweet. Keep writing
XD Haven't even looked at this in ages! I rather like the phrase the way it is now (more poetic and all), but thanks for the thought. ^_^
Yes. Another. Review!
*holds up hand for a high-five*
Come on, don't leave me hanging... Okay... *drops hand*
So, I finally saw a grammatical error! I can actually be useful in my reviews! XD
Let's get started, shall we?
Here you seem to have accidentally dropped in a "the". Look for it. In between "happening" and "again". Yeah, there you go!
Just take that out and you've... fixed... all the mistakes.
Darn. Nothing else to correct.
I suppose that shows how good you are at writing (or proofreading. I tend not to proofread.)
*thinks of other things to say*
I did enjoy this story, though it wasn't really my type of story. Once again, personification of seasons, though. I was interested in this boy being the last of his kind, the last personification of Autumn, I take it? I was very interested in why he was so.
Perhaps a war? That's really the only thing I can think of at the moment.
I was half expecting some winter soldiers or something (whatever was causing the rapidly approaching eternal winter) to barge in on the boy and... er... kill him.
Though your writing doesn't seem to be as dark or gory as mine (not that mine's that gory. *looks at stories full of blood* *kicks out of sight*)
Yeah, sorry, this is a bit of a bad review, isn't it? I should stop joking around. It makes it look like I'm just trying to get more points for using more characters...
Okay, I liked this story. It wasn't my favorite but I liked it. You're a really good writer, Falco. You know what that means...
Keep writing!
-Jules
Good Job, really like he picture you paint!! But I agree with TheWanderingWizard when I say change the title to draw attention. If you would just take a sentence from the piece and formatted it a little differently you could use it as a title. Also I want to congratulate you on your fore mentioned imagery. I think you have a lot of talent in that realm and that you could use that as a strong suit in your works to come. Other than that tid-bit, I love it, and I love you.
Please keep writing, I promise i will be waiting!
Greetings, Falconer! Your friendly neighborhood Wizard here for a review (note that I am only friendly on a Sunday, Tuesday, Friday, and sometimes on a Saturday...)
First and foremost I want to say that this is an extraordinary piece. You had me interested throughout my reading session and I applaud you.
I want to suggest that you retitle this piece so that it can attract the browsing reviewer's eye. Short titles are effective in general, but just Autumn might get lost in the hubbub of the All literary and Green Room sections (There are a lot of other titles which might attract attention over yours)
This part bothered me a little bit. Not because it was wrong, but because I would have phrased it differently. Either,
(I left out the "the" at the beginning) Or,
(I just changed the word order) So as you can see, there isn't really any major to it, it just reads easier to me. Personally, I prefer the second variant over the first, but you really don't have to change it.
Here I say the same as Dracula down below. Leave out the "on", seeing as it is unnecessary.
Actually, you can omit the entire part "on that night", as you've already mentioned it was night in the previous paragraph. ("full harvest moon")
Plot-wise, I applaud you. It was an interesting storyline, and I enjoyed reading the piece.
Overall, this is a great piece of work, and I congratulate you on it. I'll therefore give you 8.5 out of ten. Magnificent!
Welcome to YWS,
The Wandering Wizard
Hi, I'm comrie, and I'll be reviewing/gushing over this piece.
The writing is beautiful. I think that's the first thing that popped into my mind when I finished reading this. I loved every pretty word.
I'd love to know more about the boy to get more of a feel of who he is, but since this is a short, it's expected that we don't know too much about our characters and that's okay.
I have favorite lines throughout this, but I especially love the picture you painted when you wrote...
Favorite.
Funny, Dracula pointed out the only two sentences I thought needed revising. I'd look over what's been said there, because they are nice suggestions. Other than that, I don't have any issues with grammar or anything of the sort.
I think expanding on this would be a wonderful idea -- if that was what you were interested in. This world, this boy, why he was the last one standing -- elaborating more on them and possibly turning it into something bigger than a short story, like to a novella, would be amazing. Just an idea
I thought this was a nice little piece. It was short, but I didn't mind its shortness too much. It's nice as it is and if it were longer, it'd be nice as well. I don't have any comments in terms of plot because I personally can't see anything wrong. But I did enjoy this (obviously). Nicely done, keep writing!
-comrie
Hey, Falconer! Welcome to the Young Writers Society! If you need any help just ask.
This short story is pretty cool, and I'm sure you know that. So I'm not going to spend a whole review praising you, instead I'll mention some things which you could change to make it even better. Basically, don't feel discouraged if it seems that reviews only point out the bad things. There are lots of good things, but focusing on them doesn't help you as much.
But the boy ignored his surroundings, and the only sound to be heard on that night was the frantic scribbling of the boy's pen.
On just before that is not necessary. To be heard that night sounds fine. The extra word draws it out too long.
And by looking into the future, he could prevent unrecorded horrors from happening the first time.
I don't understand what you mean by 'happening the first time'. Isn't he writing down the world's history so that the same mistakes won't be made? How can he know what will happen in the future to prevent it? Try rewording so it's easier to understand.
This was seriously amazing, I loved it. Quite often I'll find myself reading at a quicker pace than normal, but I read your story[/i]slower[/i]. It was so enjoyable, so beautifully written that I wanted to take my time and picture the scene as you'd intended.
I really hope you keep writing short stories like this. Perhaps you could write about the same world which this story is set in. What happened before, or after the ice age. If I can call it an ice age.
Thank you so much! I'll fix those sentences you pointed out.