So I was prompted to write a poem (the first one without being forced), by working out a potion, its ingredients and such, then turning it into a poem.
I'm horrible at poetry (or I assume so since this is the first poem I've written willingly), so sorry if this stinks.
Anyhow, feedback would be greatly appreciated.
NOTE: With the help of my lovely reviewers, I have managed to edit this poem and make it better than it was before. Give them a big thanks, if you would.
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Snake oil, faker, faker,
Ruddock and hawthorn,
Witch hazel and salt from shaker,
Snake tails and berry-born,
Into the pot it goes, where it ends, no one knows.
Sister and brother, holding hands,
Sun and moon against clashing sands,
Ocean swallows and spits,
Disproval from every edge.
But neither you nor I care, as we fix this Jack-of-Trade,
No matter how horrible it is made.
Bats’ wings and serpent’s teeth,
Dust of gold and bone of crow,
We finish in delight as evening dawns.
A cure for all,
Now for the verse, the verse of the cure all,
But lest it not be written, or all will fall,
Speak it now, best be quick,
As light fails from the candlestick.
Dragon wings and green, green flame,
Ocean-born and land-shocked.
No need to fear,
Ignore the boil and hiss,
Don’t shed a tear or plummet stunned,
This is deadly as a snake’s stare,
But the brew is done, no need to fear.
///
I rhymed on occasion, yeah. Thanks if you got this far?
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First, I liked the rhymes. Second, I'd suggest breaking your poem into stanzas. I think you should make the sentences read like actual sentences. If I was reading the poem out loud, I would have no idea where to pause or come to a stop. I do like your use of imagery and onomatopoeia(I think that's what it's called.). Your poem made me think of a green, witches' brew that is shooting up multicolored sparks. Good job!
Well, for a first willing attempt at poetry, this is pretty good. I like the general exotic-ness and haphazard rhyming, it added to the wildness of the poem. I really enjoyed that, since I've always seen witches as a wild and elusive folk, rather than just mundane old crones. (The poem made me think of witches, to explain that.)
However, some of the lines kind of break the rhythm, such as
The line in red is a good phrase, but sounds like it doesn't really belong there.
Overall, though, I really enjoyed the poem. I'd class it as good, but nothing special. However, with a bit of editing, I'm sure you could breach the gap between Good and Excellant.
Well done, and keep writing!