• Home

Young Writers Society

Forever Pending

by Empires

I used to write the end of stories
before their beginning. 

Perhaps that is why I fell 
for you before you were ready to catch me. 

Perhaps that is why I clasped
your hand so tightly in mine 
like I was holding forever in my fingertips. 

Perhaps that is why I loved you
before I loved myself. 

Perhaps that is why
I haven't picked up the pen since I met you. 

Much like my writing,
We were always a work in regress. 

Is this a review?



User avatar

Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Fri Sep 02, 2016 2:50 pm
View Likes
AnnaBerrieJ says...

Absolutely Amazing!!..
Simple but full of meaning!! I Love it!

User avatar
766 Reviews

Points: 650
Reviews: 766

Fri Sep 02, 2016 2:23 pm
View Likes
Brigadier wrote a review...

Hey there Empires. It's just Lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
Oh, you're new. Welcome to YWS and I hope you have fun on the site. Also congrats on posting your first poem.

I've read a lot of poems this week about love and such. And the problem with this is that I can not relate to any of the poems because I've never been in love. So instead I'll just point out a couple things in the poem, that I can relate to the narrator at.
1. Though it was probably mostly a metaphor for your poem, I can really relate to the first line. And not just in writing. For pretty much everything, I will do it backwards, if it seems fit.
2. Yeah I can't relate to the narrator in any other way. I'm sorry to have t say that but personally I can't find a way to connect to the points brought up.

A couple of the line arrangements sound awkward to me when I read them aloud. I put the first example in a quote below.

Perhaps that is why I fell
for you before you were ready to catch me.

-When I read this line, in my mind I had arranged it differently and added in some punctuation. I'm not sure what you might think of this but I'm going to put my way below anyways. It just seems in this current, that the pauses at the ends of the lines are unnatural and you should probably place a comma in a lot of the lines.
Perhaps that is why I fell for you,
before you were ready to catch me.

Another example of this can be found in another set of lines.
Perhaps that is why I clasped
your hand so tightly in mine
like I was holding forever in my fingertips.

-Somewhere in this set of lines, you definitely need a comma. My own style says to put it after the 'mine' inline two because that sounds like the most natural break. I might be wrong about this but I just felt I should point it out.

The previous reviewer has already pointed some things out about how difficult it is to write romantic poems in a new way that still shows all the emotion. Note though when comes to discussing these sorts of things, I'm not the best. There were just a couple of things I would like to add on to her review.
Personally I didn't find too much emotion in this work. It seems like the narrator should be heartbroken and outraged but instead everything was sort of plain. It's like she was trying to paint a rainbow with only gray scale colors. Perhaps if I could have dug deeper and tried to relate, I would understand her viewpoint better.

I do understand the point about love that is trying to find its way across here. How sometimes we fall in love too quickly, how it happens before we are really ready. I do find this to be an interesting idea because it is most certainly accurate. I've seen many of my friends fall victim to such a notion.

So I guess that's about all I have for this collection of comments that may prove to be useful to you. If you have any questions, or would just like to talk, feel free to PM me.
Have a nice day.
Happy RevMo!
The Queen of the Book Clubs

User avatar
139 Reviews

Points: 5205
Reviews: 139

Fri Sep 02, 2016 12:19 pm
View Likes
Biluata wrote a review...

Hi there, Biluata here for a review. Welcome to YWS, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions or concerns, or if you post anything else and you want me to review it! I hope you find our little community plenty welcoming.

Anyway, onward and upward with the review, eh?

Please note that this is just my opinion and by no means am I a professional, so everything is mostly a suggestion, use it or ignore it, whichever you'd prefer.

The concept of poetry about love is a rather common one and the trick is finding a creative way to show the emotion associated with that particular chemical reaction, and I think I can honestly say that you did it pretty well.

I can empathize with the narrator, something important for readers in any work of writing, and what you are saying makes perfect sense. I enjoyed your stanza breaks and punctuation, it made the poem flow nicely when read aloud (or aloud in my head, since I am in school).

I can find no errors or anything I'd recommend you change, but stay open to what everyone has to say, cha?

I can't wait to see what else you can bring to the table!

You'd better wise up, Pony... you get tough like me and you don't get hurt. You look out for yourself and nothing can touch you, man.
— Dallas Winston, The Outsiders