Starfall - Chapter 1.3 (Elliott)

by Que

Elliott knew she had to be in for something awful this time. She had been called away from training, which meant it had to be something important. Marq usually tried to bring her into the office when she was eating or enjoying her minimal free time. She knew very well it was the little things that caused the most pain. Rather than dwelling on what she could’ve done in the last week, however, she was thinking back to the day she met the boy with red-golden hair. Why was she taking this trip back down memory lane now of all times? Maybe because that was the way it started, and something in her subconscious told her that maybe this time, General Marq would end her. At least she’d get some relief. She’d heard death was peaceful.

Just as she was snorting at the thought, the door swung inwards and a crisp, impatient voice called, “Come in.” Elliott quickly straightened her training clothes- still streaked with dirt, but decent enough- and walked in, standing sharply before General Marq’s colossal chair. It wasn’t customary in Silea, but one thing the general loved was power- and flaunting it.


Trying to avoid the general’s piercing gaze, Elliott casually slid her eyes to the left, where she was startled to find Jude staring back at her. Though he was General Marq’s son, he neither looked nor acted anything like her. He had bright crimson hair and blue eyes that were brighter and kinder than his mother’s. He was arrogant and loud and extravagant, but he was her best friend. He wasn’t subject to the strict training regimens, diet, uniforms, or rules that General Marq had set in place. He still hung out with them, though, and they let him in. Elliott never had told him of her past with his mother. He had probably guessed a little, though probably not correctly. Her friends would never give away her secret either- they knew all too well how much her friendship with Jude meant to her.


Right now, he was wearing a perfectly spotless uniform, which meant he had time to prepare for this meeting. Odd, Elliott thought. Her anxiety increased as at last she met Evelyn Marq’s stare.


“Everything said in this room will be confidential,” Evelyn said. It was the customary introduction, though rarely followed. “It has come to my attention that there is another world that is somehow connected to ours- through the ocean.”


Elliott stiffened. She had long since divulged any information from that night, and the General and her advisors had always considered it a hallucination. Why would they bring it up now?


“Not only my attention,” General Marq continued, hair perfectly braided, “but to the Chief Militaire. He has chosen us to send a mission to the other world, on reconnaissance, to explore this place and any beings that may exist there.” She held up a document with an official seal, dangling it from her fingers before letting it drop back onto her desk. Elliott’s heart was pounding very loudly now. The Chief Militaire was in charge of their whole nation. He ruled with kindness, but absolute power. He only delegated his great power to the Grand Generals- that meant General Marq. They each ruled over their own section in military style. The Chief Militaire himself was very talented in the military, and his great-grandfather had united all of the nations, back when other nations still existed. No one remembered that time. If he had heard about this…


“I am gifting you, Jude, with this mission, as our greatest captain. You may choose whom to bring with you, but Elliott is required, as she has been there before.” General Marq looked calmly at both of them, and Jude nodded serenely, but Elliott caught his slight twitch of surprise. She was certain that the General saw it too- there was nothing which she did not see, most especially if it was something she could use to her advantage.


Elliott didn’t know what it was, but something made her want to protect that one moment of her life from prying eyes, from the people who would steal everything from her. “No,” she said. She almost didn’t mean for it to come out. Almost.


General Marq cocked her head to the side and set her pen down. “No,” she repeated, almost mockingly. “Jude, you may leave.” This time, she definitely saw Jude hesitate. “Now.” Jude shook his head at Elliott, ever so slightly, and exited the room. A warning not to make things worse than they were. Marq turned the full attention of her silent wrath to Elliott, waiting.


“What if I won’t go with them on the mission? What if I don’t remember the way?” Elliott jutted her chin defiantly, ready to take on the witch.


“Really now. I thought your so called ‘freedom’ meant more to you. I thought I knew you better. I nearly raised you for ten years.” Her words seemed friendly, but her face stayed sharp. “Imagine if you mysteriously died, or your mother, or your sister. I could take your wings, send you somewhere you would never return from. It’s better this way.” Elliott looked down at her hands. How could she have thought to defy this monster? Her life was in the General’s hands. Her family. She stayed silent. “Then I take it you’ll agree. If you succeed, you will only have forty-nine more missions until you are free. If.”


It was clear that Elliott was dismissed. She left the room as quickly as she could, then sagged against the closed door. She ran her hands through her short, ragged hair as she exhaled in a huge breath.


“You’ve got to stop doing that, Looney,” Jude said. Elliott looked up to see him standing in front of her, his hands on his knees so he could bend down to face her. “If you act like this, Mother won’t invite you to her next party.”


