The school walls were painted green and white. I stopped just outside the door to class and stared. The walls had been a dull shade of blue-grey for as long as I had ever been at that school- which, in my mind, was forever.
Conner, taking no notice, was already striding confidently down the hall. Looking back, he said, "Well, Ella? Are we going to find out what's going on here or not?"
I shook my head. "My novel..." I whispered, my eyes darting up and down the banks of lockers. Then, in a more confident tone, "I have to get it."
Conner rolled his eyes, his bad personality showing even in these strange events. "Fine. But we should get it fast, I don't have time for this. What's your locker number?"
Sending a glare in his direction, I stalked off down the opposite hallway without a word. Conner, who played any and every sport, caught up with me easily. It wasn't that I couldn't be fast, but I hadn't practiced or done any sports since my parents had died. Ky, controller of my life, prevented it.
My locker number was 307, and the combination was 5-8-35. I could easily tell Conner this information and let him run and grab my broken novel, but I wasn't about to let that happen. Despite Conner's vociferous protests, I walked silently down the hall without looking back.
When we got to my locker, I tried my combination. It didn't work. I did everything I could think of; spinning the lock multiple times, rearranging the number pattern, even just kicking my locker. Nothing worked.
Finally, Conner pushed himself off of the wall he was resting on and spoke up. "What's the combo?"
"5-8-35," I replied. "But nothing works. I've tried it all." Not bothering to respond, Conner simply tried the combination once again. After that failed (he really couldn't listen, could he? Of course it failed), he fished for something in his pocket.
I had to stand on the tips of my toes to see over his shoulder. Conner had gotten out a bent paperclip and was using it to pick the lock. I huffed. Of course it would be like that no-good slacker to learn how to pick locks, I thought. He's probably a thief while he's ignoring his homework.
Within seconds, the lock clicked open. Conner stepped back and I pulled the locker door open. Inside...
"Huh?" I said, looking in the locker. "W-where is it?!" The locker was full of basketball posters and a pair of ratty shoes. The backpack hung on a rusty hook, and the black and red with a famous brand name in bold was definitely not my style. Still, I opened the bag, because my mother taught me that you never know what may happen. Unfortunately, it was just an empty backpack. I viciously slammed the locker shut again.
"Geez, what is with you today?" Conner exploded. "I thought you were supposed to be this nice kid who minds her own business! But no, you had to get involved in this- this-"
"What make you think that this is all my fault?" I retorted. "I was just having the worst day of my life, my dreams have been crushed, and now this happens and I'm stuck in this messed up place with you, of all people!"
Conner opened his mouth to say something again, but instead looked away. That only served to make me angrier, and I started yelling again. "Did you hear me? Look at me when I'm talking to you! All I want is my novel, a little respect, and for you to stop antagonizing me! That's it! Is that too much to ask?"
Suddenly quiet again, Conner only pointed to the walls. They were shifting back and forth from the ugly blue I had always known and the new, bright green color. Then they suddenly switched to the normal blue-grey and stayed that way.
I looked at Conner. "Oh snap," I said quietly.
End of chapter
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Ah, I am back to read and review the second chapter of this amazing novel of yours!
Let's begin.
Just doesn't really seem too correct. Try rearranging it, maybe. Something like:
"A display of his bad personality even at a time like this." I don't know. Just a friendly suggestion.
Ky is younger, isn't she? I mean, how is she controlling her life? Maybe because she's too annoying or something?
Make it more real and awesome. Include a phrase to describe her feelings.
Something like "To my surprise, it didn't work." Anything to make it look even neater.
And the quote of her mother was awesome. I'll keep that in mind. xD
It should be "makes" not "make". A mini grammar error.
In that second last paragraph, if I was Conner, I would have said that yes, it was too much to ask for. lol
Pretty neat! I rarely found any problem with the story or any description. But hey! Please try to tell us how the main character, Ella, Kylie and Conner looks like. Try to build a bit of their picture for us. That'd be really helpful, maybe not for you, but for us.
Overall, it's amazing. The suspense is there and so is my interest. I am reading this novel till the very end. Can't wait to see the next chapter!!!
Oh snap.
Well, that happened. So now the school has glitching walls, that's interesting. And whilst the school has glitching walls, Ella wants her novel back? Which was already in shreds? I think they have more pressing matters at hand, I think I'm a chapter late but why is Connor so confident? Does he know where he's going? Just a few questions for you to chew on.
Just because he rolled his eyes, doesn't mean that his personality is bad. You want to be more concise with your wording here, I'd say replace it with impatience. But the action of rolling his eyes already speaks volumes so that entire follow up part is actually redundant. Nix it. If you're ever in doubt of what to write and what not to write, omit it, see if if makes a difference or not. If not, then you don't need it. It's just clogging up your story.
Personal opinion, instead of Ella huffing about Conner's not-so-well spent time
(I actually quite like lock-picking, I'd pick the trade if I would.)I would rather you use this moment for Ella to think about past history with Connor which would also give us insight as to why they're enemies. Or her sight about this current situation or what might be happening.No need for the adverb here, slammed already implies that it's vicious.
And here I thought they were childhood enemies who haven't spoken to each other for ages. And he thinks that she's a nice kid? I feel that they're both focusing on the wrong issue at hand, shouldn't they be more concentrated on as to what exactly is happening and how to solve it? Well for one, we now know that Ella is very protective over her novel and gets defensive very quickly.
Suddenly quiet again? Connor wasn't shouting in the first place, I'd say that Ella noticed the sudden silence or the change in atmosphere. Nix the 'only' there and you're good.
Overall, I think you've got a good idea here but you need to add some more description in, be more concise with your wording and definitely think about your character interactions in regards to the current situation.
I hope I wasn't too harsh, if you've got any questions, please feel free to ask me.
-Flite
I would enjoy more detailing. Describe the emotions, tensions, or thoughts more vividly. I love your style of writing, and I think it has very good flow!
Original
Edited
The school walls were painted green and white.
I stopped just outside the door leading into class, and stared. The walls had been a dull shade of blue-grey for as long as I've attended this school- which, in my mind, was forever.
Original
Edited
It wasn't that I couldn't be fast; I just haven't participated in any kind of sport since my parents had died.
Original
Edited
"Huh?" I said, looking into the locker.
"W-where is it?!"
The locker was full of basketball posters and a pair of ratty shoes. The backpack hung on a rusty hook; black and red, with a famous brand name in bold. It was definitely not my style.
Still, I opened the bag out of hope; because my mother taught me that you never know what may happen. Unfortunately, it was just an empty backpack.
I viciously slammed the locker shut again.
Well this is an interesting story that's for sure, a school with color changing walls, where stuff randomly appears and disappears or changes. And of course a guy in literally every sport is a slacker with bad habits. It's literally impossible to have enough time in a school day for that many sports teams. Plus 99% of jocks are dumb slackers with bad personalities, she should have known that. But using a paperclip to pick locks is easier than most people think, any modern day keyhole can be picked that way. Older ones in the mid 20th century and prior are another story.

Anyway good story, I look forward to your next chapter.