Young Writers Society

Touché my friend, touché. I'll be here to review your poems since you seem to want to review all of mine. Since I'm in between reading and reviewing, this may not be the longest review.

I'll say my likes and than my suggestions.

Likes; I do like the concept. It leaves the reader wanting more!'Its also pretty descriptive, with little to no grammar flaws.

Dislikes; Repetition is your enemy. You say she a lot, but why not give her a name. Also, what does SHE look like?

I hope this helps!

Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie

Hey there ! How are you ?

I'm just going to list a couple of things. Okay ? okay

1. I think this topic is so deep that this should have definitely been longer especially since this was a short story and not a poem. I feel that maybe you rushed and/or ran out of things to say and you just published what you had...

2. Going off of what I said in #1 , I feel this would be more of a poem than short story. I feel like you went between writing poetry and writing a story.

3. Also, I would give more to the story. Such as characters with names, plots, settings, etc. That kind of goes along with the extending it more.

4. The tense was varied throughout the piece and that is not allowed. At one point, you would say 'She drags...' and at another 'Her smile started...'. You should choose one tense and stick with it.

Overall, I get what you desired to do. I would suggest maybe going back to revise, extend, and just really develop this story. I believe you could truly do something with it. Tell us, for instance, why she is suicidal. Give the readers more. I know you can do it. Keep writing !
Sorry if you think this is harsh. I just want to help anybody and everybody who wish to become a better writer as much as I can.

Sincerely,

Me

Hi there IAlreadyDied! Niteowl here to drop some Frozen Fahrvergnugen on you this fine Review Day!

Now, I have to be honest. I've been a member here on and off for nine years, and in that time I've seen a lot of poems and stories about depression and suicide. It's an important topic for sure, but it also lends itself to a lot of overdone phrasing and imagery, which makes it hard to make something that stands out.

There is some stuff that sticks out in this piece, but it comes at the expense of realism. Slashing her legs with scissors? Granted, I've never tried it, but it doesn't seem like the scissors I own could cut my legs very well. This also seems like it could get super messy (like have to go the hospital messy).

I also found the method of suicide poetic, but again a little strange. It doesn't seem like hanging from a tree is that common nowadays. Usually hanging is done indoors with something like an electrical cord from a ceiling fan (who even has just random rope hanging around nowadays). Also girls tend to lean towards less violent methods with higher survival rates (such as pill overdose) while boys tend to the more violent/lethal ones (like hanging, jumping, gunshot).

Right now, I'm not really sure whether this is supposed to be a story or poem, but it doesn't feel like much of either right now. I suggest making this a more fleshed out story. Give the girl a name, a face, a personality beyond "sad and suicidal". Walk us through a day in her life, maybe when she first decided to start harming herself, or when she was first taken to a doctor. Make the reader care about her, and the final line will have that much more impact.

I realize I'm being critical, but I don't mean to be harsh or mean. This is a difficult topic to write about, and even harder to write well. You're clearly a talented writer. I just think a more fleshed-out story would connect better with the reader. Keep writing!

Hi there

First off, this is such a difficult topic to review, so I will stick strictly to the technical side. I think GoldFlame already covered the rest.

It would probably be better to divide this into two paragraphs. That way you can separate what has happened and what is happening more easily.

Fighting that giving up is not the way out.

That was SodaPressing. XD

Welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying your time here .

I'll admit, I'm reluctant reviewing such a delicate topic. And a topic flooding the YWS All Literary section, at that. Cutting's an extremely serious issue, as is teen suicide. I can't believe how people can be so insensitive: fully aware of the anguish they wreak, yet never considering to stop.

So, since this topic has been so thoroughly sifted through, it's difficult weaving something unique out of it. I'd recommend adding some more detail, more imagery. Justifying her despair. Why is her smile starting to fade? Why's she lost all control?

I guess that while I'm writing this review, I'll discuss tense inconsistency. You switch from past tense to present tense. I understand your attempt to illustrate "this is what happened, what caused it," but you need to keep the whole piece one tense. So I'd recommend going with past participle: "Her smile has started to fade" or "Her smile was starting to fade."

Thank you for sharing this! I look forward to hearing more from you!