State Park

by Cspr

  • Poetry

Published July 26, 2012

In Poems

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mother
had fun
placing rocks,
where algae and lichen and moss and dirt grew
and sprouts took form
and seedlings grew to trees
and she enjoyed the scent of stagnant water
and the buzz of mosquitoes
so she fostered this world
around them


father
carefully sculpted
steep cliffs,
and dug trenches into the earth and took water
from the flat ocean
to let it cascade down
into a pit with a floor of stone
and dirt, turning mother’s water  
foaming and rabid, death’s trap,
then still

brother
played with
fish and
frogs, pulling on scales and skin until legs grew
and skin toughened, lungs
forming by mistake after air-drowning
and he couldn’t tell you how he made
eyes because he can’t remember,
but he pats himself on
the back

sister
made flowers
because her
father wouldn’t be happy with anything but beauty,
tired of her mother’s
wishful thinking, her trust me
the sentient will like it, so father said create
something nice, pretty, so she
also made Apoidea and fire
and grinned
Comments & reviews · 1
User avatar
megsug
Review
megsug wrote a review Review · Jan 27, 2013

Hey there Cspr,
This was from a while back, but I guess better late than never.

I have to admit, I'm new to this poetry thing, but I'm going to give it my best shot.

Here are the two nitpicks I have:

and dirt, turning mother’s water
foaming and rabid, death’s trap,

The rest of your poem is very easy to follow, so this is like a huge wrench in the flow that is this wonderful piece of art. I know it would probably screw up your rhythm or something, but it feels like there's a word missing. I'm thinking 'into.'

wishful thinking, her trust me
the sentient will like it,

I had to read this several times before I understood exactly what it was saying.
I think a quick fix would be quotation marks, so that it's obvious the "trust me" and "the sentient..." are together.

I loved the brother. Making frogs, seemingly by accident. That's just adorable.

That last stanza... I love it. Please, don't get me wrong. I LOVE it, but...
I don't quite understand:
the sentient will like it, so father said create
something nice, pretty, so she

Why does the father say this? Is he trying to make his wife and daughter happy? She's already created something beautiful.

That's all I've got. Pretty wimpy, but... this was really good.
Any questions, feel free to PM me or hit up my wall.
If you need a review, I've got a WRFF thread.
Megsug



If you have to ask, "Is this cliche?", it probably is.
— - no name -