Where do you want to go,
with your big luggage bag,
Walking aimlessly-confused;
is there no place for you,
even in your own home?
Oh, I know might don't even have anything here,
I just have a table and a chair
pen and ink,
and papers scattered on the table and floor.
But here in my poem,
I have prepared you a place;
an even more open than the world,
spacious infinity like the sky.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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129,528 Literary Works • 671,508 Reviews
I like this! I didn't even know that it was you, haha. I like the way you title your writings. They make me want to read them. So I'm guessing this is about someone who has to watch their partner leave them? And the poem is how they're dealing with it? Well it was great! I'm definitely reading more! Have a great day!((((:
- alexiss_
Hi there. Ariana with your review. I like how you described the world of a writer a bit-it was a nice change and I felt like it was relatable. You used some decent imagery in sime parts here lik when you talked about the papers scattered on the table and floor. Not much imagery or figurative language, but it was a good poem, nevertheless. On to the second stanza, there should be a space in between the comma just so you know. I did like the ending though. It was very simple but it was kind of sweet and felt like I was reading about heaven for writers. So I liked that little description. Besides that, I thinl you're on to something here. Keep up the good work!
'ello dark, believe it or not I have seen improvement!
Now there is something at-least admirable about this stanza. Firstly, it makes sense which is a big one around here for some reason.
Firstly you reside to much on telling us what is happening. You can actually imply what is happening if you have images in your head; something like describing her walk instead. I don't see aimlessly confused it is a bit ambiguous as I can't see a person yet, or trace her steps, or even the background. I substitute airplanes in the back-ground for some reason because I demand for rationality to every situation; and in the end that fact is going to loose me.
You can also cut everything that is not necessary. I feel like you stay on subjects to compensate the fact you don't have much to say which is a shame.
Yeah, I don't find anything to be good in this stanza to be honest. It is weak, dull without progressing the story much at all.
The reader has no idea what this is or what it implies it just confuses them.
see you destroy images with abstraction.. way to much abstraction and not enough images. In the end you can take it all out and show a story by the merit of your descriptions but you choose not to and give us a poem that's easy to write and frankly not even that good.
Thanks monster
,really appreciate it.
Hey! Lillie here to do a review for you! Before I start, I would like to say, even though it's a little late, Welcome to YWS!
Okay, now to start my review...
Well, this was a really short poem, so there isn't going to be much to this review. Well... This is just what I think, but it sounds to me that this is somewhat about how readers can get lost within the piece they're reading. Since this is a really short poem, it's harder to find errors and stuff like that in it. The only thing I can see is the beginning of the second line. If I am not mistaken, shouldn't that say one instead of an? That is just what I think it should be, because it makes more sense. An doesn't really fit in that exact spot, in my opinion. This is basically all I can find, so this is pretty much the end of this review.
All together, even though it was really short, I liked this poem. I hope you keep writing even more stuff, because you obviously have a lot of potential in the writing field!
Keep Writing,
Lillie
Thanks for review,I just add some more there,so it wasn't a short poem anymore XD
Thanks for review,I just add some more there,so it wasn't a short poem anymore XD
Hello there DarkKnight9! Infinity here to review.
Well like your poem, this review will be short as there's not much to say but I'll try to help where I can.
"In my poem, I have prepared you a place;
an even more open than the world,
spacious infinity like the sky."
Firstly, I feel as if your poem is unfinished, it feels like it's just the start, or first stanza, there's so much more waiting to be written in this, it has great potential, but it just ends despite that it's a beautiful poem with a serene mood to it.
The second line read a bit awkwardly, try reading it aloud.
Perhaps something along the lines of " Incredibly more open than the world" a slight change, if you want to keep it the same.
"spacious infinity like the sky."
I loved this line.. I just wish you told us more about this spacious infinity.
Overall loved it! Keep writing and I hope I was of help to you.
-Infinity x
Thanks
.I just add some more.Hope you like it!
Thanks
.I just add some more.Hope you like it!
I think is a very eloquently written poem.I can't help but feel like there should be more to it. Imagery is something left to the imagination which is much different than most poems that you read it is not precisely painted but still beautiful all the same. Thank you for giving me something to think about today.
Thank you
Short but thoughtful, beautiful but poetic. You did an amazing job with this poem I feel like I know you very well. You are an amazing writer I can't believe what I read when I do but your just awesome! Keep writing, I plan on seeing more from you, much more... or at least I hope. There were no spelling or grammar mistakes which means you won't need any help with that, just keep it up and you'll be an author or poet for sure! Good luck!
Thank you
Welcome
It is pretty short. Eh but that doesn't matter to me. It is Beautiful. This poem is abstract with interesting vocabulary. Although I would replace that an at the beginning of line to with a one. You might want to put an a at the beginning of line three. You might want to work on your pauses though.
Thank you