Scars

Hey! It's joallover going through the works of the people she follows and is very happy she is doing that because she found this and this is awesome!
Well...not awesome...it's sad, but it's very well written.
Anyways, what I have to say about it is that it is very relatable to anyone who has been in that sort of a situation, either with scars on one or both places. I have both, so I fully relate!
I may be cheesy, but if it was me who wrote this, I'd have called it Invisible Marks...yeah, that's my only nitpick.
The good stuff, though, is everything else...which is everything!
So, as I said before, it's very relatable and I'm surprised that this has to be written about, but I'm glad you did. All these people see the scars and are so rude about it, acting like they know everything when they don't understand what they can't see, which is the invisible scars in this case.
Story! So one time, I was at my boyfriend's house for a family gathering and when his father was driving me home, he kept going on about one cousin who had scars up her arm and saying how she probably only did it for attention, how everyone who does that is stupid and only does it for attention, meanwhile I'm sitting in the backseat with my boyfriend trying not to cry because I had thought that there was more understanding by now than that.
My moral of the story is that you wrote this in simple terms, which is good because everyone can understand it and it makes me feel better because maybe people like my boyfriend's father will read this and understand that maybe they don't understand everything.
-joallover

Hey
Sarai
How
Are
You
Today?

It's Brie here for a review! To make it a wee bit more.. Interesting... I'm going to review in different colors or marquee codes... Or both!:3 It'll still be in like and suggestion format, though.

Likes;

This poem is pretty awesome! It's subtle, yet honest. It's true, they can't sense the scars on your heart. I love how the poem is something with little imagery, yet you can still imagine a whole life of this person.


Suggestions;

Oops, this is awkward. No suggestions.

Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie

​​Hello, Crim here to review your poem.

The topic of this poem is very sensitive so I will try not to critique the content but rather your technique. I apologise if anything I say in this review sounds harsh, my intention is to help and advise, not to slate your poem in any fashion. I only have two real issues with this poem that I would like to bring to light in this review.

Firstly:​

​​'​I know you've seen
The scars on my wrists.
I know you've seen
The *scars* on my hips.​​​' ​​

I'd like to mention the repetition of the word scars. Repetition can be brilliant at giving a poem extra 'oomf' but, as some other reviewers have said before me​, in shorter poems it is not nearly as effective. I think that your poem may benefit if you changed the word scars to something other, marks, lines etc - just to give the reader a little more to chew on.

Secondly:

'​​Because *things like that*,
Leave invisible marks.​​​​​'


Things like what? What has caused these marks on the MC's heart? I am dying to know, as I'm sure other readers are. ​If you delved a little deeper into your MC's thoughts, feelings, emotions - maybe even a little background story then it gives your reader something to hold onto, something to empathize with. At the moment, just saying 'things like that' isn't enough, it's far too vague. I can understand if you want the reader to question the story of the voice (or even make up their own) but the ambiguity isn't effective in this case, it just feels unfinished.

​​You could do such wonderful things with this poem, you really could. I suggest reading some poetry from some famous authors and having a look at some of their styles and techniques. Reading is the best way of learning how to write (in my opinion that is). I think that you should come back to this and rework it, it does have potential; your ideas here are a nice backbone for the makings of a very good poem.

I understand that the topic of your poem is very personal to you and if you ever need someone to talk to you can always shoot a PM my way. Also if you have any other questions on this review then you can PM me as well and I'd be more than happy to answer them.

Keep writing, with practice you can only improve​​.

~Crim​

​

Hello.

A little thing is your rhyme goes from exact to not— heart/marks contrasts the exact rhyme of wrists/hips. If you're going to go for a rhyming poem, then keeping the rhyme consistent throughout the piece is good practice to maintain flow. Same deal with the line of "seen"s followed by "that"— your eyes get used to a certain pattern and breaking it jars the reader out of the poem.

One thing I noticed in the replies other reviews is, you rely on people having already experienced self harm to truly empathize with this poem. While there's nothing wrong with this for personal poetry, or even certain types of inspirational poetry, poems tend to be much stronger when you build what others need to empathize into the poem. By that I mean you take all the emotions and actions that lead to this poem and include them in. That way, you create something more unique to yourself, which actually makes people feel more. Instead of completely relying on their personal experience, some of that personal experience is given to them and in turn amplifies how they feel, making everything run that much deeper.

This poem is fine on a very personal level. It's something you write to get how you're feeling out. I know I started this way, and I'm pretty sure a lot of other poets did, too. But on the road to becoming a better poet, I discovered that putting in more of the context, or at least a better scene, makes readers who haven't been through an experience empathize more. And, in turn, you let people understand more. Once you've put your own feelings in detail on paper (hidden with poetic language), then it becomes a lot more powerful.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

I clicked on this poem because it was on the featured list, and I was again slightly disappointed in my fellow writers on YWS.

As Lumi said, this poem got likes because of the subject matter.

I don't want this rhymy, sing-songy approach to self harm. Self harm is not something to write poems about in that way.

Here are my honest opinions. They have good intentions.

