Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
*Mobile won't let me do stanzas!*
He looked in my eyes.
My heart was on overdrive.
But he couldn't see
I was burning inside.
I wanted his lips
To press against mine.
I wanted our bodies
To intertwine.
Now I know I'm so young
But something about him
His cold chilling eyes,
His smile he wears
As a disguise,
It's just too much,
To comprehend.
I feel a stirring inside of me.
Oh god,
I can't breath.
His hands wrap around
My neck, and his
Tongue is in my mouth.
I know I'm so young,
But society's taught me
You only live once.
So this means I should
Get myself pregnant,
And to do drugs,
At age fourteen
Right?
So I spend the night
At this boys house,
And I do some things
That doesn't make me proud.
It's six month later
And my stomach,
It's huge.
Bulging with new life,
That I'll bring into the world.
The boy, he smiles evilly
Every time I pass by.
When I get home
I always cry.
Society's taught me
A lot of things.
Like be a slut
And do drugs.
But yet,
It's my fault
When I stay home,
Holding my child.
Listen to her cry
When she's only,
Barely over five
Because the villains,
In all her fairytales,
Are made of her father.
That she never had.
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Canary word: Present
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,752 Reviews
Such a sad and tragic, yet beautifully-written poem! I'm at a loss for words, so I don't have much of a review...
This ones long, so I'll review it when I get home!
Hey there, rhia here!
Subject verb agreement problem here. Either "I do something that doesn't make me proud" or "I do some things that don't make me proud"
I think you should fix up the punctuation and wording here. But and yet have basically the same meaning, so it's rather redundant to have them both. I would also just punctuate like this...
[quote]Yet,
It's my fault
When I stay home,
Holding my child,
Listening to her cry,
When she's only
Barely over five
Otherwise, I just agree with Isha about how it's a good and very true story, but you could do more to bringit to life and give it a more personal feeling.
Never said thank you! Well, thank you! Haha.
Hey there! Isha here for a review
The message in this poem was definitely strong, especially towards the end when you're talking about how the father never needed to take responsibility for a child that is, essentially, equal parts his (and his own doing). One massive flaw of the system is that the system seems to think that because the mother's the one carrying the kid around for nine months, the father has less responsibility to ensure their well-being.
The story line itself was good, and definitely one that a lot of girls would probably be able to relate to. The ending was probably the strongest point of the entire piece, and also probably my favourite.
The poetry itself was... well, it was very simple, and a little more in the realm of that than just plain old minimalistic. The flow felt a little bit forced, and in places, it felt kind of cliche and preachy (when we start talking about society telling us to do drugs and be pernicious: boys, yes. Girls? They want them to have sex, but then they slut-shame all over the place, and it's totally ridiculous and there's really no way to win the game). I might skim over that and think of ways to reword it, perhaps? Throw in something that's a little more original.
Overall though, this is a pretty decent little narrative with a strong storyline and a point that you succeeded in driving home (even with the overly-preachy bits), so props to you
Good job and keep writing,
~Ish
Thank you!
Hi, Tulip here to give you a review.
This is a a very good poem. I thought that this would be a different poem when I read that title, but when I read it, I was impressed.
Topic and Message
The entire poem stayed on topic and it's message was strong. It was very well done on how you kept it on topic. It was amazing.
Style
I know that you were unable to do stanza's on a mobile device. But I feel like it would be a better read when you can edit into it.
But it's style is a very good poem. The word choice is wonderful and it is well done.
Nitpicks
I don't think I have many things to say. I didn't pick up on anything that I saw that would have to be listed here.
Favorites
Good job. Keep up the good Work. ~Tulip.
Thank you!