The words that came out of your mouth,
is filled with venomous words,
sharp, pierced into my veins,
to make my whole body stiffen.
You hang me with contumely,
now I was covered with a gummy hatred,
you disable all my defensive wall,
whenever possible, you want to eat me alive?
Now your poison has seeped into my body,
and you tried to make my head to fall down,
so you can see me fall to worship you,
and you can laugh with your victory.
But you seem to be silent,
when looking at my hands and feet
both stick on the ceiling,
and my head, not falling to the floor.
p/s:I am really bad in grammar,so if there is any ,just let me know :D
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139,597 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
I loved this poem. I picture someone being bullied. Where the bully is putting the victim down to make themselves feel better. I can identify with he victim. I was once bullied too, but I never gave up. I eventually learned to ignore the bullies and they went away. The last stanza is the best where it gives up to the bullied victim hope and he or she also, doesn't give in to what the bully desires.
Maybe I'm just not reading it right, but in your first stanza, shouldn't it say:
Keep up the good work!
"The words that came out of your mouth,
ARE filled with venomous words?"
Other than that, cool poem. It kind of makes me think: Linkin Park, lol. I've never really written any dark poetry, but everybody has their strong points.
Hi Dark,I enjoyed reading this piece of poem.I think it has quiet deep meanings inside.
"You hang me with contumely,
now I was covered with a gummy hatred,
you disable all my defensive wall,
whenever possible, you want to eat me alive?"
Very well written here,but the last lines makes me confuse.But I think so,yeah the spider actually maybe do such thing too.Anyway,I like your imaginary here,and how you use simile and metaphor in this poem.I think I gt it
In the last stanza,I can sense humor here:
"But you seem to be silent,
when looking at my hands and feet
both stick on the ceiling,
and my head, not falling to the floor. "
That is true,when someone hurt you,you should defended.Even though,you need to act like spider-man!
Good job,just need some improvement here
thanks:).Glad you understand it!
Hey there. Am here to review this piece at last! I liked your title and I like your little brain there for choosing this title to write a poem on. The title lured me into the piece. i had my expectations and yes you have proven them. This poem brings smile on everyone's faces and makes the reader more enthusiastic to read. A great write I must say . Although I felt this line needed a bit of modification
"whenever possible, you want to eat me alive?"
Thanks,glad you like it^^.yeah,I will fix it soon
So the words that are coming out of your mouth are filled with more venomous words? I don’t know if this was intentional but it doesn’t work as a first liner. Words cannot fill with more words unless you are meaning meanings but right now you have ambiguity.Now, this is the problem with your first four lines because you are so close to great. It’s the words that you use that make it longer and ends up making prolonged meaning.
The words that came out of your mouth,
is filled with venomous words,
You can say the same thing with:
The venomous words
I don’t see why not, you pack more meaning in less words.
The venomous words are piercing
into my veins making me stiff.
^ when you read that and the other 4 lines can you pull out anything that I left out? I really think you can’t so the meaning is still there. I think your first 4 lines need work but you have the general idea there.
So you just repeat yourself then? And how the heck do you hang someone with insulting language? This is not how you do a metaphor, you cannot picture this. And the I see “gummy hatred”: what is that? Is hatred ever gummy? What is gummy I don’t even know. Defensive wall; it’s a cliché no meanings. The last line is kind-of good but I think we are missing the point, the story is not progressing, you are repeating yourself with useless words.
You use poison for another cliché; theres no significance to it other then to sound artsy but again, makes you flat. The second line I think could be better. Not to mention that this meaning was implied with your first stanza, there was no reason to say it really. The last two lines at-least progress the story but sounds a little bland to my taste.
The story is good yeah, this proves that to me but the execution needs work, to me. I think the “head not falling to the floor” seems a bit weird but whatevers, I think you should work on it.
XD,well,I think you misunderstood the real meaning here.I am not talking about spider-man,but something as a representative here.I wrote this for my enemies by the way
Thanks for review
I never said you where talking about spider man? You should probably try reading the review
nah,monsters I mean this one;
e.g:%u201Cgummy hatred%u201D: what is that? Is hatred ever gummy? "-->it just a simile,of course hatred not gummy^^.Sorry,i dont mean to say that.
Hi again,Batman
I think your poem is kinda creepy and funny at the end.I love the concept and ideas here that makes me think 'omg,what is 'Batman' really think about when he wrote a poem!Anyway,good job,I enjoyed reading this poem a lot!
Haha. This was great. Your first paragraph is really scary, it really captures the evil side of the spider. Then the description of what the spider wishes to do to you is pretty scary too. then you twist it at the end when Spider-Man turns spider. I'd love to see and addition where he now slaughters the spider.
now I was covered with a gummy hatred,
you disabling all my defensive wall,
This doesn't sound right. I see a couple ways to do this over; put a semicolon between the two lines, or put :
you disABLED, rather than you disabling, that just doesn't seem right to me. I would also finish it off with a more complete story. like give one more stanza of how Spider-Man then goes out and will use his powers for good.
All in all not to bad.
Keep it up!
haha.Thanks for review^^,I really appreciate it