For The 50th Time This Month

I stare at the screen
For the 1st time this month
Studying the font your name is in,
And spending hours
Looking for it.

It's Palatino-Roman.

I stare at the screen
For the 3rd time this month
Asking why I ever messaged you.
And regretting just as much
As I don't.

I stare at the screen
For the 9th time this month
And I let the tears flow
From my eyes to the screen.
And I memorize the fact that you were real
And not just another name

I stare at the screen
Fore the 21st time this month
But the date
Is only the 12th.

I stare at the screen
For the 24th time this month
And I'm thinking about how
The first time we skyped,
You let my type because
I told you I hated my voice.

I stare at the screen
For the 35th time this month
And you aren't
Staring back at me.
I keep thinking that maybe
You'll come back to me.

I stare at the screen
For the 41st time this month
A glass of water by
My sprawled legs
Until I hurl it
Across the room.

I stare at the screen
For the 43rd time this month
And I'm pretty sure
That I'm slowly
Killing myself
With this pain.

I stare at the screen
For the 50th time this month
I can't forget
The shade of red
Your blood is in
And the model of the gun
You pressed to your temple.

I'm staring at the screen
It's the 1st time this month
And all I feel
As I shut the laptop
Is everything
All at once.