In the dark night
no light, bleak, gloomy, leaden
and haunted?
But where the ghosts are
wandering with a lost souls,
trapped in darkness
haunting and screaming?
But when the sun sank with sanity
we all are invisible creatures,
nightmares begins,
when dusk comes with a cold fog,
we're all cursed, when walk in the dark night.
A/N:This poem inspired by a book goosebumps(Ghost Camp) . I read it a long time, but it is still fresh in my memory.
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This here needs to have the plural form revoked and be replaced with a singular form of the word souls.
Other than that little mistake, I couldn't find anything that I didn't like. This part, I especially like, imagining the sun sinking with sanity. How does the sun do that?
Beautiful! I really like all of your poems!
Happy Review Day!
yubbies21
Morticians daughter here to make a few comments! To start off this is an interesting poem, though the question marks through me for a loop. You do know question marks are a symbol you put after a question right? lol.
"In the dark night no light, bleak, gloomy, leaden and haunted?" that isn't a question. Unless you put the question mark there by accident. But I don't think you did because again you put a question mark after 'screaming' where there was no questions asked. That might be something you want to look into.
"when dusk comes with a cold fog, we all cursed." good imagery there but instead of 'we' you would want 'we're'. Just a few mistakes that are easily fixable other than that great poem! keep working at it!!
I know bout that,just trying to make it short <_<'
I tend not to read dark poetry so I was surprised that I liked this so much. Like the icannothearthings said there are some grammar mistakes. Such as:
There should be a space between the comma and bleak
Also
Here there shouldn't be a space.
Lastly
I feel like there should be an 'are' between the 'we' and 'all'.
Other than that it was well written just a few mistakes. I loved your usage of rhetorical questions, really added a good effect.
One of my favourite lines was mentioned by icannothearthings which was
It's a great pick of word choices. Also hammers in the idea of the night being rather well...scary for lack of a better word.
Another line I want to mention was your ending.
Minus the mistakes I thought this was a very good ending. Reminded me a lot of a child imagination and how it is able to create night terrors so easily. I don't think that's what you were going for but that;s what popped into my head.
Niraco~
Uh,thank you for reviewing^^.I hate when I mistyping it all <_<"
It's easily fixed. ^.^
Well, I thought this piece was quite interesting, and I enjoyed it.
I've been reading dark poetry, so I saw your description and immediately clicked on it.
There are grammar mistake, though. As you can see, "no light,bleak" "invisible creatures ,", and, "dark- night. " are all messed grammar-wise, and you should fix that.
Anyways, I thought this piece was pretty cool in general. I liked your dark description, and the slow-moving formatting of the piece, too. I liked the whole "questions" aspect of the poem. You say, "and haunted?" and, "haunting and screaming?". That's pretty cool.
I also really liked the phrase "But when the sun sank with sanity", I mean, I could write a WHOLE movie around that one phrase. There's something about it that just adds to your whole poem.
Overall, I thought this was a really nice piece, and I hope to see more like this.
Thanks for review . Ah I was careless when editing this poem! I appreciate your view on my poem