Young Writers Society

Hello Empires,

This poem is powerful. I could really fathom the speakers pain. You have done such a nice job of capturing that suffering following a parting of ways.

The imagery painted within the first stanza was so impactful that I had to think on it for quite a while. I particularly liked:

"She dried me out and
I watered her down.
But somehow, we still survived."

My first thought was, how does one water another down? Is this metaphor for being too bland, or dispassionate? Instead, I interpreted it as an imbalance between two people. One was always falling short in some manner. If this was your intention, hurrah! If I am interpreting this theme incorrectly, I apologize, and would reason that the emotional impact (however skewed my understanding) was still just as strong.

My only gentle constructive suggestion is this:

In your second stanza, I would chop up the lines a bit and make it flow a bit easier, rhythmically. For example:

"We carved our initials
into the tree trunks,
so nature remembers
we once were in love."

To me this seems appropriate given the choppier nature of your first stanza, and then with the abruptness of your ending.

Also, I loved your third stanza. As a once heart-broken writer myself, I could empathize with notion you present here strongly.

This was a nicely written work, Empires! I hope that you continue with your talent, and write often! If you would like me to review any other works, feel free to drop me a PM.

Have a great day!

-mav

Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.weebly.com

Hi there! I am amazed by reading this. This is a great poem. The imagery you have created in the first stanza is wonderful and it fits the poem perfectly. No other imagery could have been better.
In the second stanza, I actually pictured a tree that has names carved on it, which again, is a successful imagery that you put forward to.
Although third stanza lacks poetic devices, it is still catchy as it sums up your romantic feelings towards your significant other. One little criticism: The last stanza could have been merged with the second last, and the last line "Just not today" could be altered a little. It is not a bad line, but I feel like the word "just" kills the romantic emotion of the poem. Maybe try something like:
"Someday, you'll just be a name.
Someday, but not today". >>A little alteration leaves the reader thinking about what will happen next; she'll be only a name one day, but nobody knows when exactly that day is.
I hope that makes sense~ keep up the great work

Hi, Empires! Mage here to review your work! So let's get to it, shall we?

I really enjoyed reading this poem. The word choice was great, and I love the imagery throughout. You're a very good poet! ^-^

We were complete opposites,
like drought and a tsunami,

She dried me out and
I watered her down.
But somehow, we still survived.

This is Kaos here for a review!

We were complete opposites,
like drought and a hurricane,
She dried me out and
I watered her down.
But somehow, we still blossomed.

We carved out initials
onto tree-trunks so nature
never forgets that we once were in love.

You are still alive in my writing.
If I could write an alternate ending,
you would have lived and loved
and been all that you intended to be.

Someday you'll just be a name,
Just not today.

Hello, Empires!
I've just got a short review for you here today.

But somehow, we still blossomed.

never forgets that we once were in love.

Just not today.

Hi there, thought I'd take a look at this!

Specifics

1. First off, I like the title as it's sweet, tells us a little bit about the poem but doesn't give too much away. There's a nice touch of mystery to it/ reflection and it makes me want to read on to find out the rest of the story so good job!

2. I'm not sure that the drought and the hurricane are opposites - a hurricane doesn't actually contain water, it's just wind so if you want to go for the water imagery it should be a typhoon, which is what we call a hurricane when it goes out over the water.

3. I'm not sure that blossomed is the right word. I love that you've kept the imagery natural but at the same time, I'd like it to give more a sense of the two differences merging and being compatible. Like maybe you could play with transfused or combined?

In general, the first stanza has a solid flow

4.

We carved out initials

Someday you'll just be a name,
Just not today.

Empires!

So, there is definitely a sweet and tender care in the tone of the poem that the speaker feels for his love, and I appreciate that. We spend a stanza carefully constructing this image of opposites and we do that through the metaphor of nature images, so then the second stanza connects tightly to the first.

The third and fourth stanza though, feel disconnected. The third stanza, I can kind of understand the leap into it, because we have the writing on the tree-trunk, and I can see how there is a pivot and movement away from the nature images and a focus on the writing. So, we begin with initials on a tree trunk and we leap onto the speaker's writing, and the poem itself as a part of that writing, and we introduce the contrary idea of "forever" that is being laid so carefully, and that provides the conflict of the poem. In the beginning, there was forever that was ingrained in tree trunks, and by the third stanza, we get a feeling that there's definitely an ending. And it is one that is sad and has tones of regret, and all that. The conflict is good.

But your fourth stanza just pivots away from the entire premise, and I would have liked some foreshadowing either to the fourth stanza, or have the fourth stanza connect back to the beginning, if only because the rest of the poem seems so carefully constructed. Why do we have an image of the narrator's stone walls, when we were introduced to the narrator as a being of hurricanes and watering/growing/nurturing- the images just seem so disparate. We have mentions of religion that come out of no where, and what exactly does the narrator mean by the last two lines?

Someday you'll just be a name,
Just not today.


It seems like there is a breakup that occurred, and the narrator wants to forget. Wants to just have this lady be a "name" but it doesn't seem to be the case. And I guess the fourth stanza does provide context to the "opposites" line -- but perhaps an additional stanza to lead and connect to the nature images to the religion would serve you well!

I hope this helps.

~ as always, Audy