Elliott huffed out a laugh and smiled. Jude could always make her smile. “She’s never invited me to one of her parties in her life! I think the only party of hers I would be able to attend is her funeral.” Realizing who she was talking to, she covered her mouth. “Oh my stars. I am so sorry.” Jude smiled, but she saw the shadow pass over his eyes.


“I’ll let it slide. I know she’s harder on you, so it makes sense. Heck, even I want to kill her sometimes. But…” he knelt down and touched Elliott gently on the shoulder. “Why didn’t you tell me? About the other world?”


Elliott glanced to the side. “I… I couldn’t. I didn’t tell anyone.” She knew that Jude was sensitive, she knew she should tell him everything so she wouldn’t hurt him further, but somehow she couldn’t. She had kept this secret too long. After a moment of silence, Jude stood up, and she could feel his true nature slip back under his outward curtain.


“Well, come on then, Troublemaker.” His hand was held out towards her, and Elliott looked up at him helplessly, trying to show him what she felt through her eyes. But his shell had come up, and his face deflected all her attempts under an ever-present grin. Sometimes she used to think he was in love with himself so much he was always happy and boasting. After a moment, Elliott took the proffered hand and stood up. Together, they walked to the tongue of the hallway. Elliott looked once more at Jude, who suddenly grinned.


“Bet I can beat you back to the mess hall!” he called, sprinting out the window and taking off at incredible speed. Elliott shook herself out of amazement; she had seen him fly many times. She took of after him, but did not follow him. Lucky for her, she knew the secret routes to the mess hall, having had to sneak in or out far too many times.


Outside, the air was crisp and the sky was bright. All of Silea was gorgeous- water on most sides, and pale patches of grass inbetween which supported the towering trees they made their houses out of. The whole place felt as light as air, and it worked so well with flying. She had never considered that before the other world. 

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User avatar
Panikos
Review
Panikos wrote a review · Thu Oct 05, 2017 7:32 pm

Hi, Querencia! Pan back to review. I know I haven't reviewed the second part, but rest assured I have read it, so I am still up to date with everything that's happened. Let's dive straight into the nitpicks.

Nitpicks

She knew very well it was the little things that caused the most pain. Rather than dwelling on what she could’ve done in the last week, however, she was thinking back to the day she met the boy with red-golden hair.


This bit feels off to me for some reason. It's a bit out of nowhere; I'm not sure why she would be dwelling on what she could've done in the last week, because nothing leading up to that line seems to suggest she would be. Unless you mean that she's trying to figure out what she could've done wrong in the last week, as in she's trying to figure out the reason she's been called to the office. If that's the case, make it clearer, because at the moment it sounds like she's just contemplating what she wishes she could've done with her spare time.

At least she’d get some relief. She’d heard death was peaceful.

Just as she was snorting at the thought


Snorting? As in laughing? Why is she laughing at something so morbid?

standing sharply before General Marq


How do you stand sharply? Sharply suggests a way of moving to me, but standing is stationary. Do you mean she's standing rigidly?

It wasn’t customary in Silea


I'm a bit confused as to what 'it' refers to. Is the chair not customary in Silea? Or is Elliott standing in front of the chair not customary?

Elliott casually slid her eyes to the left, where she was startled to find Jude staring back at her.


I don't understand why she didn't notice Jude the moment she came into the room. Just because she wasn't looking right at him doesn't mean she wouldn't see him. You'd think her eyes would be drawn straight to him out of recognition.

He still hung out with them, though


You need to clarify who 'them' refers to because there's no prior mention. I'm guessing it's her friend group or battalion or something?

to explore this place and any beings that may exist there.”


The phrasing here makes it seem like they're going to explore the place and explore the beings. Which sounds like a worrying innuendo. Maybe just say 'explore this place and observe any beings that may exist there' or something similar.

Elliott didn’t know what it was, but something made her want to protect that one moment of her life from prying eyes, from the people who would steal everything from her. “No,” she said. She almost didn’t mean for it to come out. Almost.


Just be careful you don't overexplain the reasons behind what your characters do. Sometimes it's necessary, but other times it feels inappropriately tell-y, like we're being spoon-fed the story. By remaining outside of the characters' heads and describing their actions rather than their motivations, you make the reader feel more like they're witnessing the scene as if they were there.

“No,” she said. She almost didn’t mean for it to come out. Almost.


Not a nitpick. I liked this bit.

“Really now. I thought your so called ‘freedom’ meant more to you. I thought I knew you better. I nearly raised you for ten years.” Her words seemed friendly


There is absolutely nothing about these words that suggests friendliness to me, so this line doesn't really make sense.

