Starfall - Chapter 1.1 (Elliott)

by Que

**Author's Note: This was totally last year's NaNo! So all the breaks between chapter segments are pretty rough because I kind of just chopped it up so that all y'all didn't have to deal with really long pieces all at once. The majority of the first chapter is flashback, hence the italics, sorry about that in advance, haha. Anyway, the beginning (and the whole thing) might be kind of rough, but I hope you enjoy!!**

Elliott knew what she had seen. Even here, waiting outside of the office of Evelyn Marq, she remembered. It was now a whole decade ago, when she was ten and her sister only seven...


“Don’t leave the river!” Gwendolyn had warned her. Always following the rules. “You know the ocean is forbidden.”


“The shallows aren’t,” Elliott had replied evasively, all the while inching further in. The ocean stood before her, wide, shimmering, blue. It was fed by the little river where they were standing, all fresh water. As Elliott took another step out, Gwendolyn lunged for her. Though she was young, she excelled at sports and Elliott knew that she would soon be caught and their mother would know. Elliot just stood there, waiting, bracing her knees. Because there was only one thing that she could do better and faster than Gwen. As her little sister leapt at her, Elliott leapt into the sky.


Her great black wings unfurling, she plunged forwards, out towards the ocean, skimming the water. Gwendolyn, behind her, gave a frustrated cry as she tripped and began to fly herself. Elliott kept her ears open for the wing beats behind her, though she kept her gaze ahead. She knew she was the faster flier, simply because her wings were more fully developed, but she didn’t want to risk it. After a while, all sounds save for her own breathing and wingbeat faded into nothing. She was alone. She was over the ocean.


Looking around, Elliott could see only the blue horizon created by the ocean. White puffs of clouds were scattered here and there, but most importantly, there were no other people. No land. She was free. Whooping in joy, Elliott had somersaulted in the air, flipping around to dive headlong into the clear water. She was immersed in the water, enjoying the wondrous feeling of ocean all around, but then the sensation stopped. It was almost as if she had resurfaced.


Elliott opened her eyes to see herself out of the water. Air swept past her face, pulling at her long black hair. Falling. She was falling. Finally collecting herself, Elliott snapped open her wings, immediately drying and safely carrying her on the wind. Her heartbeat evened out- she hadn’t realized how worried she was. She wasn’t meant to fall. Looking around, she had seen a bright city, as bright as the sun, and a vast expanse of roads, hills, and land. Land as far as the eye could see.


Curiosity overtook all of her other senses, and Elliott turned downwards. A bank of clouds hung thick over the city, but the hillsides a little ways off appealed in some way to Elliott, like even then, she knew where she had to go.


Lower and lower she flew, as if in a trance. The green, earthy hillsides were like nothing she had ever seen. In Silea, everything seemed so airy- which made sense, because everyone flew. But, still. Elliott herself being so imaginative, with her head in the clouds, this entire place seemed foreign to her. It was foreign to her.


Suddenly, she spotted a figure on a hill. Peering closer, she could see that it was a person, a person without wings. A shock went through her heart; those who had no wings were the exiles, the ones who had betrayed their benevolent country, those who had had their wings cut from their backs. Could this be one?


Circling ever closer, Elliott discerned that is was a boy, seemingly close to her own age. He had beautiful red-blond wavy hair and was sitting at the top of the hill, one hand resting on a sketchpad and the other holding a pencil. He had stared out at the sunset, and it seemed as if he had been that way forever.


Holding in her breath, Elliott had slowly tucked in her wings, bit by bit, and landed behind the boy. How softly she had landed, and yet he turned. He didn’t seem surprised that she was there, his brown eyes looking steadily at her. He moved slowly, as if afraid that he would startle her like a wild animal. Which, if anything, he was more than she.


“Kalla,” he said in a warm, soft voice. Elliott’s mind spun like wheels in her head. She had heard that there were other races, other kinds of people, long ago. They had spoken different languages, and their people had served as translators. They had long retained their ability to learn languages almost instantaneously. Though Elliott had never been able to use it, she felt sure that if the boy spoke but a few more sentences, she would be able to start speaking the language herself.


