our mighty lord,
Brought to this world:
Cheez-it's
then we had a feast,
With spiked kool-aid.
Desert was the best part,
Gummy bears
And pistachios.
-
But then as we were
Intoxicated,
We saw the beauty of things
Why is it illegal we ask?
Because beautiful things don't ask for attention.
-
Whore.
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Canary word: Present
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,752 Reviews
HMMMMMMMMMMMM.
Trying to capture the entirety of American culture in one poem, are we? ahaha.
Okay, I have to say first that I like the disconnectedness of this. I like that it's disjointed and not laid out in a proper, sensible way like it might be in prose. You need this disjointedness to try to cover all the aspects, and it also kind of speaks to the tone of the poem -- it adds another layer of frenzy.
But at the same time, I need to understand just a little more concretely than I do now. I think the crux of the misunderstanding problem lies in this line:
The first instinct when reading this sentence is to read it as: "Why is it illegal?" we ask.
I know that's not how you've written it, but when paired with other "we" narration (We saw..."), that's how it comes out to the reader. Are you trying to say why is the act of asking illegal? So maybe a better phrasing would be "Why is it illegal to ask?" ??
I would like to see some small thread of connection between this idea and the first stanza. I think the first stanza could be cleared of some clutter. Cheezits are quintessentially American and the spiked Koolaid is not only American, but a part of social history. I don't know what the significance is of saying "dessert is the best part" and adding random, less powerful food items: gummy bears are popular in so many other countries, too. Are pistachios from America?? Clean this up and maybe you'll find room to insert something that connects the idea of consumerism, food, the "goodness that god created" with the idea of beauty, asking about it, asking for it.
I hope these suggestions and thoughts are helpful to you!
If you have any questions or comments about my review, please PM me or reply to this review.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hannah
This is a neat poem. I'm not really sure why you chose this spacing, was it to provoke thought in between each verse?
I think you do pretty well writing poems that lack structure. They're pretty hard to do without appearing to just throw random words in... good job.
I also question the last line. Is this addressing the reader? Is it addressing "the man"? It seems intentionally vague, but can't tell if I like or dislike it.
Hiya! I just wanted to comment on a few things here. I'm not a big fan of poems that don't rhyme, but the randomness and shortness of this poem made up for that.
The first part is simple to understand. But everything after that....
The buzzed feeling from that spiked Kool-Aid made you think that everything is beautiful. What exactly is "illegal"? Public intoxication, maybe. Everything after that is simply confusing. Please, explain it.
The word "whore" by itself like that was hilarious.
Hey pickles here with another review here. So I thought that was a great and funny peom. My favorite part is
the way that it was said at the end is the reason why I liked it. Great job sarai (and mitchel) very different peom keep up the good work. There was so many random things in the peom but other than that great job.Bye, pickles