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by Empires


My father taught me what a long distance
relationship is; now all men look
transparent to me. 



We got along, but we didn't get along. 
You were my very own
Garden of Eden,
living on borrowed time
which I never got back.
My womb will tell you
the story of how
she became a barren land. 



I needed you, but you just wanted me,
and together, we were a ghost town.
You left me empty,
while you immersed yourself
with my gold.  



My father taught me what a long distance
relationship is; now all men look
transparent to me.


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71 Reviews

Points: 5933
Reviews: 71

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Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:04 pm
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crobbins wrote a review...



Hey, crobbins here for a review!

So I saw this under the new members tab in the Green Room! Congratulations on joining YWS! It takes a lot of courage to put your work out in public for others to see.

So, let's get into the nit-picks!

I have to say, I wasn't a big fan of the spacing used here. Spacing and formatting preferences are different to everyone. (Just because I don't like it doesn't mean someone else won't!) I just found the line breaks to be a little forced at times.

Also, I agree with DrLavender that I got a tad bit confused with the second paragraph you wrote: "We got along, but we didn't get along.
You were my very own
Garden of Eden,"
I agree that the pronouns "we" and "you" were a bit too ambiguous since you talked about two people in your opening paragraph. This is a very hard thing to get down in poetry, since it often covers a variety of topics in a short amount of characters.

That's all I found for spelling and grammar/formatting issues!

I really liked this piece! I think anyone who has had a long distance or internet relationship can relate to this. People sometimes hide who they really are by the distance they have from you.

Here are some lines I really liked from your piece:

"I needed you, but you just wanted me..." I think most people can relate to this. We have all loved or needed someone in our lives while they were just along for the ride. I think this is what makes me like your piece so much, lines like this are so relatable and draw the reader in. It makes me intrigued and makes me want to keep reading.

"You were my very own
Garden of Eden,
living on borrowed time..."
Again, these lines are relatable. We have all experienced something like this. Maybe in the form of a friend who is nice one day then ignores you, or a lover who leaves in what seems like just a day.

I also loved how you started and ended the poem with the same lines:
"My father taught me what a long distance
relationship is; now all men look
transparent to me."
I think by doing this, you brought a sense of closure to the reader.

So overall, great job! I really liked your piece! I'd love to read more of your work!

-crobbins




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27 Reviews

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Reviews: 27

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Sun Feb 26, 2017 8:12 am
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DrLavender wrote a review...



Hey Empires! DrLavender here to do a review for you! Let's get into this - I'm going to be going by each passage.

My father taught me what a long distance
relationship is; now all men look
transparent to me.


A great opening line! Already, you've caught my interest and I'm wanting to read more.

We got along, but we didn't get along.
You were my very own
Garden of Eden,
living on borrowed time
which I never got back.
My womb will tell you
the story of how
she became a barren land.


Hmm, I'm a little bit confused in this. You now begin talking to the reader in the second-person narrative, when your first passage was in the first-person narrative. I'm also confused on who you're referring to as "You". Is "you" your father? Perhaps it's a lover who this piece is addressed to?

I needed you, but you just wanted me,
and together, we were a ghost town.
You left me empty,
while you immersed yourself
with my gold.


Okay, now I get a better understanding of this. It IS a lover after all, at least from how I see it. Should I be writing reviews at 12:09 AM in the morning? Probably not. Anyway, okay, this clears it up! A small suggestion though, which I think might be of use to you. Instead of saying "while you immersed yourself", I think you should consider "yet you immersed yourself". I think that would work better.

My father taught me what a long distance
relationship is; now all men look
transparent to me.


Ending your piece the same way you started it - clever! I love it!

Alright, and that leads us to the end! I loved this piece, it was well written and I had a good time reading it overall! I hope my review can be of at least some help to you. If not, I understand, but hopefully it will! Hope to see more of your works on here!




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17 Reviews

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Fri Feb 24, 2017 9:25 pm
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CrimsonQuill wrote a review...



Hey there, Empires. Crimson here with a review!

I'd like to first say that as someone who has been in a LDR for several years, this is intensely interesting to me, not least because my partner has had several similar less-successful relationships in the past, and it reminds me heavily of her tales of those.

