I paint the reality with the watercolors,
although sometimes it spills on my shirt.
But you paint your world with pastel,
and you are confined just in my dream.
Those memories were drawn with sketches and inks
Some stay, the rest will soon forgotten.
You and I, separated in vast realm,
but we share the sense of existence.
If just I was a Lucid dreamer,
I will choose to asleep and stay,
but the clock is ringing up in my side,
and I have to wake up and walk away.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
Hi Dream, so I should start by saying 'wonderful poem' to read. The metaphor work so nice in the first stanza. You managed to describe the reality and a dream with irony. Watercolors and pastel are two different medias which can't be mix all together, the same with the dream and reality. I often dream of strangers in my mind too, so that was maybe the point here.
This is my favorite lines so far. Really well-written and clear. Not really hard to understand.
Keep the good things up.
~Raq.
Loved this. Very well-written.
However there was a part that sounded a little strange.
"Some stay, the rest will soon forgotten."
Did you mean "will soon be forgotten" or "were forgotten"? Either one of those would sound a little clearer.
I can't tell you how much I like this. The idea of painting dreams is very beautiful and very scary to me. Just imagine if there was someone who controlled all of your dreams. Every single one of them. They could place anything and everything in them. Wouldn't that be so amazing?
yeah, I think to add 'be' there, but just to make it short, I think no problem to do so
Hi DreamWork! I'm here to leave a review on your poem. This review would just be based on my opinions, so it's up to you if you consider it or not, but as much as possible, I hope that this review would help.
"Some stay, the rest will soon forgotten." - You may insert "be" between "will" and "soon"
Overall, your poem is really good. It just has minor grammatical errors, but I know you can fix it on your own. I sensed a deep emotion you are feeling while writing this poem. You have used great symbolism on your poem and it helped your poem sound very logical. This is a job well done. I hope to read more of your writings soon and keep up the good work!
Hello, Knight Wolf here to review for you today.
I love this poem, it portrays a clear image, and it is just amazing.
Flow
When I read this aloud, for the most part, the flow is fine, unbroken and as flow should be. But there are a couple of instances where it is a little awkward.
The first stanza, for example. The last line just doesn't fit with the rest. Maybe if you changed it to;
For some reason, that fits better. Also in the first stanza, I think "spilled" should "spills."
Grammar
I see a couple of grammar issues in this poem, but nothing too major.
One of them is in the second stanza. "Was" should be "were" because you are talking about more than one thing, ok?
Overall thoughts
Your ideas are original and creative, your vocabulary is well-chosen, and I generally like this poem. Well done!
Hiya! Wild here to review your lovely poem. I don't see many problems here except sometimes I'm not sure if there should be full-stops and capital letters. For example in the last stanza;
"If just I was a lucid dreamer,
I will choose to asleep and stay
but the clock is ringing up in my side,
and I have to wake up and walk away."
Is stay supposed to have a full stop after it? Because 'I will choose to asleep and stay but the clock is ringing up in my side..etc" sounds funny to me.
Also, in the first two lines;
"I paint the reality with the watercolors,
although sometimes it spilled on my shirt."
I think 'spills' would be much better. For some reason 'spilled' in the past-tense just doesn't fit in this right for me.
Anyway, other than that, this is beautiful! I love this line;
"You and I, separated in vast realm,
but we share the sense of existence."
Keep up the great work, I can't wait to see more of your writing ^-^
{{ -wild- }}