She's burning
Inside.
*
The sign says
"Welcome home"
As he enters
A golden world,
That seems to glitter.
*
But he left us all behind.
Left me with fresh wounds,
Left me cursing out the God
I'm not even sure is there.
*
The sign says
"Run"
As she enters
A burning world
That's full of hatred.
*
Because he left her behind.
Crying in under water
So no one could hear.
She cursed out God
Because he hurt her
A little too much this time.
*
Now she burns
Eternally.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,022 Literary Works • 672,752 Reviews
I already reviewed is one ;(
Can review your own stuff, hmm I'm very curious. Pickles. Hvkjeadbvkjsdbv vkfbsvkjbsfav ljvrsvbjdosnf bskbjjdorbv bfkdajbvekw. Dschidshfukewf ashcan subclass adkcbdakjfhkdja chdsjkcbsdkjbf sdcnakeubcukar chjsdvbij.
Can review your own stuff, hmm I'm very curious. Pickles. Hvkjeadbvkjsdbv vkfbsvkjbsfav ljvrsvbjdosnf bskbjjdorbv bfkdajbvekw.
</3
Hello, Ariel, Dorothy, Rellaya, Sarai, my dead but not dead best friend. How are you? Is life still a big ball of stupid? ANYWAYS, I suppose I'll give a quick review!
Since Iggy has covered all the nitpicks and structural stuff (Yup, I literally just said stuff. How immature of me.) so I'll just go over concept and a couple suggestions. First off though, suggestions.
Wanna know what I did with this? I put some lines in italics. This is just a suggestion, but because you refer to two different people, I feel like italics could make that more clear. Also, I feel like this should stay in either first or second person. Jumping around from the two makes it a little unclear.
As for concept, I do like it, and would love to see if you could branch off into it a little more. Describe her emotions, and describe his emotions. But if your going for raw emotions, this works great! I'd suggest, if no raw emotion, to give the reader a little more juice. Anyways, this is just a quick review. Keep writing Sarai c,: I'll read your poems and stories until I don't know how to read!
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
Hello there! Just so you know, there's an easier way to format your poetry. This be it.
Alrighty, moving on.
Consider combining these two lines.
I feel like that comma disrupts the flow. Cut it out.
Same here. Consider combining them.
In and under contradict each other. It's either one or the other, so pick one and stick with it.
This is a weak ending. You should focus on the burning itself. Describe it. I'm a big fan of the phrase "show, don't tell." I want you to show me the flames that lick her arm and cause her nerves to scream and her body to writhe or how her hair is singed off. Focus on the eternally part. How does that make her feel?
Speaking of emotions, I feel like the poem was lacking it. Lots of nice imagery and good comparisons with the fire and how it relates to the narrator's life. The poem jumps around a lot, from a world of hate to God that may or may not exist to a boy that left her. How does this make her feel? I feel no emotion to this. I want your words to leave an impact on my heart and mind when I finish the poem and right now, I only feel pity for the narrator.
But overall, this was a good poem with nice imagery. It wasn't present throughout and caused rather dim images in my mind when it should've brought forth bright ones, but still, nice nonetheless. It was a nice poem and I enjoyed it very much. Thank you for sharing!
Hope this helps.
~Iggy