She hadn’t notice the boy stand up, but now he was standing very close to her. She looked around once more at all of the hills, the distant city, the lights. She took a step closer. Suddenly, a voice called out from over the hill.


“Matthias!” The shout came once, twice. “Matthias!” Elliott’s head snapped in that direction, and her heart’s beat quickened again. A man began to appear from the side of the hill, and Elliott’s wings flew up in a great burst of wind. The boy might be harmless enough, but the man? He could’ve been one of the staalan. The outcasts. With this fear came other fears, about her sister and mother, and how long she had been gone. Her curiosity, like a flame, guttered and died. She should go. She should have been gone. With a final glance at the boy, she took to the air once more, now uncertain of how to get home.

Up and up she flew, without a backward glance, and then there was water all around her. Then she was out, out, and back into familiar skies. Elliott breathed in great breaths of the fresh air, turning and wheeling in the silky dark blue night. Home. She needed to go home. Flying smoothly now, she let the stars guide her back as her mind wandered. Where was that place she had gone? Who was that boy? And the man? Who built the city? Before she could come to any decent conclusions, she was there.
The tiered building was where she lived with her mother, sister, and several other families. There was a landing tongue at each tier, one for each family. Hers was the top floor, but there was no need to go there tonight. A crowd had gathered below. They shouted out and pointed as Elliott approached, landing in the midst of them where they had cleared a place for her. Her mother swooped her into her arms immediately, before anyone could talk to her. They flew up to the top floor.


“Elliott Harq Dire,” her mother said. This was not the voice she used with punishments; this was the voice she used when she was tired, resigned, giving up. But who was she giving up on? 

Comments & reviews · 3
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ExOmelas
Review

Hey there, decided I'm gonna try and follow this novel (or at least get the other three chapters out the Green Room xD)

Nit-picks and nice moments:

Though she was young, she excelled at sports and Elliott knew that she would soon be caught and their mother would know.

I'm not really sure if this sentence makes logical sense. How does getting caught lead to their mother knowing? Is there something on her body that Gwendolyn touching would reveal? Actually if it's that then the suspense is probably right. In fact maybe I should keep reading for a bit. Although actually if it is the effect I'm thinking of you probably want to take a new paragraph at the end of that sentence for full impact.

the blue horizon created by the ocean

wee bit clunky there

Whooping in joy

I would probably say "with" rather than "in"

Elliott opened her eyes to see herself out of the water. Air swept past her face, pulling at her long black hair. Falling. She was falling.

Wait, did she fall up the way?

Overall:

The other day when my flatmate and I were watching great british bake off he said something along the lines of the fact that you get credited more for creative and original baking ideas than the exact technical execution. I think this is a really important sentiment to remember, especially when looking at a NaNo. I literally just told someone that it would be wrong to expect something up to your usual standards because it's almost impossible to maintain quality when you're writing that fast. This chapter is a really interesting idea, and that's what makes me want to read more.

Obviously you still need to know what to work on though. Firstly, there's a bit of a gap that at least needs acknowledged. Why today? If Elliott is curious by nature, what is it about this day that sees her finally fly away to explore? The moment I mentioned in my first nit-pick is I think the clue, but I don't really have a way to connect those two things in my mind. I know you want to keep an element of mystery, but just a teensy bit more of a hint would be good.

There's also the rather choppy transition into the flashback. I don't think we gain very much from that sentence so it might even be worth just having this bit as straightforward story then a flashforward to whatever it is that happens later than this.

However, you're really good at giving the chapter a really languid, lyrical feel that makes sense given it's talking about someone flying through the air. Other than the moment I've mentioned, you give us the right amount of information to hook us in but not satisfy us. This is also extremely useful and is one of the reasons I'll be coming back for the next chapter. (I mean as a KotGR I'd have been coming anyway but I'm genuinely happy about it :P)

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)

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Virgil
Review
Virgil wrote a review · Tue Oct 03, 2017 5:22 pm

Dang, four chapters in the Green Room at once? Nice job on doing that much editing, Falc! I don't believe that I've followed a novel of yours before but I'm certainly interested in the activity because I enjoyed the poem about Morse Code that you posted recently and other poetry of yours in the past so why not delve into your prose, yes? With that being said, let's begin.

