Young Writers Society

Hi there Empires. I believe that once upon a time I may have reviewed a work or two of yours because the username is familiar although I'm not quite sure. If not, nice to meet you! I'm going to kind of ignore the reviews that have been written below my feet and go in with a fresh take seeing as this is a poem on the shorter side. Without further ado, let's review.

I'm glad to have read this because...I've been in a bit of a writing slump for months now and while I don't see that magically reappearing, this reminds why I enjoyed writing in the first place. I kind of remembered poetry and went from there and while this isn't a perfect poem (nor do I believe that any poem is) what I like about this most is the wording probably? This is an odd instance where while the diction isn't the strongest and there's rewording and fixing up of the punctuation that can be done to make this harder hitting, I found that there's a lot of potential energy in that area.

In the second line, 'which' can be changed to 'that' and in lines three and four, 'she' can be changed to 'you' to create the metaphor that this other person in the poem is the shooting star. I wanted to point out that the semicolon in the first stanza is awkwardly placed because the second part that's supposed to be an independent clause isn't actually an independent clause. What I suggest doing to mend this is to place a comma where the semicolon is after the word 'beautiful' and place the semicolon at the end of the third line. Even a comma in this case is better than what's currently here.

Over the course of reviewing the poem I've almost found what I wanted to say about the wording--you're effective at punching the reader with emotion in lines but the wording is not as strong as the wording can potentially be. The opening is a great indicator to this and that is where I believe the poem succeeds most--the first line in italics being followed up with the part about 'you' being a shooting star is powerful.

Furthermore, in the final stanza the word 'but' is used twice (in the second and in the fifth line) which isn't the best word to begin a line. I'd suggest taking the period out the end of the first line and the ending works well enough. Working on the diction is important to making this stronger and maybe adding in a bit more imagery may be beneficial. Overall, what's here and done right is nice, there's just the potential for this to be done better.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Hi there! Here to leave a review

I really like the first line. It's a strong opener, and I particularly like how you've used italics to highlight a different poetic voice.

I think the way you switch to the "she" from "you" doesn't work that well. Either use the pronouns "she" and "her" or just use "you" and "your". It indicates a change of focus, from one person to another, and I don't think that's what you're trying to do; in my opinion, I'd use the second person when describing the girl (e.g. you, your etc) as it works better.

Also, in the last line, "me" is repeated twice and it doesn't sound right so close together. I'd suggest saying something like:

But you have this effect
That always leaves me in limbo

Your imagery is good. There's not much description, but it kinda works for such a short poem. You have room to add a simile or two and some personification, just to make the description stronger and more vivid. I'd also suggest adding some more to the last stanza. After "in your words", you could add more details about the girl the narrator likes, to paint a better picture.

Other than that, I really like your poem. It's short and sweet and such a pleasure to read

KayLou1609

hey hey, Ardently here for a review!

Firstly, congratulations on getting two works on the spotlight in one day. I had enough trouble getting one work here, so a heap of respect from me for that. Now, onto the review proper!

Gosh, I'm really not sure what to say here. I like it, but I'm having trouble pointing out one thing in particular.

"She was devastatingly beautiful; so bright and destructive
she could make me melt and burn all at once."

I love this bit, this comparison between the girl the narrator loves and the shooting star. It's poignant and aching with emotion and I relate to it so hard and at the same time wish I could relate to it more. I love (pun not intended) the idea of love as something that hurts from how much and how good it is. As something that can consume you and swallow you up whole.

Another thing I really enjoyed was the reference to heaven, purgatory and limbo as all being aspects of the same thing and caused by the same thing and relating to the same person. Again, the idea of love as something inevitable and something glorious and terrible at the same time is one that can be quite powerful and that I think you wrote really well.

Honestly I don't really know what else to say, or how else to express what this poem made me feel.

~ Ardently <3 ~

Hey Empires,

So I'm here to review your poem and happy recent YWSaversary!

The poem is good with how much description you give of the events going on and how they relate to the individual. You've successfully crafted this so that I can tell quite a bit of information about the person and that makes me happy to see.

Of things that I didn't like, or things I think you could improve, I think you should double check your punctuation cuz you have a weird one at the end of the last line of the first quatrain [four line stanza] and you probably have to delete the extra period.

I also think that you're trying to reach for a little too much with your visuals. They're really good and vivid, but I think you need to expand upon them too. Instead of jumping to a new visual in the next stanza, I'd like to see you elaborate more like you do with the first one. The shooting star is your best visual because you explain yourself. "A shooting star reminds me of you because ..." and that helps add to the poem's character. After that, your images are pretty quick and they are mostly forgettable because of that. Spend some time on them!

I also think that you can remove the third? stanza? the one starting with "I tried to run away" because do we really need this information? We're going to get a more visual description of this feeling in the last stanza, and all that this stanza tells us is that they think of this thing or person like dust. That's not a very attractive idea, and I think you could get rid of the cliche saying "sweep under the rug" by just eliminating the stanza. You can jump right to "In you, I see the entire solar system" and then elaborate upon that in the rest of the stanza.

I think if you stretch this poem you'll get more value out of it and it will have more of a personal emotional connection for the reader and for you. If you're not upset when you read this poem, neither is your reader.

I hope this helps you!
-Aley

Hello, @Empires!

What an interesting piece. There is a very minimal amount of what I may suggest to edit or look to change, but hopefully this review will be somewhat helpful. That being said, let's get right into this!

She was devastatingly beautiful; so bright and destructive

But you are my heaven on earth, yet also my

She was devastatingly beautiful; so bright and destructive