“Imagine if you mysteriously died, or your mother, or your sister. I could take your wings, send you somewhere you would never return from. It’s better this way.” Elliott looked down at her hands. How could she have thought to defy this monster? Her life was in the General’s hands. Her family. She stayed silent. “Then I take it you’ll agree. If you succeed, you will only have forty-nine more missions until you are free. If.”


I think you need some line breaks in here because it gets a bit confusing to read. Something like:

“Imagine if you mysteriously died, or your mother, or your sister. I could take your wings, send you somewhere you would never return from. It’s better this way.”

Elliott looked down at her hands. How could she have thought to defy this monster? Her life was in the General’s hands. Her family. She stayed silent.

“Then I take it you’ll agree," Marq said. "If you succeed, you will only have forty-nine more missions until you are free. If.”


I've put in an addition in bold, as I think you need to signpost that Marq is the one speaking again.

She took of after him,


Just a typo.

Overall Thoughts

1) I like that this chapter injects more jeopardy and conflict into the story, as that seemed to be what was missing from the earlier parts. I'm also really excited at the prospect of a reconnaissance mission into the other world, because I'm looking forwards to knowing more about the whole realm and seeing how Elliott responds to it after so much time.

2) I think you definitely need to slow down a little on the pacing. You're throwing too much at us before we've had a chance to get to know the characters or the setting. I'd like you to spend more time delving into Elliott's everyday life in the military before you plunge straight into Marq springing the mission on her, because I don't really have a sense of the time she's spent there and how she's changed. I also want to get to know Jude earlier and see more evidence of his friendship with Elliott, because at the moment it feels like we're being informed of it rather than seeing it for ourselves. Just take a bit more time. Slow down. Pad the bones of the plot with a bit more flesh.

3) I find Marq a little...bland. She's just so evil, and I don't understand why she's got such a huge vendetta against Elliott. Not all villains have to have good sides - Roald Dahl is an example of someone who could write irredeemably bad protagonists brilliantly - but you have to be doing it intentionally to make it work, and I'm not sure it quite fits the rest of the story for her to be so one-dimensional. It's always a good idea to give villains some positive qualities, even if they are predominately terrible.

I think this is something else that could also be aided by slower pacing. If we got to see a bit more of Elliott's life training for the military, we could see the sour relationship develop between the two of them. At the moment, it feels like we've been hurtled into this rivalry and it doesn't come across as very believable.

4) Your writing is nice and clear for the most part, easy to read and quite lightly handled. However, I feel like it could do with a bit more flair. It might be because this story is in fairly early stages of drafting (I completely understand if you want to get plot organised before delving too much into style) but I never feel quite like I'm there in the scene. It might be due to a lack of description; you could definitely do with painting settings in more detail. Try to draw on all of the senses when you describe a scene, as well as providing specific details rather than general points. It will make your world so much more accessible.

I'll call the review there! I'll try to review part 1.4 soon, as I'm determined to keep up with this and see where it goes. I'm still liking the bones of the plot and feel like it's moving in the right direction, but I think it just needs a bit more padding on it so we get that lovely detail and world building we need.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan

User avatar
mellifera
Review

Hello Querencia! I'm back for another review!

It's exciting to see how the story is starting to progress, especially now that we're in the present now. I'm really interested to see how this pans out and you've done a great job so far at writing an engaging story!

I still, regrettably, have not read the first part, but I think I've gathered enough to kind of figure out what's going on.

I wanted to comment of Elliott and Jude's relationship. It feels...inconsistent? It says that they're best friends, but there's multiple times where it sounds like Elliott is almost still trying to work up to that, or like she's impressing him. To me, they feel more like friends than best friends, because their relationship seems sort of rocky right now, like they haven't had much development.


General Marq said, her hair perfectly braided.


This is an odd way to say this, because you make it sound as though, somehow, her hair has something to do with how she's speaking. I would have mentioned her hair being braided earlier or later, but it just doesn't work where it is right now because it isn't related to what she's talking about or how she's saying it.


Elliott casually slid her eyes to the left, where she was startled to find Jude staring back at her


Why is she startled? She just walked into the room, she was specifically summoned for this meeting, where else should he be looking right now? I don't know why she would be startled that Jude was looking at her.


Her life was in the General's hands. Her family.


I think I see what you're trying to get at here, but it doesn't sound right. I think you meant 'Her family's' or 'Her family's life', otherwise that second part doesn't really make sense.


Like I said, you have a great story and a great plot coming along. You've got some grammar mistakes, but nothing that can't be easily fixed. I think I'll try to stick around to see where you go with this story because I'm curious.

I hope you found this review helpful! If I offended you, it was not my intention.
Keep up the good work :D
-inky



i don't want to pass up an opportunity to be authentic for the opportunity to be profound
— soundofmind