Sometimes your humanity seems to leave you
in the inorganic world,
surrounding by objects that
will never return to their natural state:
The old wood dresser,
the dented metal lamp,
the dusty books lined in a row,
the shoes littering the floor,
the bottle of pills.
Then you go on a drive,
boxed in by metal and glass,
avoiding nausea
by listening to sorrowful
music,
you remember.
There’s the smell of trees and moss;
the feeling of leaves crunching under your form;
the bitterness of the wind pushing you forward;
the tensing of your muscles as you pedal a bike;
the bugs hopping in the grass, too fast to be made out
for what they are;
the sweet mewls of stray kits;
watching a hawk swoop to earth with a pigeon;
the warmth of sitting atop a drier
looking at a field dotted with pecan trees.
The fear seeing a man slam a car door;
a rat scurry out from under a car;
a giant dog charge at the fence;
two boys making a Molotov cocktail in the alley.
Making soup for the good folk with mint and rosemary
on the porch, waiting for those who won’t arrive;
the lovers of doomsday who walk with umbrellas in daylight;
the photos of criminals on the table by the door;
the homeless who line up on the street,
waiting for the church people to hand out bread.
Inside the car,
you come back to your head,
and you’ve remembered why.
Really enjoyed reading this poem, I don't usually find many that actually keep me interested.
I think you captured the beauty of the natural world and the realism of the modern 'human' world and compared them very well.
Changing the size of the stanza's I thought made the poem more free, I interpreted it as some being ordered like human society and others care-free like nature. Whether this is what you intended or not, I still liked it.
Great poem look forwards to reading more of your work
Wow, this is really good. What pulled me in was the really engaging imagery in the poem. And I'm a huge sucker for beautiful, vivid descriptions. -.-
Oh? If you didn't mean to go that deep, sorry. ^^" But I see it.
And as I read this, I thought, how realistic! I think you portrayed real life excellently here. The poem's depressing but there are parts of it you can really understand and relate with. Maybe that's quite similar to life?
There are nice parts, and the opposite in this poem. Reminds me of life. Even if you said it was rushed, XD Good job.
Now, underlying meaning aside, let's look at the structure and grammar!
That should be "surrounded".
Don't really see the significance of sticking "music" out. It just looks awkward. It should be
Should that be:
Making soup for the good folk with mint and rosemary on the porch,
waiting for those who won’t arrive;
Or is it just as you wrote,
Making soup for the good folk with mint and rosemary;
on the porch, waiting for those who won’t arrive;
Remember to keep in that semi-colon. People won't be confused... Probably... But it's still best to get your punctuation right.
I don't think I see anything else wrong. XD Again, awesome job, Cspr. Keep writing.
Wow.
Okay, this is really good.
The message was clear and concise, and yet different people can still interpret this in different ways. Your emotions were powerful, and the poem was thought-provoking. It wasn't too cut-and-dry, but it didn't have too much fluff.
You're a really great poet. Keep writing. This was brilliant.
Thanks for writing and posting this. If you ever need anything else reviewed, don't hesitate to ask me.
This reads very much like a stream of thought piece, and that's admirable. It nearly captures how this character is thinking about the world around her. What I like especially about this poem is lines like this:
Where the image is ordinary, but you allow us into some deeper familiarity with the situation. We know that maybe the people who are keeping these pictures see these boys as family, as friends, but you are declaring them not as people who were once good, but instead as who they are: criminals. With the lovers, too: in the image they just walk, but your judgment places further significance on them. Are they the last ones to be standing together on doomsday? Does it place more significance on them that they're walking, too, in sunlight? Those are the questions you evoke in the reader and they're pleasant questions to ponder.
The thing is, though I like the tone of stream-of-consciousness writing, I don't like the wandering, especially if you pretend to come full circle "you've remembered why" but don't let the reader in on that.
The poem opens with objects and how they are separated from their natural state. You open with said inanimate objects: desks, lamps, books, shoes. The first thing I wanted from this poem was the juxtaposition of what you think the organic states are of these objects, aside from the dresser. Shoes are hard to think of, not only because there are so many different parts, but because they're man-made. So right away, I wanted that connection drawn for me, since people could think of it many different ways.
Next, you very quickly get away from this subject completely and just seem to slip into any images that pass you by. I love them. I love imagining that I can see them all as we slip slowly through my neighborhood in the car, but the bookends you have on the poem seem to deny that existence.
Maybe I've attacked the poem incorrectly. Maybe you intended this to be a poem about a person who was so melancholy they contemplated suicide (the bottle of pills), but driving and seeing these images of the world helped them out of that train of thought. And I think that'd be nice, too, the idea that we can just go and LOOK at the world we're in and let those deeply melancholy thoughts fade out of our mind, but the set up might need to be a little different and clearer. It's like a drop off into a lake that's set up sideways, so you just go to another place down the shore and you can still walk into the lake yourself, but wouldn't you rather glide down the ramp into the water? haha. I hope you got that comparison.
Anyway, PM me if you have any questions, please.
Good luck and keep writing!
Wow, I have to say I really liked this poem! It was absolutely beautiful; an amazing use of imagery. Your conventions all check out, and your flow is great. The way you broke up your stanzas was very unique, and I liked that. Though, I have to say that my favourite thing about this piece, was the way you took an idea so maney have tried to properly convey, and made it into something...more.
And I'm sorry to say that this is going to be a very short review, because as I looked through your words, I could only find one mistake:
"a giant dog charge at the fence;"
'charge' should be 'charges'.
Overall it was an amazing piece, and I hope to see more work from you.
Favourite part~
"Then you go on a drive,
boxed in by metal and glass,
avoiding nausea
by listening to sorrowful
music,
you remember."
Keep it up!
w&w
This poem is so human and true. It's like life , has it's ups and downs , mosty remains interesting. I like how it's easy to read and understand. The language is easy but sophisticated at the same time. But it is kind of weird how the poem randomly goes from 4 or more lines to 2 lines. But of course some might like that and find it interesting , i just thought it was a bit weird and stopped the poem's flow. If you keep the stanzas with about the same amount of lines it usually makes it easier to read and also looks better. In general good poem , very turthful