My father taught me what a long distance
relationship is, now all men look
transparent to me.
This is a very interesting line, and it intrigues me, but it also seems to say something rather... Sad, I think... as well. The comma here and in the closing verse would probably be better off as a semicolon; as it is, you've got a comma splice.

We got along, but we didn't get along.
You were my very own garden
of Eden living on borrowed time
which I never got back. My womb
will tell you the story of how she became
a barren land.
You are very clearly able to communicate the emotion attached to these memories, so congrats for that. It's something many people struggle with. I do feel like this stanza would read better if you broke the second line after 'my very own' to put Garden of Eden on its own line.
As a suggestion also, breaking the following lines in this fashion might read better for your purposes:
which I never got back.
My womb will tell you
the story of how she
became a barren land.

In the end, it is of course up to you as only you know. The true intent of the poem.

You left me empty, while you immersed yourself
with my gold.
Finally, I think this would read a little smoother if you broke the line before 'immersed', to keep that fragment of the sentence's idea on the same line.

Overall, given my own experience, this has a wonderfully poignant feeling, and you convey emotion pretty well.

It was fun to read! Keep at it!

Cheers,

Crimson




Empires says...


Thank you



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276 Reviews

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Fri Feb 24, 2017 9:18 pm
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rosette wrote a review...



Hi Empires. This is pkid just dropping in for a quick review. I'm glad to see you're getting back in the swing of writing - hopefully, you'll stick. ; )

This was a very short and simple piece, something like a free verse, but it conveyed a deeper message than what meets the eye. I agree with your words - a lot of men are transparent, but I feel like there needed to be more. You end and begin with the same stanza, inserting two in the middle. There needs to be additional substance, to emphasize your feelings and his worthlessness and define this poem in a much better light. Don't get me wrong - I liked it. Especially that third stanza. It was phenomenal and you're awesome. ....But overall it just appeared to be lacking... more.

A Few Other Things:

1. You say: My father taught me what a long distance relationship is, but you fail to mention how he did this. He taught her (or you, or whoever this is) but that is all we know. You don't go into detail, the hows and whys, which need to be there.

2. This poem is overall talking about one dude who messed up the narrator, yet you say now all men look transparent to me. But you weren't speaking about men in general, just one person.

3. One statement here put me in a puzzle. My womb
will tell you the story of how she became
a barren land.
Um. I don't quite know what you mean by this. How does your womb tell the story? Maybe its just me confused over here. I don't read poetry too much. But if you could explain this, that would be great.

Aaand, I do believe that is all I have to say for today! I hope you found this helpful in SOME way and if you got any questions, just let me know! : )
Good luck & Keep up your writing!
-TheKid

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Fri Feb 24, 2017 8:57 pm
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Lily708 wrote a review...



Hey,It's Lily here for a review.

You've penned a really beautiful poem.I like the title which fits into your poem perfectly.
This time I'd like to review the poem piece by piece.

"My father taught me what a long distance
relationship is, now all men look
transparent to me."

This stanza sounds good,but I think the writing format can be worked upon

"We got along, but we didn't get along.
You were my very own garden
of Eden living on borrowed time
which I never got back. My womb
will tell you the story of how she became
a barren land. "

I know you have a deep meaning for the first sentence you used here,but it isn't quite clear...did it have to be something like "We got along,but we didn't really get along".Well..that was just my conclusion but go ahead with whatever you think best,'cause I know you simply didn't use that sentence,had a deep meaning.

"I needed you, but you just wanted me,
and together, we were a ghost town.
You left me empty, while you immersed yourself
with my gold."
I didn't understand the meaning of both the phrases"we were a ghost town" and "...with my gold." in this context.
Wait..I think I got it..."You left me empty, while you immersed yourself
with my gold. " Does that mean the character here is just being used?..Okay,but I still am not able to figure out the ghost town part.:l

"My father taught me what a long distance
relationship is, now all men look
transparent to me."

I liked the way you used those same lines at the opening and ending of your poem.It makes the readers stress upon long distance relationships,which in this case has regret I guess.

Overall...your poem is awesome,The way you used words like "Garden of Eden","barren land" etc.,. gives a narrative look to your poem.It is descriptive indeed!!

@Empires..Loved your poem.
Looking forward to your other incredible works too.
-Lily^_^





Who knows anything about anyone, let alone themselves.
— Hank Green