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Grammatically Speaking

by Empires


Poetry: A collection of various terms

that remind me of you.

Noun. you are still a name to me, 

but no longer a Place.

Verb. I still do the things we used to do together. 

But now, dinner is always for one.

Adjective. There are no words left to describe your effect on me. 

Simile. When you left, I felt like I was in perpetual mourning.

Resolution: I guess I could always count instead. 


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Fri Mar 03, 2017 8:26 pm
HiImAndy wrote a review...



Hi, Andy here! As someone who doesn't take criticism all to well, I'm not here to criticize. I also believe that poetry is meant to be portrayed however the author sees fit. So if this is how you wanted me, as the reader to see this is what I see. This here is a very lovely poem that helps those who seek refuge in the art that is English to visualize the anatomy of a breakup. If someone were to ever ask me to describe a breakup, although my interpretation would be slightly different the concept would remain the same. In conclusion, I like what you have here, i read it multiple times, each time catching a different feel of the overall message. Keep up the good work, continue creating masterpieces. Byeee.




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Fri Mar 03, 2017 5:11 pm
alliyah wrote a review...



Hi Empires! :) Lovely poem you have here, I'll leave you with some of my thoughts.


Grammar
I believe I agree with Rachel32 that it really doesn't add much to capitalize "Place" so I would keep it lowercase unless you're going to capitalize another odd word. Another grammar thing: I think following the words "Noun", "Verb", "Adjective", "Simile" it would make more sense to have a or hyphen rather than a period.

Formatting
I think you have a really cool concept here, and the first 2 lines are just fabulous

" Poetry: A collection of various terms / that remind me of you."

This is just a great start, to just be defining elegant or literary terms in relation to another person. But as it goes on, I feel like you're somewhat stretching at the definitions and they feel less clever, and less cohesive.

I think it'd be interesting if you had longer spaces of prose in between the definitions so that this poem didn't feel so bleak, the full stops at the end of almost all the lines just make this poem feel very choppy. It's hard to feel connected to a poem that's form is just "word: definition, line break, word: definition, line break" it gets predictable, and by the end you aren't doing any thing that you haven't already accomplished with the first line, in other words, despite the word "resolution" at the end, we don't really go anywhere.

I liked how in the first line you gave a real definition of poetry, and then complicated it with the second line, I'm wondering if that could be done with your other terms as well. Like if for noun you said "a name given to a person or place / once given to you, although you're no longer a place" or just rephrased in some way that it could be read as an actual definition first.

Phrasing
I think you have some interesting language and images in this poem, but some didn't quite work for me, so let's go through the different phrases you have:
"you are still a name to me,/ but no longer a Place" - okay this is really interesting, and a unique thing to say, but I have no idea what it means. Are you just drawing attention to the subject's absence? I would love to see this metaphor expanded in some of the other examples and lines that you have.

"I still do the things we used to do together" -> I understand this but it's very vague, and difficult to connect to. I would try to get the word "things" out of the poem, because it's ambiguous and doesn't really fit with the language and tone of your piece.

"there are no words left to describe your effect on me" -> I love this, I think this is a strong specific line with a little bit of figurative language. It's a bit wordy to all go on one line, but it's nice.


"you ate my alphabet" is really.... unromantic to think about, at least for me, I'm just imagining someone eating a bunch of alphabet noodle soup, and it's funny, but I'm kind of lost on what it's literal interpretation would be.

"I felt like I was in perpetual mourning" - I feel like this line is just way too dramatic for the context of the piece. The reader already understands the speaker is sad, there is no need to spell it out so this line doesn't really add anything, but makes me wonder if they are exaggerating which takes away some of my sympathy. I think if you explained how the mourning or sadness really made the speaker feel, or had a different unique metaphor for being lost/sad/upset this line would be a lot stronger.

And then the last line:
"Resolution: I guess I could always count instead."
I am just lost as to what this means, I think you could use an extra line to clarify. Also if your very last line is going to be about counting, I would work to highlight the counting themes a bit more in the piece - there's some of it there, but I'm still lost as to how it all relates.

Overall
Overall I like your concept of a loss of a relationship changing how the speaker writes and interprets the words in their life. This is a really creative and rich idea. The poem starts out really strong, but by the end I don't know any concrete specifics of the speaker's relationship or loss that I can latch onto. I think there is a lot of potential for expansion in this piece, I think it also might be interesting if you tried to vary the tone, pacing, or format a bit more to make it less predictable. Rather than the whole poem having a sad tone, a few lines about the happiness from their relationship or a funny moment or any other emotion would just add another layer of meaning. Those are all just my thoughts though and ultimately you of course are the author. Thanks for sharing your piece and best of luck in all of your writing!

~alliyah




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Fri Mar 03, 2017 4:55 pm
MeisterChan wrote a review...



Hey, Empires! It's ScytheMeister here for a quick review! :)

First of all, I found it intriguing that you used grammar and writing techniques to portray the story, although I think it did take away the seriousness of the topic, but it certainly did add quirkiness which was thoroughly enjoyable.

It is a poem, first and foremost, but whilst reading I felt disconnected. I am not an expert on poetry, but the structure felt slightly defiant from its purpose, in my opinion. For example, where you have written the line "Noun. you are still a name to me, but no longer a Place." and "Verb. I still do the things we used to do together. But now, dinner is always for one."

I think one of my only concerns is the punctuation. I believe it should be "Noun: You are still a name to me, but no longer a place." and "Verb: I still do the things we used to do together, but now, dinner is always for one."

Not only that, there were slight grammatical errors within those lines, such as the "your" in the first line, it needs a capital "Y".

Personally (I may be wrong here, if so I apologise), I would have worded the first line differently.

I would have written: "Noun: You are nothing but a name to me, no longer a place." I just felt that the way the line is worded has a dramatic effect and the original line was a little too simplistic. (Again, I may be wrong).

Other than that, this was awesome! Great work! :D

Keep writing! <3

- ScytheMeister




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Fri Mar 03, 2017 4:53 pm
LonelyStar wrote a review...



Gosh I really loved this, and I totally feel it. I've totally felt that once especially about my ex... Anyways good job my suggestion is maybe put more detail into it? I'd really like to see more I know you'd do very good. Anyways as always I really hope to see more from you have a great day or night and keep writing.




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Fri Mar 03, 2017 8:08 am
Rachel32 wrote a review...



This is a good concept for a poem, but it does need a little editing/revising (I can never remember which is which) when it comes to grammar. Capitalize the Y in "you are still a name to me" and the B in "but no longer a place." Don't capitalize the P in place. You used the wrong affect/effect. Affect describes the action that causes an effect.

Other than those small grammar issues, you're doing quite well!




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Fri Mar 03, 2017 6:55 am
Empires says...



*I submitted this on my phone so the lines aren't as spaced out as I wanted them to be, so apologies I'll fix it later. Thanks!





The first thing I do when I have a good quote is always to put a goat in it. uwu
— Liminality