Everyone has some kind of habit.
It may be biting nails, or making lists;
I count things.
I count the times we spend together,
I count the moments our eyes meet,
I count the number of steps we take,
I count the great heights my heart peaks
when I hear your voice,
I count exactly how many cracks are in the pavement
when I stare at the ground.
But one thing I can't count on,
is that you feel the same way too.
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140,179 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Hey, crobbins here for another review!
Glad to read more of your work! I loved your other piece I reviewed!
So onto the nit-picks!
I think the formatting was a good choice for the type of piece you wrote, but I do think that if you are going for one continuous sentence, the second paragraph is a bit too long:
"I count the times we spend together,
the moments our eyes meet,
the number of steps we take,
the great heights my heart peaks
when I hear your voice,
exactly how many cracks are in the pavement
when I stare at the ground."
I get this is one idea, but by putting a period in there somewhere, it may make it seem like less of a run-on sentence.
I didn't find any spelling issues.
That's all I found for spelling and grammar/formatting issues!
I actually really liked the format you chose (besides the hiccup I addressed earlier). I thought the interconnected stanzas forming a sentence per paragraph really helped send your message to your readers!
I loved the idea behind this too. I interpret this as unrequited love, and the heartbreak that goes with it. This is something everyone has experienced, so it is relatable.
I really like this line:
"But one thing I can't count on,
is that you feel the same way too."
It describes your point beautifully and brings the piece to a close very nicely.
So overall, great job! I really loved this piece! I'd love to read more of your work!
-crobbins
Thank you x
Hello there, @Empires! Lovely work here. Review Day is coming up, and I feel the need to stretch out my reviewing skills and prepare for the event. I'm Sunset, by the way, and I will be reviewing this poem of yours!
I like how you take off on this poem. Sometimes getting to the real climax, or struggle, (even in a poem) can be difficult. But you did a pretty good job, showing examples until you reached your specific moment to take flight with the beautiful words you've used.
The flow of this poem went fine for me until you reached the end of the second verse.
I had to catch my breath here and read over these words several times. After thinking about it for a bit, it made sense how the words played out, but I think the real issue for me was the flow of lines. In my mind, I might see it working something like this:
I count the times we spend together,
the moments our eyes meet,
the number of steps we take,
the great heights my heart peaks
when I hear your voice,
and I count exactly how many cracks
are in the pavement
when I stare at the ground.
I actually believe that repeating the words "I count" will put more emphasis on your writing and topic itself. Repetition can get overwhelming, sometimes, but in other cases it can actually help (like in this piece). I was honestly a little confused when first reading it, maybe because I thought it all was in the same sentence, or something. Now even thinking about it, the cause of the confusion for me could have been the use of commas. Using punctuation is a biggy for me, especially when it affects the complete flow of a poem. With this, some of the lines didn't need a comma, or just needed to be reworded, because sometimes it gets baffling - or at least for me.
Possibly try playing with the words a little more, see where they lead you. What would happen if you added another verse? Dig deeper for more emotion, and lay it out on the poem? Adding more detail wouldn't hurt, I don't think. It's magnificent how it is, but when I read a piece I enjoy, I always want to beg for more. You have quite a talent with words and poetry! This was a cute poem, that I think several people could relate to relationship wise.
I think the ending was beautiful! Your words made me speechless, like you dropped the poem right there at the perfect moment.
Nice work! I hope this review helped a little.
Best regards,
BlueSunset
Hello! Iamawriter here for a review!
We're going to take this piece by piece. Okay? Okay.
"Everyone has some kind of habit.
It may be biting nails, or making lists;
I count things."
This is a good way to start and I feel it transitions well to the next part.
"I count the times we spend together,
the moments our eyes meet,"
Great
"the number of steps we take
the great heights my heart peaks
when you speaks,"
This part could use some work. I generally get the idea that you're trying to get across but I don't think it's as good as it could be.
"exactly how many cracks in the pavement
when I stare at the ground."
Good but I'd put the word "are" in between crack and in, like this:
"exactly how many cracks [are] in the pavement"
"But one thing I can't count on,
is that you feel the same way too."
I love the way you wrap this up.
Hope this was helpful. Keep writing!
thanks
you're welcome!