Rushing

Hi! So it's review day which means I'm searching through those pieces that don't have many reviews and I came across yours. Long story short, I'm gonna review this

Stanza one: Love the half rhyme of moon and do and this sets the poem up nicely. We can already see that's it's going to be a pretty whimsical poem with an up-beat tone. Good work.

Stanza two: Fire and ice, shooting for the moon. Okay so none of this is stuff we haven't heard before and I think you meant vice, not vise. I'm not sure that I'd place this as more than a chilren's poem at the moment. It isn't the use of the cliches so much as you're not doing anything new with them yet. I'm reserving judgement though so go ahead and surprise me

Stanza three: I like how you've changed the syntax around here and mixed it up a little. There's certainly nothing I can fault you on rhythm-wise, it's very smooth and very fun.

Stanza four: Alright a change in tune. I think these three lines need more to them. I love the first but the second could do with an image tied to it before you move to that very final sounding 'the world moves slow, but you die fast'.

Stanza five: This feels almost like you've taken two poems and slotted them together and I'm not sure what to think of it. There's none of the rhythm here that you had earlier and the vocabulary has stayed simple but without the fun onomatopeia and all that lovely playing with sound and rhythm. I'm surprised at myself but I'm actually going to say I liked the first parts better.

Stanza Six: I don't understand the tying of the rocket in with death. It was a positive image before, the first time you gave us it so this was a very confusing twist. I like that you've returned to the rhythm and those final three lines while dark are very strong. I think you should keep those but everything from the end of stanza three to here needs work. I think you should keep some of the rhythm from before because dropping it altogether leaves your reader feeling shaken and unsure what's going on or if this is still part of the same poem. By all means have the twist to the darker side, but make it a smoother transition.

Overall

I'm not sure what to think of this. I liked the end and I oddly like the beginning. Admittedly more in a 'this is a nice children's poem' way so I'm not sure how you feel about that but it was certainly an interesting piece.

Heather xxx



Those thoughts never to all be out,
unless you splatter them
fast across
paper and people.

But, always, always, always, another rocket shall come.

Death’s greatest trick--taking
before you can give,
before you’re done.

Hey,

This a very beautifully written poem, and I understand exactly what you are saying. Thanks for writing a poem I can relate to!

Your fellow writer,

04piegirl12