The way that the novel begins is a little perplexing? I expected there to be a flashback or flashbacks in this chapter because I read the Author's Note but I certainly didn't expect to see the flashback two sentences into the novel. Instead of having those two opening sentences direct us towards the flashback, begin with the flashback. Don't even place us in the present if you're going to give us a flashback almost immediately afterward. Especially since this flashback ends up lasting oh...about the whole gosh darn chapter! Note that the 'gosh darn' and exclamation mark are both for comedic effect, but I'm serious about that. Explain the italics in the opening being a flashback and cut out the first two sentences entirely.

“Don’t leave the river!” Gwendolyn had warned her. Always following the rules. “You know the ocean is forbidden.”


Furthermore, I also want to talk about the awkward diction here. "Always following the rules." is the sentence that I'm talking about in particular and I'd suggest rewording this for a better outcome because the word 'always' usually isn't the best word to begin a sentence. I do have to say that the beginning of the novel is interesting and brought my mind to Moana almost because going too far out in that movie is a forbidden practice as well. As for parts of the chapter that I enjoyed--I enjoyed both the description of the ocean (or any body of water in this chapter) and the premise although I admit I'm confused. What type of creatures are the main characters? Are these characters humanoid? Are these characters angels of some sort? What are the wings like? What function do they have if any?

Exiles seems to infer that these characters are a type of angel because their wings are cut off if they betray their country. What country is this? Do different countries have different races? I wanted to know more about the background of this world before being plunged into this new world. I felt this to move rather quickly and while this is well-written, I can't say that I'm following the whole way. Can I perhaps have a summary of the chapter/world so I have a general idea of what's going on for my thoughts to be confirmed because I sometimes have a hard time following novels. Anyway, this is solid although there can definitely be fixes made and there's definitely not enough to judge this as a novel only reading the first part of the first chapter but the pacing feels a little quick since I wanted to see the world we started off in more.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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Hi Kays!
Thank you so much for taking the time to review this. I totally see what you mean about the flashback (especially since it%u2019s even longer than this), I%u2019ll just make that the first chapter instead.

Basically, they%u2019re just humanoids with wings, except they have hollow bones and such so that they can physically fly. I%u2019m sorry about all the lack of worldbuilding; because it was for NaNo, I was sort of developing it on the fly. All the people on that world are winged, but not any type of angel, and I had an idea about the country, but now that you say it, it doesn%u2019t make sense and I think I%u2019m going to reconsider.

Also, do you want me to summarize all four parts or just this part or the world in general? I%u2019d be happy to!

Ugh thank you for helping me out here, I%u2019m definitely going to do some work on this!

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Panikos
Review
Panikos wrote a review · Tue Oct 03, 2017 3:39 pm

Hi, Querencia! Pan here to review.

First Impressions

It's a solid, interesting opening. Like you said, it's a bit rough around the edges in places, but generally speaking the writing is fluent and nice to read. I love anything to do with alternate worlds and cultures; you've got some lovely little snatches of worldbuilding here - the shock Elliott feels when she sees someone without wings, for example. I think your pacing is pretty good as well; it isn't rushed and it isn't dragging. My only major concern at the minute is probably getting the originality across, but I'll talk about that a little later in the review.

Small Comments

As Elliott took another step out, Gwendolyn lunged for her. Though she was young, she excelled at sports and Elliott knew that she would soon be caught and their mother would know.


1) It's not completely clear whether 'she' refers to Gwendolyn or Elliott here. I'm guessing it's Gwendolyn, but I think you should make it more evident.

2) I don't really get what you mean by the part in red. What does Gwendolyn's sporting talent have to do with anything? Do you mean that she's fast, so she'll be able to catch Elliott and stop her going further out? Also, if Elliott is worried about her mother finding out she waded out into the shallows, why would she fly all the way out to sea? Surely that would only make things worse.

As her little sister leapt at her, Elliott leapt into the sky.


Maybe switch up the verbs a bit just to get rid of the repetition.

Looking around, Elliott could see only the blue horizon created by the ocean.


I feel like that last bit is unnecessary, seeing as we know she's out over the ocean.

