perch for birds,
a snowdrop of a rusty cloud--icetoy tossed
in a giantess’s fit over no more cloud candy,stuck by spin-
dle, metallic blood of ever doling fate--metal Ouro-
boros, eating its own body and soul,Everlasting like
from Ireland, cast upon an Americana mownthe London
Eye, Ferris wheel by graypul filled withPoints:
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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Hmmm, an interesting poem in all accounts. To me it seemed like an out look on life and nature but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.
The layout was different to any I have seen before and although hard to follow at times wasn't to bad, it is definitely free verse at its most free.
Ok now to be a little it critical (sorry about this, it is always the nasty part)
-to me breaking up words in a poem is a big no no, you can break up sentences and all but I think that words should stay the same. It is just that it is easier for the reader to get the whole word on one line. This is simply my opinion and by no means is it the right way of doing things.
- your use of a different dialect is nice and I enjoyed it even though I couldn't understand it!
- You obviously have a good understanding of the world and different elements of nature.
- The imagery in here is amazing but try and work on the emotional part of it a bit more, maybe think about how you want the reader to respond to this and write accordingly.
- the stanzas are sometimes a bit confusing and at times I didn't know what was going on but that adds to the charm of it a bit.
So overall it is a great poem and you have a very personal style of writing.
A brilliant poem and keep it up!
Nargles
Casp! Hey, this is Al for a review
I'll give more of an overview of what I, as a reader, comprehended form your piece.
Foremost, I'd like to state my appreciation on this piece for its very free and open form. It is a free verse with conventions in margins and indentation. Also, a lot of kudos for the excellent usage of foreign dialect. Although I didn't understand most of it, I'm impressed with a multilingual piece.
Most of the words you used are colorful and vivid per se. They induce imaginative pictures as I read. The adjectives you used are also very affecting. The lines
and
Really make use of adjectives. The words for describing seem to counter what the noun really is, and thus implying a better eye-candy effect.
The convention of using n and m dashes are really creative. I really adore this line
Because of the convention of breaking the spelling of spindle.
Although, I think that you should be wary with all those dashes. Some lines and stanzas like stanza one doesn't need the dash much. It is important for you to use punctuation for the best. Also, try to reread the piece for any tweaks and glitches in reading. The flow of the piece can be impeded by some words, you know
That's all I can say for now
Your pal,
Al
Wow. That was awesome. Though I can't actually read Shelta, it still all sounded cool. One comment: why was mountain capitalized? Was it supposed to stand out of was that a mistake? I can't really criticize anything, it really blew me away. It felt like a weird new food that you don't like when you first eat it yet you keep eating it and soon it's the only thing you will eat. This tastes so good! (Pardon my analogy). You're awesome. I'm speechless. (Despite me still typing....)
Thanks for the comment. I'm glad you think it all goes together well, that you like it. Otherwise, Mountain Everlasting is a type of flower, if that helps.