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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
wow lots of imagery but kind of hard to get at first. Overall really nice, also it's legnth is perfect.It paints many different images, but I can't help but feel you ment to only paint one. Quite a preplexing and unusual poem, I like how different it is! Keep at it.
Casp! Me again! I'm sorry if you're seeing my name over and over again, it's just that I want to give poems good reviews today. I'm not sure if it'll do any good for a poem, but I'll focus more on the imagery aspect of this poem.
First off, I think this one's a description and narration of a magnolia. And I think that you described more of its surroundings than the magnolia per se. I think this is a very creative way to present your topic. The single stanza form is, well a bit simple, but I believe that the altering length of most lines give away good effect.
On techies themselves, there isn't much to critique in direct grammar. There are just some lines though which needs some fixing up
The first is the use of a lot of be-verbs. I certainly like the way you described and narrated, but it seems that the over-usage of be-verbs and articles takes out some imagery which should appear in vivid pieces like this. My advice: figurative speech. Use similes and metaphors, and I think most notably personification, in line with all the lines to freshen up the viewers eyes.
That's all I can say for the sake of this piece. I really like the poem, just be more expressive in the piece and you're on your way! Good luck!
Your pal,
Al
Sorry about my nothing comment, I misclicked haha.
I think your poem would be great if you cut it after line 16, but, it is good the way it is. After line 16 it is harder to tell what you're trying to say, and it loses the story. You could also consider moving the lines after 16 to right after "It was cut from the rest
of its world", delete "It is a world lost" and continue from "it can be moved at will" right into "it dries".
That's just what I would do, personally.
I would also read over what you read and try to rearrange some of your other lines, to avoid the imbalance between long and short lines.
Cool. Thanks for the input. I'll have to take all that into consideration...and cut it off after line sixteen.
I'll think about the line order thing, but it would be easy enough to do...didn't even think of that...