I don't really see the point of this poem. Well, I do, but it's very simple, and it's not really complex at all. Obviously, the whole point of the poem can be summed up by saying this: "I hurt inside," which is a legitimate point. But the way you implement it is so blah. It's been done before.

And before you say that "it's so the reader can connect to the poem," let me tell you something. A good reader doesn't need to connect to the piece. Everything is explained in this essay by Nobokov. Here is the link to "Good Readers and Good Writers." http://www.en.utexas.edu/amlit/amlitprivate/scans/goodre.html If you don't want to read the whole thing, start at the paragraph that reads, "One evening at a remote provincial college..."

What the essay says is that the character should not connect themselves to the character. I subscribe to the words of Nabokov, and I suggest you take his ideas into consideration. If you don't worry about the connection of the reader to the piece, you can be free to write in a less vague manner.

Vagueness is the issue with this poem. While you mention that there are scars, this doesn't really provide imagery. Try adding more imagery. I'm not talking about "I have black hair," or something like that, either. I'm talking about simile and metaphor. While not all poems include or need to include these things, it is a good place to start. At your age, I'm sure I wrote some pretty awful poetry, but when I discovered metaphors and similes, my work improved considerably. Not to say that I became good, or that I am good, but I got better.

Instead of simply saying "I hurt inside," which can be said in many different ways, connect self harm (which is a major theme in your poem) to the inner hurt. How does the self harm connect with inner turmoil? Perhaps you could use inner turmoil as a way to show that it is manifesting itself in this coping method.

A note on repetition: while repetition is indeed a poetic element, it is unwise to use it in such a short poem. When lines are repeated too close to each other and too often, they become redundant, uninteresting, and lose the power in them. Words have power, and if used too often, they lose flavor, a bit like gum you've kept in your mouth for too long.

Add specific details. What is the cause of this inner trauma? Show us. It is okay to have a specific person in the poem, even if it is yourself.

No comma after "that" in the second to last line.

Anyway, I suggest you change the theme a bit, add more imagery, lose the rhyme scheme, and add more specific details. I hope you read the essay and take my words into consideration. Have a nice day.

This'll be quick.

You're going to get praise for this; you'll get likes, and people will tell you it's so good. Those are opinions, and for the subject matter in your poem, they're common and subjective. I don't do subjectivity, though, and so I'll be the first to tell you that this does not rank well as poetry, nor as literature in general. The lines are overused and contrived, and there is no sense of the poetic maybe there's more anywhere to be found.

Make a note that this is not a critique of the feelings that put this poem in your head. That's important.

If you want to make this legitimate, take your sentiments:

You've seen the scars on my wrists, on my hips, but can't see the scars on my heart.

Create something that embodies these sentiments--images that relate to your shed blood, of the scars and emotional turmoil that led to your self-abuse in the first place. Place these sentiments inside these images and suture the whole package up, and you'll have meaningful poetry. Maybe look at your disposition from another perspective. Write about this girl who is self-destructing from outside your own body, and analyze your thoughts. Find the rawest bits of what this self-abuse is about, hold them in your hands, and tell the story. Until then, this is nothing but disconnected bones that want to be poetry.

Lumi

Pandabear here. Wow. This really depresses me, I like works like this. You did great on the rhyming and it flows really good. I can't really find any flaws! Keep up the writing! =)

Hey, your actual writing style is bluntly sweet and delivers a message clearly. However, I strongly disliked the obviousness of the concept. A broken heart, if that's what you meant it to be, is invisible, ok. That is a given, and we know that people just don't cut themselves for no reason. That aside, your style is good, I just thought this was a bit too simple. Sorry.

Legy

Your description was right! It's amazing! I love it! I especially like the last part where you wrote:

But you haven't seen

The scars on my heart

Because things like that,

Leave invisible marks.

I reaqlly agree with that. It's easy to find the physical marks of pain, but the emotional ones are much deeper and harder to discover. I really liked the rhyming because I thought it added a lot to the poem. However, I don't know how much I like the:

I know you've seen

The scars on my hips.

I know you had to rhyme with wrists, but I just feel like hips doesn't seem like a place where you would really find scars. The rhyme seemed a little forced. Other than that, I loved the poem! I look forward to reading more of your work!

Wow. One word. Wow. Wow beyond belief.

Honey, before I say anything, we're here. We are always here. And thank you so much for letting us know you need us. And I need to ask you something. Is there anyway you can stop? I know it hurts, but put it into your writing. It is so much better for you.

Now for your writing. This was fabulous. Short. Simple. Concise. Eloquent. A great way to convey your emotions. To convey a broken heart. And a great way to unleash yourself onto the world.

I loved it.

Keep writing.

YOU WERE RIGHT.
RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
I don't even know how to review this, to be honest.
But I think the beginning could've been a little bit more of a /hook,/ you know?
Too many poems start off like that. I was hoping for something a little more original.
But other than that, I LOVED THIS SO MUCH I CAN'T TELL YOU
JUST SO GOOD
Nine stars of ten! GREAT JOB CAN I SEE MORE PLEASE AND THANK YOU