Shotgun Wedding on a Bus
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140,804 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hi there!
It was the probably the title that totally brought me over here. But I'm left a little disappointed.
I have to be completely honest: I didn't really understand your poem, however obscure. The title should always be on thing the reader can fall back on to clear up some comprehension issues or otherwise. In this case, the title didn't fit and I was left trying to piece together the connection between the poem and it.
Secondly, I don't know what you're really trying to point out/get across here. All I see are comparisons and whatnot. I don't see the point of the poem. It would be of no use to try and dig deeper - a poem is not a metaphor in itself and I'm not about to start making up my own meaning for this. For all I know, this could be about two inanimate objects. Or multiple inanimate objects for that matter.
Thirdly, I do think the enjambment was a little bizarre. I know you said that it was part of a writing exercise, but the meaning of it didn't get across. I don't see how it influenced the poem in any way besides just coming across as the silly usage of a poetic device. Enjambment is great when it's used in the right way. For example:
and some of my suggestions:
It's really challenging in splitting certain sentences in the way you've written this poem since the sentences are all blatant statements that are rather simple. There's not really any commas or semi-colons and that makes it difficult to split. I'm glad you're experimenting!
Yours,
Lavvie
Sorry you're disappointed.
Thanks for the tips. But, yeah. This was based off another poem--as I mentioned--and I involved some enjambment, because that was something brought up in the workshop to try and do. It wasn't the focus of this poem.
Basically, the professor wanted me to use a poem--which is twice as confusing as mine ended up being, trust me--to draw an abstract comparison between two people. This is basically about a relationship, not a romantic one, in which I was involved that was sort of toxic that started on a bus. So, yeah. I don't know. Professor seemed to think it worked well enough for what it was supposed to do.
Anyway, thanks for your input. I'll think on it, definitely.
This is kind of strange and all of the comparisons make little sense.You save paper towels and I guard kids who’ve never learned to swim.I don't' know what you're' going for but it makes no sense.
Your eyes are brown and blue. My soul seems stagnant
next to you.
You allow for existence. I would welcome enlightenment.
I am bad health. You are a
broken heart
and tearful eyes.
You know when to run when all I know is
stand
and
face.That one is a good paragraph but other than that this needs some work.
Well, it was a prompt. The prompt was a bizarre poem. I took its style and made it my own, with my own specific comparisons relating to two people. The Professor seemed pleased with it. He helped me revise it. But to each is own and all that. Wish you'd have left something more constructive.
sorry I guess I just didn't' understand it to well
-
Maybe I needed an author's note. This was for a poetry exercise. It's main theme wasn't enjambment, but that was a topic for the week. I tried to involve it. The main thing was to go from the ultimately confusing poem "Ephithalmium" and make your own version. It was to be in relation to a marriage--either real, imagined, or not quite technical. This is written in the style of a marriage poem, except I'm talking of a toxic relationship in an abstract way. It is supposed to contrast two people. It was supposed to be eccentric and confusing, mostly personal but strung together in a perplexing way. The Professor actually helped me edit this. It seemed he was happy with how my version turned out.
So, thanks for the input. I'll take it to mind. I'm sorry if you were terribly confused. Not many in the workshop grasped the ideas behind the original poem. I shouldn't be surprised my variation of it would be met with the same head scratching.
Wow... That's quite a comparison between your two characters!
I'd be careful about how you're typing things in in the lines. It's a little confusing to me how you have a sentence that break in a line and continue in the next.
Instead of:
I am bad health. You are a
broken heart
and tearful eyes,
I would do:
I am bad health,
You are a broken heart and tearful eyes.
You decide we’re
monsters
and I believe you’re kind.
You decide we're monsters,
And I believe you're kind.
It helps to make the story flow more and make it more readable to the eye.
Also, sometimes you switch from You thinking something about both and I thinking something about only one. for example, instead of "You decide we're monsters, I think you're kind", I might do, "you decide you're a monster" or "And I believe we're kind", or just leave it that way if You thinks both are monsters and I thinks that he is, but You isn't. If that's the case, maybe doing something like "you decide we're monsters, but I say no, you are kind" to show that he means that the other is kind, but maybe he himself isn't.
On the whole, I really loved this work. It's only a few things here and there that could use some tweaking to make it more understandable. Great job!
Thanks. It was a fun exercise! Made my brain work...
Hmmm.
Thanks for the concrit. Trying to make sense of some of it, honestly.
First order of business, I was playing with enjambment. This was written in a writing workshop and enjambment was something we were toying with, so I put emphasis on certain words/ideas by putting them on their own lines and making things a bit choppy.
However, if the enjambment I used isn't working, can you perhaps point out why? Other than it can be confusing?
Otherwise, that last bit of concrit sort of confused me. For example, the lines "You decide we're monsters, I believe you're kind" is referencing someone saying that together, they are monsters, and the other person, so enthralled with them, decides that this is factual and a nice thing to say. In my mind that's how it went. Any ideas on how to make this clearer, then?
Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed.