Cspr,
Hello again
I so much love the concept for this poem. The idea of shedding snakeskin, etc, I really do get this idea of reborn/phonexes from the ashes, kind of a new awakening/starting over - so that was pretty neat.
One thing that I'd like to comment on is the organization of the poem as a whole - on the one hand, I think your images are strong and shocking, but I'd like to think of it as a camera sort of panning over - and throughout the poem there's a lot of back/forth, erratic movement between the lines. You mention skin for example, and then hand to foot, to veins, to skin to eyes, and then nails (back to hands again) to hips to hair - etc. -- the thing about snakesskin shedding is that it's one continual movement. Plus, it just seems like the lines were laid out randomly without any kind of order. I would've even been fine if the "camera" (so to speak) pans down and then back up or something to sort of establish and emphasize the "reawakening" kind of idea, but it's just all over the place.
Another thing here:
razor cuts made by unsteady hands trying to shave
half blind;
and here:
I chafe off the death that rests on the inside of my elbows,
fingertips.
I'm not a particular fan of these break, it kind of breaks the flow of the poem for me. I can understand why you broke it in these places, it's a fairly soft or clean break, because it's broken there at a natural phrase, or where one might breathe or pause or add a comma.
It'd be interesting to see you experiment with hard breaks as well - (breaking the line where one wouldn't expect to break it - in otherwords, playing with enjambment/words) I think that would make the poem feel grittier/more raw, and we can really get the sense of the peeling/breaking.
Overall - an excellent poem. I especially love the onion layers and the idea and imagery here. I hope to see more from you. Best of wishes with your writing endeavors.
~ as always, Audy
Points: 5533
Reviews: 696
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