I drowned within their insanity
in vain I see no reasonable sense,
I exclaimed with a painful throat
and they clog up my mouth with words of insult.
They danced on our cries,
and sip our blood with golden mugs,
sitting on a thrones studded with diamonds
they look like wolves with bodies under their feet.
"The chain of flowers for you,
tie it around your neck.
Moisten it with your blood,
I will set you free from these nightmares! "
Their insanity grows on this earth
as cunning inside their huge brains,
the blood later be frozen
does not flow, or even wet our bodies
and we die in dreams
without waking up from nightmares.
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139,597 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Congratulations on such a moving poem centered around a theme that is current today. (Really hoping this review doesn't sound dumb because I've been awake since early this morning and my eyes barely open.)
I like your imagery a lot. Although your imagery does not remind me of Syria per se, it still characterizes the horrific events that happened there. There is so much emotion conveyed in your words. You describe the heart of oppression with your words.
Those two lines are a god visual and they capture the cruelty that Syrian leaders have displayed in the past months. Yet these lines describe various other events, past, presents, and even future. That's another think I really love about this poem: It applies to history. There have been many other predatory leaders "sitting on thrones studded with diamonds."
Love this poem! Keep up the good work:)
Hey DarkKn- I mean Dreamwork!
It's by far time I give a little back to you for all the reviews you do for me! So, let's see what I can do for your poem. I think you've done a great job of setting a sinister and dark atmosphere with your words. The constant reminder of blood helped a lot with this, and the relation to nightmares. The last two lines were chilling, and I think it was a great way to end the poem. I think you should work a bit on the rhythm, because sometimes that was disturbed by too long sentences in places.
Beautiful opening lines <3
Here's where the rhythm breaks for the first time. That last line was too long. There are many ways to resolve it, but I think you should choose them because it's your poem and it does change it a bit. I'll give you a suggest so you get an example. My version: I exclaim with a painful throat, but my mouth is clogged words (a new line?) of their black[or some other descriptive word] insults.
It does mess up the structure though, so I'm not sure what you want to do there. It's up to you. I also think in the first line of that quote, to set more of a scene you could add in another line that is more descriptive there. So not just a painful throat, but a throat so dry it seems I've walked across a barren desert, or something. Mainly what I want more of it description to benefit the emotion here.
Whole stanza was absolutely wonderful
I understand the first line, but why do they have huge brains? What does that have to do with anything?
As already mentioned, AMAZING ending that blew me away
Deanie x
I'm not much of a poet, but I'll try my best to give you some useable opinions...
The Good:
1) The topic of your choice is very relevant to the modern world, and is just as relevant to the past and the future. It will be a classic if it performs well. I.E get published and read widely.
2) Balanced use of imagery. Not too difficult to understand but at the same time exquisite and well done such that you've conveyed your message across in a dense enough manner befitting a poem.
3) Visceral. I'm the kind of guy who could appreciate that.
Needs Improvement:
1) The sudden change of perspective from the 1st person narrator to his unseen peers is jarring. Might not work. I don't see the purpose in the change either.
2) Technical aspects of the language isn't up to par. You could do better in the economy of your words, and there are a few grammar errors as well - not good for any poem considering the quality-centred word count.
3) There isn't a conspicuous enough rhythm, and I don't think it works. But take this one with a grain of salt, because my training in poetry is limited, and I'm pretty much stuck on traditional sort of poetry with alot of emphasis on form - like the metres and everything, and even then, I'm not very into poetry.
Thanks for review* bow*.I will work hard on grammar,can you please show me which one is it?Just to help me pointing up my mistake
Here's the one that stuck out the most: 'sitting on a thrones studded with diamonds'. Should be 'sitting on thrones'. There are other technical language issues, but they are more to do with economy and flow. For example, there are words that you could swap with shorter ones or eliminate altogether. But I'll leave those up to you as those changes will have an effect on your poem's flow and rhythm and everything.
Thanks you, and welcome to YWS
No problem.