I wish to touch the skies
and standing on the ground; gripping the arid land
with my bare feet.
How I wish to stand strong
with my hands reach to the sun
and feel the wind blend into my fingers.
I want to touch the birds that fly past in upon me
although sometimes they stop, sat perched on my finger
for a while before they flew away and
how much I want to ask where they had gone,
if other days they will be back again.
How many dreams growing
on the brittle fingers,
though one day it falls to the ground.
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hello! A review for you!
Thought this was a really good piece of poetry.
But, check your plurals and singulars. The plural and singulars where things like: "dreams grows" and "sometimes it stopped," are some examples, so you could change them to, "How many dreams grow," and "Sometimes they stopped," like that kind of thing? Just give it a proof read and clean up any mistakes.
Really nice imagery though, and some beautiful ideas! You could really take this far! Great work.
-CFG
Hey DreamWork! Thought I'd drop by for a quick review! ( I don't know why I say that, reviews are never quick. Heh.)
So, anyway, I think I should start off by saying that your imagery in the second line was AWESOME. When you tell us about how the wind blends in with your fingers, I could SO see it happening. But you've sort of mixed up the verbs here, like I feel "reaching" would be more appropriate instead of "reach." Your tense and your usage of verbs is sort of confusing in other places besides. Like here:
"I want to touch the birds that fly past in upon me
although sometimes it stopped, sat perched on my finger
for a while before it flew away and
how much I want to ask where it has gone,
if other days it's back again."
Here, you say "birds." So that means more than just one bird, right? But then in the second line you seem to be referring to one bird as an "it." This makes the stanza seem awkward, especially as you continue to talk about the bird as "it." I think you could sort this out by saying: "although sometimes ONE WOULD stop...." This looks better, doesn't it?
Then over here:
"How many dreams grows
on the brittle fingers,
though one day it falls to the ground;
the mushrooms grows slowly,
in the early morning mist."
This should be "How many dreams grow," not "grows." Also, you vaguely mention "the brittle fingers." Whose fingers are they? You could improve this by cutting out the "the" all together, or by replacing it with "you" or "my." Try it out and you'll see for yourself. You also need to replace the "it" in this stanza with "they" since you're talking about many dreams in the first line, not just one dream.
Overall, your poem really has potential. Your imagery was great, and if you just sort through your usage of verbs in accordance with tense, I'm sure this poem will be simply grand! So keep it up, keep writing, and I hope to see more of your work soon!
I hope this helped!
Cheers,
~Pompadour
Hi its Candrew. That was a really good poem. I think every one feels that way and you had the guts to share it. Though it was very good, i didn't understand the ending. Other than that i was really good.
Hi this is Candrew, this was a very pretty poem. I think everyone feels this way but you had the guts to share it. To be honest though it was really good, but I didn't understand the ending. Other than that you are a very good poet.