A/N: I feel bizarre. I blame this on my female relatives. Anyway, glad you checked this out and hope you enjoy and/or have concrit ("I don't like this" is unhelpful).
Ballerina
from afar
you are ethernal
the Tolkien elf
on stage
you have platinum hair and a lilac bodice
and dull pink shoes
you could be a princess
of some brutal kingdom
or a victim of a dance-to-death plague
from afar
you are the epitome of girl
of woman
you move gracefully and hurt yourself
and are pretty beside a man
your feet are bent
and they are disgusting,
under those satin shoes,
and you sweat under your clown’s makeup,
the lights baking you,
and you smile,
as if neither of these things are real
you look weightless
but you feel like you are two hundred pounds
and every time you land from a leap,
you are a anvil
hitting the stage
you are Ariel today,
silently walking on swords
and, in moments,
your left shoe will break
and you almost do when you put on your other other pair of shoes
behind the stage
Disclaimer: I realized I needed one of these because I might offend someone. Now everyone thinks dancers are mentally ill because they saw Black Swan. Just know that the ballerina in this is meant to be a character, not a caricature. Admittedly, I was technically dancing about as a zygote. I've been around theater productions since I was tiny. So I do have a personal idea of what the general ballerina is, where this poem came from, but I don't assume all ballerinas are like the generalization I've made. I know they're not.
I will but all suggestions in parentheses,
keep up the good work!
(capital F?)from afar
you are ethernal(,)
the Tolkien elf
on stage(.)
you have platinum hair(a comma and drop the "and" maybe?) and a lilac bodice
and dull pink shoes(,)
you could be a princess
of some brutal kingdom
or a victim of a dance-to-death plague(,)
from afar(,)
you are the epitome of girl (I don't know what epitome means, but it seams odd.)
of woman
you move gracefully and hurt yourself(,)
and are pretty beside a man(.)
your feet are bent
and they are (drop the "they are")disgusting,
under those satin shoes,
and you sweat under your clown’s makeup,
the lights baking you,
and you smile,
as if neither of these things are real (as if neither of these where real,)
you look weightless(,)
but you feel like you are two hundred pounds
and every time you land from a leap,
you are a anvil
hitting the stage(,)
you are Ariel today,
silently walking on swords
and, in moments,
your left shoe will break
and you almost do when you put on your other other(why is other repeated?) pair of shoes
behind the stage(.)
I like it,
Hello there, I will be your reviewer for the time being. I would like to start of saying that I read your disclaimer and I do not believe all dancers are mentally ill after having seen Black Swan. I do, however, believe that dancers have a different mentality than some due to what it is they do. My first impression of this poem was one of intrigue and that you must be a danger, considering it appears well done.
The first thing, however that I'd like to point out as one of the flaws - well not so much a flaw as a little imperfection - would be the punctuation. That was one of the first things I had noticed was that the sentences just continued endlessly and I was never sure when exactly I was supposed to take a breath so that I could continue on with the rest.
"from afar
you are ethernal < I believe you mean "eternal"
the (< A) Tolkien elf < Capital "E"
on stage"
You could also use capitals as in the above first stanza. I would like to add that perhaps you did not mean a Tolkien Elf? I feel that that doesn't exactly fit with the rest of the theme you've created here.
" you have platinum hair and a lilac bodice
and dull pink shoes
you could be a princess
of some brutal kingdom
or a victim of a dance-to-death plague"
In the above stanzas you could have used capitalization once again, and I believe that the small poetic info-dump in the first stanza stands out. It is as though you wanted to push the information onto the reader without incorporating it into the rest of the poem. It appears to me as a last minute addition as though you had thought to yourself "they don't know what she looks like! Let's add it in here." I apologize for the possible offense. Also, I do not exactly like the phrasing in the last stanza "Or a victim of a dance-to-death plague" it doesn't sound right. It rings as though something should be changed, perhaps take a second look at that?
"from afar
you are the epitome of girl
of woman
you move gracefully and hurt yourself
and are pretty beside a man"
You repeat the words "from afar" which I believe you could change, and perhaps reword this entire stanza because it is strange when you say at one moment within this stanza that the woman is beautiful, is an epitome before the next saying that she hurts herself before once more reverting to beauty. In a stanza it is tendency to stick to one subject per stanza.
"your feet are bent
and they are disgusting,
under those satin shoes,
and you sweat under your clown’s makeup,
the lights baking you,
and you smile,
as if neither of these things are real"
Once more, capitalization should be used as well as punctuation. I personally like this stanza a great deal - it flows and it makes sense; the only thing that I think should be fixed would be the large "speed-read" of "and you sweat under your clown's makeup,". Otherwise it sounds beautiful.
Lastly,
"you look weightless
but you feel like you are two hundred pounds
and every time you land from a leap,
you are a anvil
hitting the stage
you are Ariel today,
silently walking on swords
and, in moments,
your left shoe will break
and you almost do when you put on your other other pair of shoes
behind the stage"
These two stanzas need revision, considering they are consistent of "speed-reads". I also do not understand how you compare your character to "Ariel". What Ariel is it you speak of? Is it the mermaid? For I do not see how that makes sense.
Overall, this has the potential for a wonderful poem. Do not let my words discourage you from your efforts as a poet. I hope to read more of your work.
Write on,
Wisp.