Bloodshot eyes,
looking down at bloody thighs.
Tears running down her face,
the blade gave her a cold embrace.
The fake smile has been her disguise.
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140,928 Literary Works • 673,751 Reviews
Uhhmm, yeah, I am suppose to be doing my school work right now, but I was distracted by reading your poem. This was infact so good that I had to write a review. This poems that you wrote is rather dark and that is perfectly fine. It is the the sad truth that people take their lives and physically and mentally harm themselves. Self harm in is very prevalent today so a lot of people can relate to your poem. Your rhyming was on point. I love when I read a poem and I don't really realize that it is rhyming until I look back. I feel that too rhymey poems come off as cheesy like rhyming "cat and sat" you know what I mean. However you didn't do that which is wonderful. Your title is rather long and I think that adds a great touch. You also have great structure.
"The blade gave her a cold embrace"
I thought that was very clever. Your wording in that was very well thought out.
"The fake smile has been her disguise"
I also loved that line too. It gives a hint of mystery if that makes sense.
Overall your poem was perfect and does not have any flaws. I will definitely read all of your poems because this one proves that you have potential to be a great writer. I also like that you aren't scared to write about such a dark topic. I know that my parent would be freaked out if they saw that I was write about self harm. Lol. But someone has to write about, right? Anyways keep of the good work. Even though you are distracting me from school I will keep reading your work.lol
Great job!
Thank you so much!
Bonjour my petite crumpet. How art though on thist sacred morn? Anyways, onto the review. Let's hope Mrs.Varnold doesn't catch me!
I'm going to quote each sentence and says likes and or suggestions.
Blood and more blood. The repetition defiantly gets the point across.
If tears are currently running down her face, should the blade be 'giving' her a cold embrace instead of gave? I do like the sadness and honesty through how the blades are her comfort.
Fake smile? This line seemed to be sudden. Hint it toward the begging of the poem, it might make more sense to a reader that way.
I hope this helps!
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
Hello, Laure here for a review. So, I'm going to blunt here. This poem was pretty depressing, I guess I can't really relate to this since I've never really gotten experience anything like this. However, this poem does have some pretty vivid imagery and powerful emotions underneath it. Since this poem is pretty short, I will give you a line by line analysis.
Nice start, concise and short but it starts the poem that alerts the readers that the main character is sad, tired, depressed.A good line that relates back to the first one, a good transitional line. Nice repetition of bloody that will empathize on the blood.
A bit cliche, but it shows her sadness well enough.
I felt as if you could have expanded those last two lines, it seemed to me that you rushed the ending. I know the fake smile was her disguise but you jumped from the blade to the smile, what has been the smile the disguise of? Could you maybe add in how she felt? Some internal emotions to give the poem more depth?
Overall impression: This is a short poem with a powerful and dramatic voice behind it, though I will it will impact me if you explored the MC's feelings a bit more. It still has a lot of leeway to go with the emotions, so keep on writing and I hope I wasn't too harsh!
-Laure
Thank you!
What I love about this is the fact that it is so relatable. I love how you didn't explain what exactly is going on with this girl but it is also how you enterpret it. It can relate with people of all ages and it is something everyone will remember.
"Tears running down her face, the blade gave her a cold embrace."
This line really stood out to me as embrace is the exact word I use to explain a situation like that.
"The fake smile has been her disguise."
When it says has been, is that as if she's dont acting and she is through with the mask?
"Bloodshot eyes, looking down at bloody thighs."
This is my favourite line. There is so much truth and interpretation here. I love it so much, the sound is amazing.
I absolutely love this and I'm going to refer this to my friends to read.
Thank you so much, it means a lot to me.
QuietQuilla desu!
I like this poem, but I feel as if it could have been better though out.
Firstly,
"Bloodshot eyes,
looking down at bloody thighs.
Tears running down her face,
the blade gave her a cold embrace."
I don't know exactly why she's so sad to begin with. I think you should give the readers a reason or a trigger effect of why we should feel a certain way toward the main character.
It's poetically thought out with rhythm and the words of choice catch the eye well.
"The fake smile has been her disguise."
I feel like it would have made a big difference if the word "fake" wasn't in the line. It gives off the scene that everyone already knew it was fake; making the disguise not live of to it's name.
In all it was a good, sad poem.
Keep up the good work!
Thank you.