No land. She was free. Whooping in joy, Elliott had somersaulted in the air,


Occasionally you slip into the past perfect tense even though the rest of the piece is in past simple, so just watch that. I can see why you're doing it, seeing as you're writing this as a flashback, but check for it in editing.

She was immersed in the water, enjoying the wondrous feeling of ocean all around


I'd try to be a bit more evocative in your description here. 'Wondrous' is a very subjective word, so it doesn't tell us anything specific about how the water actually feels. Is it cold? Do fish glance and ripple against her skin? Does the water drags through her feathers (I'm assuming her wings are feathered)? Give us more specific details about the sensation of the water, because it will make it a lot more engaging to read.

A shock went through her heart; those who had no wings were the exiles, the ones who had betrayed their benevolent country, those who had had their wings cut from their backs. Could this be one?


Even though I love the ideas here, I think you've a bit on the nose in how you present them. It feels like you're hammering too much exposition in at once and it's a bit unnatural. If you kept had something like:

Shock pulsed through her heart. An exile?

It's a bit more subtle. Of course, it's only an example, but it is a good idea not to put too much exposition in too soon. Try to clarify less. You can delve more into exiles later in the story, when the situation is more fitting.

Her curiosity, like a flame, guttered and died.


I like this comparison. It's a lovely image.

She should go. She should have been gone.


The tense is off in the first sentence, and I don't much like the expression in the second. It's cumbersome. Something like this might work:

She needed to go. She should never have landed.

turning and wheeling in the silky dark blue night.


Lovely description, but I'd personally stick a comma in after 'silky'. Or fiddle with the word order a little - something like 'dark, silky night' might be a little smoother. Completely your call, though - I'm being very picky.

There was a landing tongue at each tier


I love the phrase 'landing tongue' - I've never heard it before, but it lets me picture what you mean perfectly.

That's all for the small comments. Take that as a good sign - I usually find a lot more nitpicks than that! :)

Overall Comments

1) The first thing I'd suggest is that you don't write this as a flashback. The actual introduction to the flashback feels insubstantial and pointless to me, more like a note-to-self than an actual part of the narrative. If you started the story with "Don't leave the river!" Gwendolyn warned her., I think it would actually be better, because it seems to me that Elliott visiting the other world is the inciting incident. You can just jump forwards in time when the narrative calls for it.

2) The moment where the water disappears and Elliott finds herself falling through the air needs to be stronger. That passage lacks a bit of urgency for me - I don't really feel her panic, and the actual description of how it feels to move from one world to another isn't vivid enough. I had to read it a second time before I understood what had actually happened. The transition isn't foregrounded enough. Try to delve a bit more into the specifics of what happens - use all of the senses, especially ones like touch and sound.

3) As I mentioned at the beginning, I'm not completely sure that this idea stands out at the moment. There's nothing notably wrong with it, and it is generally well written, but the concept of a fantasy story where the protagonist discovers another world feels like something that has been done quite a lot. That doesn't mean it needs changing, but you might want to integrate a different kind of spin on the idea, some kind of second plot element that makes it stand out more.

This problem may also be solved by integrating a bit more jeopardy. At the moment, there's something somewhat pedestrian about how Elliott finds the other world - I don't really feel much anxiety or apprehension for her, because she doesn't encounter any conflict when she gets there. She just discovers a new world and then comes home without much bother. If she got into some kind of trouble when she was in this world, it might make for a more memorable, standout opening chapter, even if said trouble was only small-scale. You know the story better than I ever could, so you'll have more of an idea how you could inject a bit more excitement into the opening.

I'll call the review there! I hope this helped. I'd like to review the next instalments as well, but I'm bogged down with university work and personal writing at the minute so I apologise if I don't get round to it. The opening is good in outline, but it needs to be a bit more variable when it comes to conflict and drama, because there's not quite enough going on in it to hold my interest yet. That's the kind of thing you iron out in redrafting though, so don't worry about it. There's definitely more good than bad in this piece.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan

Thank you so much for really getting into this, and giving me things to think about while revising!! :D Great points.



"Honestly, I think the world is going to end bloody. But it doesn't mean we shouldn't fight. We do have choices."
— Dean Winchester